Aw Jeez, not this shiitake again!
. 
Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Aw Jeez, not this shiitake again!
.
Pretty good! 7, 9, 10. +++
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Where’s my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within."
This isn’t a pun, but it’s close:
A woman walks into a hardware store for some latches for her gate. As she waits for the clerk to ring up the purchase she spots a deluxe coffee maker on the shelf behind him and asks how much it is. He tells her the price, and she decides it’s too much. The clerk begins to ring up the latches and says “Do you wanna screw for these latches?” and she says “No, but I will for the coffee pot.”
Sea kelp.
If I wanted to pick up a date in a bar, I'd go to a health food store.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart!
Hahahaha...
How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Forty five. We just don’t know why and they won’t tell.
LOL
Thanks, smoking frog. I’ve been so perturbed about BO and the tyranny in our government this past week. I needed a couple of really good laughs.
I like #1, 2, and 4!
OK, that was funny too!
Two robins sat in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Me, too,” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Me either. Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
“I just love baskin’ robins.”
Boy I did "Nazi" this coming...
Thanks for this. Man I sure needed the laugh!
A poached egg, a piece of bacon and a slice of toast walk into a bar together. The egg says, “A round of beers for me and my pals, here.”
The bartender leans over the bar and squints to take a closer look at the trio and says, “Sorry bud, but we dont serve breakfast here.
After he graduated, he met the love of his life. Her name was Edith.
They became quite serious and John told me he wanted to marry Edith but she was not looking to be a young widow due to his heavy weight and refused.
I told him if he really loved her, he'd have to lose weight. "It's simple, John. You can't have your cake and Edith too."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.
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