Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex

AnneMarieMiller ^ | August 19, 2013 | Anne Marie Miller

[NYer]

Dear Parents,

Please allow me a quick moment to introduce myself before we go much further. My name is Anne Marie Miller. I’m thirty-three years old. I’m newly married to a wonderful man named Tim. We don’t have any children yet, but we plan to. For the purpose of this letter, you need to know I’m a recovering addict. Pornography was my drug of choice.

I grew up in the church – the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher man with a passion for learning the Bible. I was the honors student; the athlete; the girl who got along with everyone from the weird kids to the popular ones. It was a good life. I was raised in a good home.

It was 1996, I was sixteen, and the Internet was new. After my family moved from a sheltered, conservative life in west Texas to the ethnically and sexually diverse culture of Dallas/Fort Worth, I found myself lonely, curious, and confused.

Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad’s depression, and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school, I turned to the Internet for education. I didn’t know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad and I was too afraid to ask. What started as an innocent pursuit of knowledge quickly escalated into a coping mechanism.

When I looked at pornography, I felt a feeling of love and safety – at least for a brief moment. But those brief moments of relief disappeared and I was left even more ashamed and confused than when I started. Pornography provided me both an emotional and a sexual release.

For five years I carried this secret. I was twenty-one when I finally opened up to a friend only because she opened up to me first about her struggle with sexual sin. We began a path of healing in 2001 and for the last twelve years, although not a perfect journey, I can say with great confidence God has set me free from that addiction and from the shame that followed. I returned to school to study the science behind addiction and family dynamics.

Over the last six years I’ve had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of venues: thousands of college students, men, women and teens. This summer, I was invited to speak at several camps to both junior high and high school students and it’s without exaggeration when I tell you with each year I counsel students, the numbers and the stories shock me more and more.

There are more students compulsively looking at pornography at younger ages and with greater frequency than ever before.

This summer, by a long stretch, was the “worst” in terms of what secrets I learned students carried. After my last night speaking at my last camp, I retreated to my room and collapsed on the bed face-first. Tim simply laid his hand on my back to comfort me.

I could not logically reconcile in my mind all the confessions I heard over the summer with the children who shared them. While every story was unique in the details, in most situations, there were three common themes that kept surfacing.

1. Google is the new Sex-Ed: Remember the first time you, as a parent, saw pornography? Likely it was a friend’s parent who had a dirty magazine or maybe you saw something somebody brought to school. Now, when a student hears a word or phrase they don’t understand, they don’t ask you what it means (because they fear getting in trouble). They don’t ask their friends (because they fear being ashamed for not knowing). They ask Google.Google won’t judge them for not knowing. Because of our short attention spans and desire for instant gratification, they don’t click the first link that shows up – they go straight to Google Images. In almost all of the stories I heard, this is how someone was first exposed to pornography – Google Image searching. The average age of first exposure in my experience was 9 years old.
2. If Your Child was Ever Molested, You Likely Don’t Know: Another extremely common theme was children being inappropriately touched, often by close family members or friends. When I was molested at sixteen, I didn’t tell a soul until I was in my twenties. I didn’t tell my own mother until I was twenty-eight. The stigma and shame of being a victim coupled with the trauma that happens with this experience is confusing to a child of any age: our systems weren’t made to process that event. Many things keep children from confessing abuse: being told they’ve made it up or are exaggerating, being a disappointment, and in most cases, getting the other person in trouble. While a child can look at pornography without being abused, children who have been molested by and large look at pornography and act out sexually. 
3. Your Child is Not the Exception: After speaking with a youth pastor at a camp, he said most parents live with the belief their child is the exception. Your child is not. The camps I went to this summer weren’t camps full of children on life’s fringes that one would stereotypically believe experience these traumatic events or have access to these inappropriate things. You must throw your stereotypes aside. Most of the children at these camps were middle class, mostly churched students. Let me give you a snapshot of a few things I heard from these students:

• They’ve sent X-rated photos of themselves to their classmates (or received them).
• They’ve exposed themselves to strangers on the Internet or through sexting.
• They’ve seen pornography.
• They’ve read pornography.
• They’ve watched pornography.
• The girls compare their bodies to the ones they see in ads at the mall or of actresses and keep those images hidden on their phone (or iPod, or whatever device they have) so they can try to imitate them.
• They question their sexuality.
• They’ve masturbated.
• They know exactly where and in what movies sex scenes are shown and they watch them for sexual gratification.
• They’ve had a homosexual experience.

And they’re terrified to tell you.

But maybe you’re right. Maybe your child is the exception. I would argue at this juncture in life, being the exception is as equally dangerous.

At the end of every session I presented I intentionally and clearly directed students to ask me or another leader if they didn’t understand or know what a certain word meant. “Do not go to the Internet and look it up.”

Sure enough, there is always the child who stays behind until everyone leaves and quietly asks what the word “porn” means or if God is angry because that boy or girl from down the street told them it was okay for them to touch them “down there.” There is the child in the back row who leans over to his friend and asks, “what does molest mean?” and the other boy shrugs.

This summer, I am beyond grateful that mature, God-fearing adults were available to answer those questions with grace and tact and maturity; that we were in a setting that was safe for questions and confessions. It was entirely appropriate. Not every child gets that opportunity. Most won’t. Most will find out from the Internet or from a peer who isn’t equipped to provide the correct answer in the correct context.

As the summer camp season ends, I feel a shift in my heart. For the last six years, I’ve felt a calling to share with students how God has set me free from the shame and actions of my past and that they aren’t alone (because they truly believe they are). One college dean referred to me as “the grenade we’re tossing into our student body to get the conversation of sex started” because they realized how sweeping these topics under the rug caused their students to live trapped and addicted and ashamed. I will continue sharing my testimony in that capacity as long as there is a student in front of me that needs to hear it.

However, I am more aware now more than ever before in my ministry how little parents know about what’s happening. And because I’m not a parent, I feel terribly inadequate in telling you this.

But I can’t not tell you. After seeing the innocence in the eyes of ten year olds who’ve carried secrets nobody, let alone a child, should carry; after hearing some of the most horrific accounts from students I’ve ever heard this year, I cannot go one more day without pleading with you to open up and have these difficult conversations with your children. Would you prefer your son or daughter learn what a “fetish” is from you or from searching Google Images? Talk to them about abuse and yes, even trafficking.

Just this month I met a relative of a girl whose own mother was selling her body from the time she was five until now, when she’s sixteen. This was not in some drug-infested ghetto. It was in a very upscale town in a very upscale state known for its nature and beauty and summer houses.

Your children need to know. If not for them, maybe for a friend. Maybe they can help bring context or see warning signs.

Ask them what they know. Ask them what they’ve done. Ask them what’s been done to them. Show grace and love. Stay far away from judgment and condemnation. If you feel ill equipped, ask a pastor or counselor for help. If you hear an answer you didn’t expect and your first instinct is to dismiss it – don’t. Find a counselor. Look for resources. Continue following up. If you struggle with this (and let’s admit it, statistically, a lot of us do), get help too.

Do the right thing, the hard thing, for the sake of your children. If we don’t do this now, I am terrified of how the enemy will continue stealing hope and joy from our youngest generation and how they’ll be paralyzed to advance the Kingdom of God as they mature.

We cannot let this happen on our watch.

*Specific details that could identify children have been changed in such a way that it does not affect the story and only protects the children. Mandatory Reporters reported confessions that involved abuse or neglect or situations that indicated a child was in any type of danger by using proper state laws and procedures.

[Gabz]

The government schools have been teaching kids sex education for the last 40 years.

There was sex ed in Catholic schools 40 years - it may not have been called sex ed, but it was taught - I know because I spent 12 years in Catholic schools and graduated 35 years ago.

[a fool in paradise]

Sex positive proponents seek to see everyone sexually active at every age (including children). Planned Parenthood’s “education” wing is under SIECUS which pushes this agenda.

Positive.org tells kids to “just say yes” in essence because “too many snooty people tell you to say no and stuff”.

Bury your head in the sand and believe it to be as when you were growing up. The agenda is pushed in school (Massachusetts taught safe fisting), hospitals, and on taxpayer funded “medical” and “academic” websites.

The goal is to end all moral judgments about sexual pairings of ANY kind regardless of sex, age, relation, marital status, number, or species of partner(s).

[a fool in paradise]

Sex education has been on the slide since the 1960s from “biology” and “hygiene” into discussions of acceptance of homosexuality, experimentation (and encouragement to do so), birth control (playing with condoms in class), do it yourself day-after pill purchasing, offsite visits to abortionists (without parental knowledge or consent),...

[wbill]

Agreed. However, if you had read my entire post, the key for a parent is to spend time with, and to work with, their kids, not simply to be an obstacle for their children to get around.

To elaborate further, a parent can't serve as a full-time moral compass for their children, particularly as they get older. An example, yes. A teacher, sure. But they simply cannot be there 24/7.

That's when the child's moral compass needs to kick in - let them critically evaluate what they've been exposed to. My ultimate goal would be to have WBill Jr say "Meh, No thank you." when exposed to (for instance) the garbage that PP pushes. I wouldn't expect that advanced critical thinking at age 4, but then I kept a lot closer rein on him at that age. At age 14, I can't, and don't want to be, a helocopter parent.

[goodwithagun]

The high school in which I teach was embroiled in a rape case that gained international exposure. Now our state’s AG opened up the grand jury tp possibly indict adults that might have allegedly known about this. All of the students, except one, involved in this are from our coveted scholars program. They are our “good kids.” they rack up hundreds of volunteer hours, make themselves known in church, attend all the important events, and are on executive boards for Key Club, YWCA, etc. Their college applications will not be lacking in any areas. These “good kids” are now being subpoenaed for testimony, and parents are discovering these “good kids” drink excessively (some every night), smoke weed, and have sex. A few parents aren’t surprised as they are the ones supplying the booze and places to party. This has been going on since middle school, and all of the kids have managed to keep it a well organized secret.

[a fool in paradise]

Schools are getting to the point of repeatedly instructing kids that their parents don’t know everything (God, sexuality, global warming, fairness and redistribution, white privilege, etc).

Al Gore and others have explicitly used this approach to undermine parental authority.

The new morality is amorality. With academia, media, and medical professionals (two of which are “authority” figures) it is a constant battle against Left Wing agit prop.

[Resolute Conservative]

When I am in the store I make it a point to turn every magazine I see around backwards. We “pay forward” on the dvr and only watch shows we record so we can FF through the commercials. My kids never spend the night at anyone’s house we haven’t known for years or are related to.

[Gabz]

My only point was that it has not just been “government” schools teaching what t times has been called everything from sex ed to biology and hygiene and health.

I have a 15yo daughter, I spend a fair amount of time around kids that age. I’m pretty impressed with what I hear from the crowd she hangs with and the reasons they want nothing to do with the other “crowds.” It can be downright comical at times, but it is also scary for not only them but for us as parents about what they are exposed to, even inadvertently.

I will never forget how mortified I was in 6th grade when my mother was the only mother who decided to attend the session on menstruation at school, except of course for the school nurse who gave the class. Needless to say, when a similar type of class was being given 4 years ago when my daughter was in 6th grade I didn’t want to do to her what my mother did to me. Boy was I shocked when she said I “had” to go because she didn’t want to be the only one of her friends whose mother did NOT attend.

I attended Catholic school, she attends public school.

[catnipman]

1. “a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school”

2. “I didn’t know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad”

3. “I was too afraid to ask.”

Uh, I think THOSE are the three things that were the real problem, namely: sexual abuse by a “religious” figure, ignorance of the basic facts of life a junior in high school should have been taught but wasn’t, and being raised in an environment of fear, ignormance and a lack of adult support that fostered the environment for the first two items to occur.

It wasn’t the Internet and “porn” that caused these problems, it was because adults were not doing their jobs to educate and protect their children from REAL WORLD horrors.

[wbill]

Schools are getting to the point of repeatedly instructing kids that their parents don’t know everything

Never mind schools, you only need to turn on the TV for 5 minutes to see that. :-)

When I was in school - particularly Jr High and HS - I thought that my teachers were mostly fools. With the advantage of hindsight, age, and experience, I can see that ...yep... they mostly were. A short handful of good ones, a double handful of complete morons, and the rest were a lackluster group of forgettables.

I'll walk out on a limb here, and guess that today's teenagers haven't improved their opinion of the authority figures in their lives.

So, is it possible that a child with a solid relationship with their parents, one that's been built on trust and over years of hard work, will toss all that out the window because Mrs/Mr Smith, the waycool transsexual English teacher who *never* assigns homework, and who *all* the kids think is awesome....says so? I've got a higher opinion of my kid than that.

However, and to your point, I think that argument *certainly* could be made that Planned Parenthood, or other media outlets, or that strawman (strawperson?) English teacher that I fabricated, would look for the weaker kids. Maybe ones without good parental relationships, or with weaker, "my kids are my best friends"-type parents, or without parents at all. I'm not so sure what to do there, predators will always look for prey. I just volunteer where I can in the community, and do the best job I can with my own kids so that maybe they can be an example for others.

[montag813]

There’s a simple solution to all this: don’t ever give your child a smartphone. And limit internet usage at home with filters. If you want your kids to be safe get them a Net10 or Tracfone that can’t send image texts.

[Slyfox]

There was sex ed in Catholic schools 40 years - it may not have been called sex ed, but it was taught - I know because I spent 12 years in Catholic schools and graduated 35 years ago.

The sex ed you got was merely info about your body which fit nicely with the Church's teachings on virtue.

This newer type of sex ed is specifically designed to remove any connection between God and the child's soul. It was developed by SEICUS and other sex-obsessed entities and patterned after the sex research of Alfred Kinsey.

[rwilson99]

Well it’s a big deal... With the explosion of high speed Internet you have young men with no social skills and truly horrible cases of ED.

About 70,000 of them discuss their struggles on a board called no fap on reddit.com

Spend an hour there and tell me it’s no big deal.

[old and tired]

I agree with you. However, I do hear my adult children and their spouses saying (in my opinion absolutely necessary) things to their children that we never would've said or even thought. Things like, "Never, ever take a picture of yourself or anyone else naked."

But putting "your kid has seen pornography" on the same list as "your kid has had a homosexual relationship" is ridiculous. I remember a few years ago, just trying to look online at something from Dick's Sporting Goods or BJ's warehouse brought up pornography. I remember onetime I typed BJWarehouse.com with my grandson sitting on my lap. Yikes! Big mistake, but by the same token, of course your kid has seen pornography by the time he's a teenager.

[cornfedcowboy]

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it....chances are you won’t either.

[Slyfox]

When I was 14 and attending a public school in Corona, California this was required reading in my freshman English 1A class

I can't help but think of the teachers who teach that stuff. Do they get their jollies by "opening" the minds of youth?

And, how many teachers protested books like that who were let go soon after they complained.

[steve86]

.one can almost always see disgusting pornographic images turn up as a result.

With the combination of "safesearch is locked" and OpenDNS blocking, I have not seen an objectionable image in over a decade and am on the Internet all the time. Bing has a similar safe search feature. Highly recommend you use these.

[NYer]

it’s hiding in plain sight on network television

You are so right!! Last month, here in NY, just past 10 pm, advertising began for Trojan lubricants. No holds barred ... right out in the open on cable television. Apparently I am not the only one who was shocked at the advertising. The ads lasted about 3 weeks and then ... poof! ... disappeared.

[Politicalmom]

I’m still trying to recover from a search I did years ago for “children’s playhouses” when I wanted to build something for my girls.

A couple weeks ago, AdBlock autocorrected my “www.bible.com” URL to a porn site address. They still haven’t explained that one to my satisfaction.

[steve86]

However, to tut-tut over teenaged boys having an interest in dirty pictures, and even (gasp) masturbating

It can be a mortal sin. Best to not get in the habit. Boys and girls.