Posted on 06/10/2020 8:32:25 AM PDT by NEMDF
One of my sisters had put DNA in to 23 & Me sometime in the past (several years ago, maybe).
Over the past week, she has been notified of a person who just recently submitted DNA for testing. It turns out that this person seems to be our half-sibling.
There are 5 of us from same parents, all born from 1954 to 1960. The newly identified one seems to be related only to our father and born in 1964. I babysat for this person and two siblings, when I was around 10 or 11.
Their family moved away around 1969, but I have had some contacts with the family over the years, having also relocated to the same state. Now find out that this half-sibling has lived in the same city, and at one time, only 1.5 miles from me over some of the interim years, so very likely we have crossed paths in the past. The person no longer lives in this state or area.
Of our parents' generation, only the mother of the half-sibling is still living.
My sister has been in contact with the newly identified half-sibling, who never had an inkling that their dad was not the biological father.
I am trying to comprehend this news, and to develop some possible foreseeable outcomes, but this is very challenging on a cognitive level.
I am just wondering whether any FReepers have any experience with this type of situation, what happened with the relationships, advice on moving forward, etc.
Thanks in advance for any input or suggestions.
For me it would fall under “Let sleeping dogs lie”.
Just sayin’
Let it be
A woman in my town never knew her bio dad. Neither did her mom. It was one night fling and she never knew the dad information or where he was from.
She was contacted one day last year by the bio kids of the dad who passed away a few years ago after doing 23 and me. Turns out he was a great guy who never knew he had a daughter from another mother.
Not truly responsive to your post, but along the same lines.
Just guessing here, but my guess is that the DNA has caused endless anguish and grief as infidelity and lying are disclosed, and (to a much lesser degree) relatives are discovered to be criminals.
The family destroying potential in my mind outweighs any possible good, but each person must make his choice on what is important.
Not as close to home as yours, but my great grandfather apparently had a child out of wedlock before he met and married my great grandmother. We have no evidence that he knew about this pregnancy. My sister found this out via Ancestry and was debating whether or not to tell my uncle.I didn’t think it would bother him, but my sister was afraid it would.
Not truly responsive to your post, but along the same lines.
Just guessing here, but my guess is that the DNA has caused endless anguish and grief as infidelity and lying are disclosed, and (to a much lesser degree) relatives are discovered to be criminals.
The family destroying potential in my mind outweighs any possible good, but each person must make his choice on what is important.
It is easier to swallow in that our father left within a couple years after that, and he and my mother divorced. He was not an exemplary father, and rarely saw us kids after that, even though he lived within a three-hour drive.
I think for the half-sibling, whose parents were married for over 60 years until the death of the husband, it must be sort of devastating that the mother presumably cheated.
My sister has been in contact with the newly identified half-sibling, who never had an inkling that their dad was not the biological father.
The only advice I would have given is already water under the bridge.
I would have advised not to contact this new sibling if there was a surviving parent. (assuming that you could find out).
I would have advised against possibly alienating the affections of the surviving parent and child over a long past infidelity.
Kind of, sort of, had this.
My grandfather was a Jewish man in Germany. He married an ethnic German from a very wealthy family. She converted in an Orthodox shul. They had three daughters.
The 1930s came along; they had an amicable divorce and he filed papers that he was not the father and she never converted — so the children would not be considered “Jewish” under German law. (This was very common.)
He fled for the USA and joined the US Army. Served in Europe as a doctor. Treated many a wounded Nazi because he spoke German.
Anyway, we’ve semi-reunited with several half-cousins (or whatever they would be called).
Some visited Israel and are considering “conversion”. (Technically, they’re Jewish, as it was a valid maternal conversion.)
Most are decidedly pissed and antisemitic and want nothing to do with anything.
Ignorance is bliss in this situation. I prefer not rewriting my family’s history.
You’re all so old now, just talk about it.
Did you talk to the half sibling on 23 and me messaging?
My sister had no idea that I would immediately know who this family and half-sibling were, due to where I live, and having had contact with the family in the interim years due to strange coincidences.
Then also, having found out that the person lived right near me, kind of gives me the feeling of God putting people in the same place at the same time, in an effort to be sure they meet up. (I have had several experiences in my life like this, which have been positive, but kind of eerie.)
It is up to the new half-sibling about whether to move forward now, it seems. They have a great deal more of new info to absorb, than we do, as well as to decide about asking the mother. Also about telling their own siblings, children, etc.
You don't know that. You don't know any of the details.
It is possible that both couples were aware of the donation. It is possible that it was done without any cheating or even physical contact.
Only my one sister has been in touch with the new one, and I am not sure if it was on the 23 and me messaging or some other way.
Yes, we are all from 56 to 63 years old, and the surviving mother is 86.
One brother’s reaction to this news (which amused me) was, “....I am shaken, not stirred.....” by the info.
I would be upset to learn of any fidelity on the part of my now deceased folks.....I hold them in such high esteem...however, getting an extra half sibling or other relative is like playing the casino with free money....growing family is always a great thing....
We have two women friends (unrelated) and each woman found an unknown half sister, close to a decade ago.
Not only are they now close to their new sisters, but their new families.
My wife had an uncle (one of 8), who just disappeared and left his family in his hometown. They thought that he was dead.
Years later his daughter via a second unknown marriage to the original family surfaced after her dad, the missing uncle died living 100 miles from his first family and his brothers.
She made contact with my wife’s dad and another one of his brothers, her Uncles. She later said that her son couldn’t handle knowing what his Dad did. So, she asked them not to contact her any more. Her and his loss.
Another man we know with 3 siblings, found our his mother was a real love child as he and the other 3 siblings had 4 different Dads. I think that there were 11 unknown siblings due to the wandering Dads and the love child.
He said that Christmas’s were interesting and you needed an IPad with DNA trees to keep track of everyone.
A non family member at one of these Christmas parties, asked one of his newer sisters how they were related,
She replied, “By intercourse!” Now everyone in that really extended California family uses that relationship term.
I’ve done the DNA thing to identify my birth relatives (I was adopted). I found both sides. You’d be surprised at the number of people who “find” half siblings. I have 5, LOL. I used to think society was more conservative (even pious) in earlier generations and genealogy has taught me how wrong that impression was. Do you have a Facebook page? If you do, there are DNA groups on FB that are private (you have to be accepted to the group and no one except members can see your posts) and you can discuss your next steps in-depth with others who have been there/done that.
Anyone ever swabbed their dog’s mouth and sent it in?
I had my DNA done and I wish my four siblings would. My dad only had one brother that never married and my mom is an only child so I don’t have any first cousins. My DNA is Scottish, Welsh, Dane, and Irish and highly concentrated in those areas with a tiny bit from my mom’s German/French/English side so obviously some of her ancestry is from the same area as Dad’s. Mom is from a very small family.
Dad had traced the family tree the old way and traced it back to Scottish immigrants that came to North Carolina during the Scottish clearances, sort of like with the show Outlander. My original ancestor from Scotland came here in the 1700’s and fought in the Revolution. As far as I can tell none of my family is still in Scotland. I traced them all the way back to Normans that fought with King David of Scotland and were awarded land in Scotland.
It gets more interesting when more people in the family do it. The thing that surprised me the most is that my DNA showed no Native American (Cherokee) and no African ancestry.
That is funny, related “by intercourse!”.
At least in our situation, we are all old enough to be somewhat understanding of transgressions, accepting of reality, etc.
But, for example, the new half-sibling has two children, who would now likely find out that their adored grandfather wasn’t really related to them, and their adored grandmother may have cheated on him, which might be hard for these young adults to take in.
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