Posted on 06/10/2020 8:32:25 AM PDT by NEMDF
One of my sisters had put DNA in to 23 & Me sometime in the past (several years ago, maybe).
Over the past week, she has been notified of a person who just recently submitted DNA for testing. It turns out that this person seems to be our half-sibling.
There are 5 of us from same parents, all born from 1954 to 1960. The newly identified one seems to be related only to our father and born in 1964. I babysat for this person and two siblings, when I was around 10 or 11.
Their family moved away around 1969, but I have had some contacts with the family over the years, having also relocated to the same state. Now find out that this half-sibling has lived in the same city, and at one time, only 1.5 miles from me over some of the interim years, so very likely we have crossed paths in the past. The person no longer lives in this state or area.
Of our parents' generation, only the mother of the half-sibling is still living.
My sister has been in contact with the newly identified half-sibling, who never had an inkling that their dad was not the biological father.
I am trying to comprehend this news, and to develop some possible foreseeable outcomes, but this is very challenging on a cognitive level.
I am just wondering whether any FReepers have any experience with this type of situation, what happened with the relationships, advice on moving forward, etc.
Thanks in advance for any input or suggestions.
Interesting, thanks. I will pass that along to my nephew who is very into charting this stuff,
My wife did a DNA test and got an inquiry from a close DNA cousin according to test results. That person says she was the product of an affair her mother had with a man who later died in the Korean War and she wanted to know more about her biological father. She gave the few details she knew. My wife recognized a few of them and thought it might have been one of her uncles, but he was never in the Korean war. My wife contacted one of her uncles daughters, explained the situation and asked her if she would like to contact the person to find out more.
Well it turns out that the tow half sisters met and have communicated regularly with each other. They were both old enough and mature enough not to be angry at the man who cheated and fathered both of them.
Infidelity is not as uncommon as most folks think, especially in populated areas. DNA, along with sperm donors helping couples get pregnant is complicating DNA genealogy. And then lets not get into the complications caused by bone marrow donors and certain organ donors is confusing DNA genealogy.
Then again, there is the ugly side. Some babies are adopted because of rape, poverty, drug addiction, abuse, etc. Often they try to keep their historic origins a secret and sometimes their adopted parents keep it a secret from them. So they can be really surprised when their children get DNA tested and find out they have lots of close relatives they never heard of.
You will never likely know what really happened. It is best to just accept it and find out about your new family tree branch.
Good luck.
“.....If your mother is still living, my suggestion to you would be to keep it to yourself....”
My suggestion would be to get her to take the 23&Me DNA test, but not tell her what you know. Then I would explain to her that you really want to have documented any medical DNA conditions that might be inherited by you or your children her grandchildren as to why you want her to test.
That will help everyone who really wants to know more to be able to sort things out in the future.
Damn I’m sorry
Your victimhood ticket just evaporated didn’t it?
You might be interested in this link.
https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/native-americans-descended-single-ancestral-group-dna-study-confirms/
Also, I have been told that since I’m a male and many of our documented Indian ancestors were female that their DNA wouldn’t show up on my DNA .
That doesn’t apply to our Africa DNA. A female sibling shows the same DNA re African heritage as mine. So does her daughter’s, her grand son’s and grand daughter’s.
Thank you for your thoughtful advice and sharing your wife’s experience.
Sure did! I can’t claim Cherokee tribe-hood or African. I’m about as white as they come, red hair and all.
I always thought that most Native Americans had some Asian features but not all Asian features. The article I read said that the Cherokee were not “true” Native Americans like the Apache, Comanche, and the others according to their DNA and they have features that are more European. I have even heard of Cherokee that have light skin and red hair. They are still Native Americans but with different DNA. I wish I could remember where I read that.
Never experienced this situation but what can you do?
Forgive your Father.
Forgive your half sibling’s mother.
They both lived lives you weren’t aware of. What good will judging them do?
Accept your new sibling. Let the relationship grow how it will. Remember, they share more than half of your DNA. The also share the same confusion, anger, and pain that you experiencing and all of it in a different measure.
I found out at age 35 that my father was not the sperm donor. Mom confessed to an affair with another man, and he was present in my whole life. “Long time family friend.”
To be honest, both of these men were fine gentlemen and I’m proud to have 2 dads. Both made contributions to a wild teenager and made me behave and become successful. All 3 parents are gone now, but I’m a better person for them all.
By the way, I have blood relations that I will never speak to again, and friends that will be friends for life. I learned that blood has nothing to do with it. Are they decent people or are they not? I believe that is all that matters.
Interesting story. Did both of your “dads” know the whole situation? Sounds like you were lucky for the way things turned out, and very mature at accepting it and recognizing the benefits.
It seems that the new half-sibling family are decent, hard-working people. They have raised two daughters, who also seem to be (based on what I have been able to find on the internet) normal and successful enough for their ages.
The biological dad knew, the other did not. When I found out, I asked the donor about it and he didn’t really confess. When I asked why, he worried about the feelings of the other. I guess I could see that. After non-donor passed, donor admitted it. He protected non-donor and I respected him for that.
I’ve told my story to a few people over the years and you’d be surprised how many said they had similar things happen in their family too. Remember that children out-of-wedlock was a BIG deal back when. It was largely frowned upon and pretty well hidden. Times sure are different now.
If you go back ten generations you have 1024 ancestors in that generation (but some could be duplicates if some of your ancestors married cousins). Eleven generations back you have 2048 ancestors, etc. So it seems virtually certain that everyone has some ancestors who were born out of wedlock...if not in the most recent 11 generations certainly in an earlier one.
Many people are proud of noble or royal ancestry--which pretty much guarantees having illegitimate ancestors (such as William the Bastard, later known as William the Conqueror, or Charles Martel).
I personally don't know of any illegitimate ancestors but I'm sure it is just because I haven't been able to go back far enough tracing my ancestors. I did find one great-great-great-grandmother who was born 5 months after her parents got married. Born very premature, no doubt.
Interesting. I do have a nephew, who was born prior to his parents’ marriage, and I have another nephew who already had a child with his pregnant bride, when they got married.
The actual biological parents married one another in both of those situations, so neither situation seemed to be “scandalous”.
It sounds like you were fortunate for the donor to be discreet and respectful.
I will say that you are lucky to expand your family, and even someone you know and probably like.
When I was 30 I found out that my “dad” wasn’t. I was ecstatic .... that made the molestation a little less creepy. My mother will still not “fess up”. She insists that he is my father and refuses to tell me the truth (it’s been 20 years now). It seems she did not even meet him until a year or so after I was born. His brother did Ancestry and we share 0 genes, so I know for sure.
Over the years (I’ve done MyHeritage and Ancestry), the closest I’ve gotten to a hit is a 5th cousin (which is about 2/3 of the world’s population, and one of my children that did the test a few years ago.
I wish I could find anyone on that branch. Finding out the truth can be shocking (it was for me even though I was very thrilled), but just think about how hard everyone worked all those years to raise everyone as best they could, and give as much happiness as they could, and be excited about being able to expand your family circle and celebrations. I am almost jealous .... I’d love to find some new half siblings.
Just look at is as a blessing.
I’ve done a ton of genealogy, but never have done the DNA stuff. Several of my cousins have done the DNA thing on one side of my family and have been contacted by another local family who matched up VERY closely with them both.
This other family’s great-grandfather was born around the same time as ours and in the same county - in 1870 or so. But their great grandfather was found on an orphanage doorstep. No idea who his parents were.
He was likely the child of one of the men or woman in our family - we’ll never know now. Could be the father may not ever have even known.
The most interesting thing to me is that that side of our family has a rare genetic disease that 8 relatives of mine on that same side have died from since the late 1960’s. This other family ALSO has the same genetic disease and has lost 9 or so of their family to it. Just that fact alone clinched it for me that we are somehow related.
I’ve been in contact with one of the people from this family and we’ve tried to piece things together but I don’t see a way we’ll ever figure out how things happened.
Just from a genealogy aspect I’d love to know more of the story!
I doubt that it was genuinely a one-time transgression; he and the neighbor lady probably engaged in multiple acts of intercourse; while it's possible to become pregnant through a single act, it is still rather unlikely.
And there may have been still other "neighbor ladies" with whom your father consorted.
[...] and he and the mother both were never sure [...]
Or simply didn't care.
I sincerely sympathize with you. (The "babysitting" part of your story is especially poignant.) You bear none of the guilt in this case - but have been forced to deal with the long-term consequences.
Regards,
There is another side to this all. Mom passed almost 2 years ago, and donor passed 3 months later. Mom had a bit of dementia, and donor quite a bit. Mom 81, “dad” 83ish. That doesn’t bode well for me, but at least I’m aware of it. Genetics is important for health reasons, especially for knowing about potential family traits. I hope in *less* than 20 years we’ll have figgered out this dementia stuff. I’d rather not subject my kid to this crap.
On a side note, I am being especially nice to him lately...he’s gonna choose my nursing home!
I am an adopted person who sent my DNA to ancestry in order to find my biological father. I knew my whole life I was adopted. When I made contact with my biological family, I had to keep in mind that I was a new entity for them. So I went slow and respected their privacy. They have all embraced me and consider me family.
Please be kind to this new person. They may not have had any inkling that the man they were raised with wasn’t their father. Or maybe they did. Maybe they heard rumors, maybe they don’t resemble their father and they wanted answers.
No one is saying that you need sent a place for them at thanksgiving, but at the very least, answer the questions they have about your dad, especially if there are any medical issues.
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