Posted on 07/07/2009 12:41:27 PM PDT by marthemaria
I am struggling with a very selfish grief. I am loosing it really. Everybody seems to be going on. But I am still in the middle of my grief. It is just a month ago. But I miss my mother so much. I know she would want me to be happy . But I am not there yet. I am in this selfish grief of why why why. I cant accept it. I miss her so much. I am sitting on her grave every day. I am crying and I am grieving. I talk to her. I look at her picture and listen to her voice on my cellphone.
When can I accept it and let her go. Right now I am clinging to her. I am at her grave all the time. I look at her pictures. I listen to her voice on my cellphone, I look at pictures of here. I just miss her so much
And I should not judge those who grieve for mr jackson. but it still feels absurd.
PS......It’s OK to cry.
Feelings are right or wrong — they just are. It’s what one does with the feelings that is right or wrong.
Prayers going up for you. May God grant you the strength to carry on.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))))marthemaria it’s OK to cry and be mad and miss her.I never grieved for my Mom cause I felt she never left me.I considered it a wonderful grace.I will pray for you,Fatima
What you are going through is normal.
I did the exact same thing for about a year after my mom died.
It was back in 1988, she came home with dad from a nice dinner, said goodnight to me and never woke up again. I was younger (in my 20’s) and had to be strong for the funeral and such... but once it was over I was lost. I a long time looking at old pictures, listening to her voice on old cassettes my dad made of our family during Christmas.. and feeling very very alone.
Trust me, just give it time.. it WILL get better.
Now I like to think of my mom looking down on me and happy that things turned out so good for me.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’ll keep you and other struggling FReepers in my prayers.
I just read these posts, and they bear out exactly what a church group and I discussed last week.
Grieving is very personal-and must be done in one’s own way.
May God bless you.
What you are going through is part of healing. It’s a great deal of work. When my wife Jan died three years ago, my daughter expressed very similar thoughts and actions. We learned to dwell on thoughts other than ‘why?’ and dealt with ‘what,’ and the ‘what’ that we dealt with first was what would mom want us to do.
Jan would want us to grow toward the dreams she had for us. Nothing less.
In the process of my realignment with reality, I happened to read a book written by a lady who lost her husband. I had told Jan I’d gladly take her place, if I could, prior to her unsuccessful bone marrow transplant. In the book, the author stated that though she’d had that thought about trading places with her husband, she decided she would never have traded places, because she’d never want to put her husband through the pain of the grief she was feeling.
Modern society doesn’t prepare us well to grieve. It’s not a lost art, but it isn’t spoken of... we’re left to grieve alone for the most part. You are a person of very strong feelings. You will minister peace, in your future, to those around you who experience loss, as I have found myself doing since I lost my darling. You see, it’s what she would have wanted (and it’s what she would have done).
I wish you well, and I’ll pray for your comfort, as so many here will. Take life one day at a time. Take time to find the beauty in the clouds, mountains, flowers, and in children. Dwell in the memory of good times, and in time, you’ll create new memories of good times. It is what your mom would want.
Matt 18:20
My pop passed away at my home...in 1998.
Not a day goes by..that I don't think of him, or speak like him.
I miss him greatly.....
Thank you, glock......thank you everyone...
I strongly recommend "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. That book literally saved my sanity after my mom's death. You may want to wait another month before reading it, it requires a bit of mental tranquility to let the book sink into your conciousness. Give it a try, either right now or later, it is extremely helpful.
I just recieved this prayer in e-mail & thought of your post.
I have no advice for you but am glad you have reached out for support in your time of need.
I do hope you find some peace & comfort soon.
**********************************
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be confident knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
marthemaria, everyone grieves when they lose loved ones. It breaks the heart. We all grieve in different ways and for some it takes longer. Don’t beat yourself up over your grief. Take as long as it takes for you. yes, your Mom would not want you hurting, but you have to walk this valley and there is Someone who walks with you. He has suffered and hurt like we all have and He knows what you are feeling. That is why He won’t leave you alone. He’s there. Ask Him to help and He will give it. I know this. I will keep you in prayer.
Oh sweet sweet marthemaria...I am weeping with you. I know, I have been there. My parents have been gone 15 years, and although it has got better and time has healed the intense pain, there are days I long and cry for them again. I spent many a hour grieving by my parents grave. There is something healing about going.
God wants to wrap you in His Loving Arms and bring comfort to you.
Was your mom ill for a while or did she leave you suddenly?
I will commit to praying for you...
Polly
Marthemaria, don’t make your grieving even worse with guilt, dear. I don’t know if you are a mother, but, if you are a mom, you know that nothing is more important to a loving mother than the wellbeing of her child.
Everything you have said indicates that you had a very loving mother and that you are a very loving daughter. Any worry you might have caused would have been replaced with joy, thanksgiving, and happiness that you had overcome whatever problem and had a loving relationship with her. Loving mothers are like that.
Just from reading this thread you know the compassion that is being expressed for you from people who care that you are grieving so deeply for your mother. We are here for you. Your grief is being taken before the throne of our most loving and compassionate Savior and God in prayer. And, no one cares more deeply about your grief than they do. They will see you through it.
Grieving over the loss of a loved one is a process that we all must endure, and we each do it differently and for different lengths of time. For those of us who have gone through it, the rawness of your grief is understandable. Each day will bring you closer to the time when you will be able to cope more easily, even though it doesn’t seem so to you now.
May it comfort you to know that so many care and are praying for you.
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 - In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Maybe there are some unconscious regrets?
Not accusing but I did have some guilt when my father died because I hadn’t called him very often while my parents were away staying at my brother’s house.
I asked God and my dad for forgivness and I forgave myself, I do know that he knew, without a doubt, how much I loved him.
(((((((Many Hugs and Prayers)))))))
Usually not one to wear my heart on my shoulder, I feel your pain.
I lost my boyfriend of 3 years to cancer a short 3 weeks ago.
I find myself breaking down in tears in the oddest of places and the strangest of times.
Everyone says it takes time and grieving is an important part of loss.
May I suggest a book to you that a very sweet friend of mine gave me to read just a few days before my Richie passed on. It brought me great comfort, peace and understanding. I still pick it up and read a page or two when I am feeling pretty low.
Carry it around with you and when you have a moment when you feel the grief is too much to bear, or your pain will never go away, open it, read.
The book is called “Keep Going, The Art of Perseverence” by Joseph M. Marshall, III.
A short excerpt: ‘Grandfather says this “Life can give you strength. Strength can come from facing the storms of life, from knowing loss, feeling sadness and heartache, from falling into the depths of grief. You must stand up in the storm. You must face the wind and the cold and the darkness. When the storm blows hard you must stand firm, for it is not trying to knock you down, it is really trying to make you strong”
I’ll pray for peace for you.
Friend, I’m so sorry for your pain. Your grief isn’t selfish; however, it is something you will feel very alone in, so it may seem selfish for that reason. You loved your mom with overwhelming love, so it’s natural for your grief to be overwhelming at this time.
When my dad passed away, I was like you — I couldn’t believe life actually continued on. My dad was gone and I was devastated beyond anything I could have imagined - yet all around me people were acting as if nothing had happened. It has now been nearly 2-1/2 years and I still miss him terribly.
I took care of my dad for the last two years of his life. On one occasion he told me he wasn’t afraid of death, but he was afraid for my grief. Now I understand why he said that. He was always my protector and if he could have shielded me from this pain, he would have.
I’m sure your mom felt the same about you. She would want you to be happy, as you said, so do that for her as much as you’re able right now. When you talk to her, tell her how much you miss her and how it hurts to be without her, but also tell her you’re going to continue on and be happy because it’s what she would want for you.
Many of us understand what you’re going through and can tell you that it truly does get easier with time. But do keep in mind, grieving is so hard because we love so deeply. I don’t believe any of us would choose not to love in order to avoid the inevitable pain of grief - so here we are.
I’ve added you to the top of my prayer list and will be in prayer for you.
Lord, comfort our friend with Your peace and wrap her in Your tender love. Heal her broken heart so that she can be joyful in the memories of the mother You blessed her with. Thank You for Your amazing grace and Your everlasting mercy. Amen.
I join in earnest prayer for you, dear marthemaria!
Reading your heartbroken, desperate plea for your Mom makes me miss my own, and she is alive and well in the same city. I’d be lost without her, so I understand at least somewhat that it’s unbearably painful for you.
I don’t know if you are Jewish, probably not. But in our tradition it helps to know that there are various times for phases of mourning. You are still in one phase that lasts about 30 days, where you are outwardly engaged again with the world, but just barely. You should not be expected to perform anything but the basic tasks of your life. The rest of the time, you are doing what one does: MOURNING. or distracting yourself sometimes.
They say if you give yourself over to your feelings, you come healthier and fuller to the other side of your grief. Those who do not express their pain as you do so freely end up hurting longer and deeper thereafter.
There WILL come a morning when you wake and smile and think of her with not one tear. This is not now. But know that one day it will be OK again.
G-d bless. May He who comforts all mourners comfort you now in His arms.
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