(Vanity) A Tale of Two Turtles (with apologies to Charles Dickens and Theodor Giesel)

On the far-away Bubble of Washington DC,
Pelosi the Turtle was queen of the Legistlatee.
A nice little bubble. It was fat. There was work.
The lobbyists were kind. There was plenty of pork.
The Congressturtles had all Congressturtles might need.
And they were all happy, yes, happy, indeed!

They were, until Nancy, the Queen of them all,
decided the fiefdom she ruled was too small!
"I'm ruler," said Nancy,"of All I can see."
"But I don't rule enough, that's what's bothering me."
"From my Speaker's-chair throne, I look down on the House.
But to me it's as small as the hole of a Mouse.
This throne that I sit on's as small as a box.
(And she would have frowned, but for all the Botox.)
If I could sit higher, how much prouder I'd be!
What a Queen-bee! Of D.C. ! Pelosi would be!"

So Nancy, SpeakerTurtle, lifted her hand
And Nancy, SpeakerTurtle gave her command:
she ordered Nine Congressturtles down to her chair
and told them to build a stack into the air
She made each of them climb on each other's back
And made a nine-Congressturtle-deep stack
And Nancy climbed on, to her new Throne-as-Home.
She could almost see out of the Capitol Dome!

"All mine!" Nancy cried. "Oh, the subjects I rule!
I can regulate cows! I can regulate school!
I am Queen of the House! And, not only that,
I am also the Number One Democrat!
I'm Nancy the Turtle! All bow before me!
For I am the Mistress of All I Can See!

And all through her first term, she sat up on high
Assuring herself that "A Great Queen Am I!"
'Till One Day During the Health Care Debate
(she'd fought with the Elephants, which made her irate)
"What's THAT?" snapped Pelosi
as she glared down the Stack.
"Excuse me," said one, whose name was Stupak.
But's it's hard, with your weight, and this vote, on my back.
My constituents, well, they all think, I'm pro-Life.
If I vote for this Bill, what can I tell my wife?"

"SILENCE! the Queen of the Congress roared back,
"I'm the QUEEN of the Congress, not a partisan hack!"
"This vote is for Barack, Obama Hussein.
"He *HATES* the unborn, and it makes him insane.
You give him your vote, and he'll cut you a deal.
Which he'll sign with a flourish and affix with a seal.
An Executive Order is what he will sign
so tell that to your wife, and FALL BACK IN LINE!"

"Turtles! More Turtles!" Queen Nancy then cried.
And turtles, more turtles, they swam to her side.
They trembled, they shook; but they came. They obeyed.
All the Democrat Turtles, just a few who held back,
came over and voted, and climbed into the stack!
"I'm the QUEEN! cried Pelosi. What else can it mean?"
My Turtles for Healthcare total Two Hundred Nineteen.
And she carried her gavel so it could be seen.

But while she was showing off, to her surprise
A bright shining beacon appeared to her eyes.
A shimmering object from out of the North
the visage of Palin began to shine forth!
"Who's THAT?" snorted Nancy. "I thought she was through."
"We set her up with those fake interviews
where she looked like an idiot on National News."
And then, to make sure that we'd finished her off,
we made her quit Governor!" Queen Nancy did scoff.

"And besides her, what are those strange creatures I see?"
Each one like an Elephant, but curled in its Trunk
It's holding a Tea-Bag! Oh, what useless junk!
What *can* they be thinking, these baggers of Tea,
to think they can handle the likeness of *me*.

But all of her scorn the Tea-Baggers had noted
and they went to their polling places and they voted.
And when the day ended, and results were known,
the baggers had cast Nancy down from her Throne!
Through rallies and email, phone calls and Tweets,
the Tea-baggers had won back sixty-some seats!

And today the great Nancy, that Wonderful She,
is Queen of the Mud. And that's OK with me.

And the Tea-baggers teach us, the way it should be
In the Land of the Brave and the Home of the Free!

And the other turtle, Obama Hussein?
The one whom Queen Nancy had said was insane?
He saw this all happen, and yet stays aloof,
and says to himself "I won't fall. Here's the proof."
"For while Nancy has fallen," he says, (as a boast)
"I know *I'm secure, perched atop this fence post."

Work this one up! Sneetches:

The Sneetches”

This story offers varied lessons. It portrays the senselessness of prejudice and discrimination, and also a lesson of materialism and entrepreneurship.

Sneetches are a group of vaguely avian yellow creatures who live on a beach. Some Sneetches have a green star on their bellies, and in the beginning of the story the absence of a star is the basis for discrimination. Sneetches who have stars on their bellies are part of the “in crowd,” while Sneetches without stars are shunned and consequently mopey.

In the story, a con man named Sylvester McMonkey McBean, calling himself a “fix-it-up chappie,” appears, driving a cart of strange machines. He offers the Sneetches without stars a chance to have them by going through his Star-On machine, for three dollars. The treatment is instantly popular, but this upsets the original star-bellied Sneetches, as they are in danger of losing their method for discriminating between Sneetches. Then McBean tells them about his Star-Off machine, costing ten dollars. The Sneetches formerly with stars happily pay the money to have them removed in order to remain special.

However, McBean does not share the prejudices of the Sneetches, and allows the recently starred Sneetches through this machine as well. Ultimately this escalates, with the Sneetches running from one machine to the next,

“until neither the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
whether this one was that one... or that one was this one
or which one was what one... or what one was who.”

This continues until the Sneetches are penniless and McBean departs a rich man, amused by their folly. Despite his assertion that “you can’t teach a Sneetch,” the Sneetches learn from this experience that neither plain-belly nor star-belly Sneetches are superior, and they are able to get along and become friends.

This story is referenced in punk rock band Dead Kennedys’ song “Holiday in Cambodia,” riot grrrl band Bikini Kill’s song “Star Bellied Boy,” and in hip-hop ensemble Flobots’ song “Simulacra,” from their album Onamatopoeia.

This story is also the subject of singer Ben Cooper’s song “The Sneetches,” in which he sings, “we are nothing only Sneetches, thinking that our stars are brighter than on thars.”

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