Posted on 05/11/2021 5:02:29 PM PDT by CondoleezzaProtege
This is the post I’ve been afraid to write. It’s very personal and to be honest I’m a little bit terrified to put it all out there. But I’m going to do it. So please bear with me and try to be kind.
A little more than two weeks ago I got a Tubal Ligation. More specifically, I had my Fallopian tubes removed. This is something we had been talking about for a very long time. Justin and I agreed that two was the absolute right number of children for a variety of reasons. Sure, we love babies. Especially our babies. But we both strongly feel that two is the right number of children for our overall family unit.
When I was pregnant with T, I spoke with my doctor about our options. The original conversation was about J getting a vasectomy, which tends to be a bit easier and less invasive. But I have ovarian cancer in my family. When my doctor informed me that they’ve found certain forms of ovarian cancer can originate in the Fallopian tubes, it became clear that having my tubes removed was going to be the best course of action (you’ll note, she didn’t take anything else, so I’m not having early menopause or anything like that).
After T was born, I went ahead and scheduled my surgery. Originally it was for the beginning of June, right before my return to work, but was moved to mid-July due to a scheduling snafu. Life got busy and I pushed all thoughts of surgery out of my head. But as the date got closer and closer my anxiety started running high.
Anxiety is nothing new to me. I’ve struggled with is since I was a kid but have been able to keep it under control without medication for a long time. Some days can be harder than others but I get through it and continue to move forward.
In the days right before my surgery, I felt at though things were moving way too fast. I figured this was entirely due to my fear of surgery particularly the anesthesia. I had never been under and I was certain I was probably going to die. And yes, I realize how irrational that is.
On the day of the surgery, I said goodbye to my girls and headed in with J and my parents in the waiting room. The hospital staff was so kind to me. I was on edge and extremely emotional and scared. But I got through it. I was a bit groggy, swollen and sore after but not horrible. The first couple days were not great physically, but not nearly as bad as I had expected.
What I wasn’t expecting was freight train of emotions that basically ran me over and that I am still grappling with. I realize now that I was so focused on the anxiety about the actual procedure that I really didn’t give myself a chance to process massive change I was about to undergo.
Now please don’t misunderstand. I still feel extremely confident that we don’t want another child. And that might just be the weirdest thing of all; simultaneously feeling like I made the very best possible decision, yet still being sad about it. It’s so odd and hard to explain but I’ll try my best.
Part of it is the finality of it all. A friend of mine put it best when she told me “there’s a difference between can’t and won’t.” I’ve been told by several other women who’ve had this done that each of them also felt a little sad. In each case they also knew that they absolutely didn’t want to have more children. But even if you’re 110% dead set on not having anymore kids, it is still a lot to try and wrap your head around the finality of it all.
I do wonder if it might have been easier if J had been the one to have the procedure. I can’t be sure. Is it weird that I feel as though something is missing (I mean something literally is missing, but still…)? I went from being completely full five months ago to being empty. And I know I’m not empty, but it in my rare, most melodramatic moments it sometimes feels that way.
I’m rational enough to recognize that I’m still firmly entrenched in the postpartum time. Although postpartum has been much easier this time around, my hormones are still all over the place. I can’t help but wonder if this would have been easier from a psychological standpoint if I had waited until my hormones had evened out a bit. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s my only real regret with this; not waiting until I was over the postpartum hump. I actually feel kind of stupid for not considering that when scheduling my surgery.
It also doesn’t help that for at least a week I was barely able to lift Tess. I even needed help nursing. That killed me. It’s almost as though this procedure magnified the fact that this season of life is fleeting. It’s going by at lightning speed. Tess is already rolling around and grabbing things with her hands. She barely fits into her three month clothes and I know that if I blink she’ll suddenly be smashing cake at her first birthday. Don’t even get me started on Miss-Independent-Alice.
The truth is, as difficult and hard as the pregnancy and infant phase can be, this has been such a special time in our life. I cherish the memories of my pregnancies so deeply in my heart and my soul. Labor was no fun and quite painful, but both of my labors and deliveries were such incredible experiences and were so deeply personal to Justin and I.
And that is where I think the sadness comes from. The knowledge that we are closing the chapter on this profoundly special time in our life. From the moment that doctor in Sacramento told me I was pregnant, our life and our family dynamic changed completely in ways I could never have imagined. We have experienced love like never before. Every day I am astounded by how much love my heart can hold. It’s so full already and yet there continues to grow more and more.
Now that the pre-op anxiety has passed, I have finally been able to sit down and begin sorting through this tremendous mix of emotions bubbling up inside of me. The weight of the finality serves as a harsh reminder that someday, sooner than later, my sweet babies won’t want me to hold them anymore. At least not like I do now.
Even though I never want to go through a pregnancy again, the idea that I’ll never get to feel those sweet baby kicks is a bit of a bummer. And the knowledge that I’ll never again get to experience those delicious newborn snuggles with my own sweet babies makes me a little nostalgic for the hazy exhaustion of those first days home from the hospital.
I had one really rough night where I just let it all out. My poor, loving husband must have thought I was nuts. But because he loves me, he tried his very best to understand something that is impossible to comprehend until you’ve lived it. He held me and kissed me and told me that I’m not crazy (at least not in regards to this situation!)
And now here I am a couple weeks later. After that rough night, I’ve been doing pretty well. I still have my nostalgic moments where I get a little misty. I definitely miss my girls during the day while I work, even more than usual. But the sadness gets a bit less each day and I continue to give myself the grace to grieve the end of this special time.
What doesn’t get less is knowing in my heart that through the downs of it all, I’m still really happy that I got it done. The times when things get crazy and J and I are able to divide and conquer serve as a reminder that two is a really great number for us. Or when T is congested and wakes at 3am, I can enjoy those late night snuggles while rejoicing in the fact that I won’t always have the sleepless nights that come with a young infant.
Most importantly, the smiles on my girls faces and their sweet giggles serve as an important reminder that although this precious super-early parenting chapter is coming to a close, we have so many chapters ahead of us. I know in my heart they will be filled with even more joy and laughter. And when I think of that, I can’t help but be excited to move forward with our life as a family of four while still treasuring the precious moments that have been given to us in the past.
“I” 73 times give or take.
And that doesnt count all the “me”s.
As I was reading this heart-rending story, I was expecting some horrific physical side effects like what happened to me. In my case, it was the results of a vasectomy where cat gut sutures were used. They caused me to swell up overnight like a softball. The pain was so horrific and I thought I was going to explode. Luckily, my doctor identified the cause and put me on an anti-inflammatory. I was expecting this woman to have experienced a similar reaction. For her, the loss of motherhood through surgical procedure was a pain to her spirit. I wonder if those who have gone through sexual reassignment surgery have similar torment of spirit?
Perhaps this girl's issues stem from her getting the tubal ligation not long after having a baby, but then there are women who have had tubal ligations right after delivery. My niece had two boys, and then was pregnant with twin girls. She had her tubes tied right after she delivered them Caesarian, and has never expressed any problems over it, or how it effected her after the delivery. Everybody is different. Our bodies are different, and we all react differently. I hope she is able to work through her problems, some of which I believe are self-inflicted.
If she changes her mind she can always adopt.
No, it’s about some sort of litigation. You need an attorney when it gets that serious. You get sued by some dude named Tubal, get a good lawyer. Don’t try to represent yourself.
I always thought they tied them off to keep the eggs from moving down the Fallopian tube...at least that's the surgery I had. The eggs would still be produced, but they would be absorbed by the body.
It is against catholic teaching. Not for nothing.
She very clearly stated her tubes were completely removed due to a family history of ovarian cancer that frequently originates in the fallopian tubes.
The placenta is a temporary body part that allows the baby to receive nourishment from the mother while in the womb. So, even if the SARS-CoV-2 virus targets the placenta, I doubt it’s going to permanently prevent people from having kids.
A concern to me is that male and female germ cells contain ACE2 receptors, the receptors that SARS-CoV-2 binds to. So, I think there is a possibility that Covid-19 infection in children could reduce their fertility, possibly even leave them sterile.
I believe you are low in minerals which cause anxiety which causes an exacerbation of issues; ie they become bigger and more emotional than they should be or would be when you’re balanced. Often, low thyroid hormones are part of the problem as well.
They didn’t mine. They went through my belly button, removed a small section, and stuck a bandaid on it. I went back to work the next day.
Now the real question, how did you change the title?
A man would write this article more succinctly:
We didn’t want anymore kids so I got a vasectomy.
But there’s probably not a woman in the world that can say it in less than 1,500 words.
And subsequently repeat it 3 times.
Thoroughly modern Millie.
Obviously hasn’t lived long enough to understand how things can change. There are many many reasons this woman may want another child desperately down the line. Why take a irrevocable act? Lots of downside risk to avoid contraception and what a loss of opportunity.
See my post #34
While my wife was on the pill, for two days a month I would lay low and try to be invisible (it never worked, she saw me anyway). So when she asked me to get a vasectomy so she could get off the pill, my answer was “YES!”
The first baby is the hardest because you are learning so much.
The second baby makes it "the perfect two."
The third baby makes it feel like a real family.
And the fourth baby is just one more.
I’ve never heard of removing the tubes, but I have heard of cutting and tying them. I’ve been good for 27 years!! I hate to say it but the author sounds like a snowflake.
Because FR is a conservative forum.
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