Posted on 01/08/2006 4:15:59 AM PST by ScubieNuc
Midlife Conundrum
How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?
I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.
Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.
Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.
I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!
Suck it up, count your blessings, and know that millions of men are going through the same thing. I've known a few guys who divorced and said it was a really stupid thing to do, really f**king up their finances and retirement hopes among other things.
Based on the kids issue and lack of resources, I suggest that you start a program at your church where the kids have an activity night (two nights a month) and several parents take turns chaperoning the event allowing other couples to have date night. If your church has a lot of couples with small kids, you may have enough people to have this every Friday night, which would be great!
Had that sort of thing at a church I used to attend and it worked great. It is similar to "mothers' morning out." It takes a commitment from all involved. If there are other couples in your church who have trouble getting a sitter, then I would think they would welcome a chance to swap out baby-sitting duties enabling them to have a date night. If your church has a gym or "family life" center, that is even better because the children can run and expend some energy.
Activities for the kids- that is a whole other thread.
During the summer, you can make use of the parking lot with bicycle obstacle courses, roller-blading, horse-shoe tossing, etc. Grill hamburgers and hot-dogs. You want to get the kids good and TIRED while parents are out so that the kids will be tired and ready to SLEEP when the parents pick them up to go home.
My husband bought himself a 1981 Delorean. He loves it. Man does he get lookos driving around town.
I was thinking about your response.
I think the thing(s) that have caused us to stop thinking about who each other is, is we are both busy with so many other important things. All three kids have extra ciricular activities, I have Boy Scouts, Church, and work (shift work/OT schedules) commitments, she (my wife) has school, driving kids, and regular house duties to do.
I think that both of us have become so busy with life that our interest in each other has taken a back seat.
The problem I see is elliminating these activities. Aside from Boy Scouts (which I think teaches the boys alot), I think all these activities are needed. As far as Boy Scouts goes, if I wasn't involved, I would miss out on some fun times with my boys.
We are definately not the most overworked parents around, I just think that at this point in our family, we are busy with the normal things a good parent does.
Your advice to rediscover who she is, is good advise. Thank you.
Dying, not dieing.
If it's important to you, you'll find ways to get it done. If it's not, you'll continue to find excuses why it can't.
Have you considered the fact you are suffering mild depression? I'd see a doctor before you do anything too drastic. Whatever you do, don't give in to the urge to look outside your marriage. I don't know anyone who has cured the mid-life crisis that way.
Yeppers,
This is where the rubber meets the road. If you want to fix your marriage, you fix it....whatever it takes.
If you don't want to, then you'll find every reason you can not to fix it.
It may be useful to know that the twenty year time frame is commonly a bad period for marriages. There is a statistical spike in divorces around 18-22 years, after many years of low-risk. So, you are not alone.
The other thing to know about this is that after weathering this rough patch, most marriages become more rewarding, closer, and more satisfying. So I would encourage patience, with yourself as well as her, try some of the things others have suggested while using your own judgment and knowledge of her, and find things each day for which to feel grateful. It sounds like you have a lot.
Call the local high school and ask that they put your name in the counseling/office area as looking for a babysitter.
Put up a card at church advertising you need a babysitter.
Yes, you have to pay a sitter vs taking the kids to an adult friend/relative but if it saves your marriage it's money well spent and a lot less expensive than a divorce.
How old are your children? Are they old enough to leave for an hour? And where in MN are you? I'm in the West Metro. My daughter does a lot of babysitting. Yes, she charges a lot but she drives to the person's house and they get someone reliable. I'd think there are some college aged young people in your area you could hook up with through your church that could use some spending money too.
Buy your wife a practical gift. A warm but pretty coat and boots, warm gloves, a hat and take her for a walk after dark. Not a power walk. Not a let's go get some exercise walk. Just a walk to walk and hold hands. And give it to her just to give it to her. Not for Valentines Day or a Birthday. Tell her you just want to spend some alone time with her. And when you get back from the walk help her take the boots off and hang up her coat for her. Small acts of love and consideration go miles with us women.
Go to Victoria's Secret and buy her some warm flannel or cotton pajamas. The kind that button down the front of the top. They don't scream sex but they'll feel a lot more sexy to her than Target/Walmart pajamas. And she'll know you cared enough to go do it. If you aren't close to a store they offer a good online service.
Bring home a bottle of wine, a candle, and a good romantic adventure movie. A movie doesn't have to be sappy to be romantic and that way you can both be entertained. Speed, True Lies, etc. Something you can both enjoy.
Don't expect her to change overnight. It took her 18 years to get to this point where she feels unattractive and lacks self-confidence. And ask yourself some hard questions about what you may have done to help make her feel that way and what you intend to do to help make that change.
Finally, without sounding offensive here, you've come up with a lot of excuses as to why you haven't done things or can't do things or aren't able to do things to help this situation change. You'd probably best have a heart to heart with yourself and ask if you really want to fix this or not. You seem to have met a couple of other people that interest you. There's nothing like fresh blood to make the same old - same old seem a lot less attractive. I've rarely met a man or a woman who is contemplating ending an otherwise good marriage who doesn't have someone new waiting in the wings, at least in their head.
Sounds to me like you need a hiatus from the internet. This place is great and all...but get outside and do something fun.
Pack a picnic lunch and go to the park, with her.
Also, you might want to tell her, [I wouldn't say 'lay down the law'] about her friends. It sounds like you have your world and she has hers...
Her divorced friends are definately a negative influence on her. Tell her that and tell her that you don't like her friends.
Essentially at least one thing thats going on is her friends are interfering in your relationship. Tell her you feel that way and don't like it.
It should start a good conversation about why you two should be on the level with each other first and not rely on outside stuff or people to get in between you.
I would say pick up and move...to American Samoa or Hawaii for a year and DON'T get the internet.
It will force both of you to rely on each other a lot more than now....and plus it will be a blast. You will have the time of your life exploring the islands etc etc.
There's a reason they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, before you put them on the kids...
I think he was spot on in both cases :o)
Regarding moving to Hawaii or American Samoa for a year....take the kids with you... it will be the best thing in the world for them.
Extremely educational at the very least.
Odds are they will love it.
Your instincts are better than most in this regard. :~D
Good job
I picked up on this one by post #37 :o)
BTW I am always better at analyzing other peoples stuff than I am my own...Maybe its like Dr. Ruth...she's an expert in sex but probably never got..
I don't know that I would get into a weekly routine of buying flowers because part of the problem you're (and probably your wife too) are experiencing is a glut of routine. Your wife may not have reached a point and she may not ever reach a point where the routine is stifling. She may find great comfort and safety in routine. I do to a certain extent. I also crossed a point in my mid-40's of "Is this all there is to life?"
I didn't want a divorce. I didn't want any great upheavals in my life. I wanted something to look forward to. Something that was fun, exciting and not routine.
We never really discussed the problem except in a kind of general way. One day we were sitting at one of the places we always went to eat a hamburger at and we decided there must be a better hamburger out there somewhere even though we liked the place we were eating at. Thus was born our greatest hamburger hunt. We didn't go out every week looking for the best hamburger and sometimes our hunt took us to restaurants which served food we might never have eaten or places we might never have gone to. Our greatest hamburger hunt might take us to a new mexican food restaurant someone else had raved about. It might take us to a hole in the wall 50 miles away and we might do a little exploring of the little town while we were there to eat at the hole in the wall.
Then there were the "Tuesday" presents. Little gifts given just because and not on a holiday. And they were little things that you know in your gut the other person is going to appreciate, not because they're expensive (though one or two were) but because it showed the receiver they were really understood and known and thought about. Of course these little gifts required you keep your eyes open and that you really know your spouse. One time one of the "Tuesday" presents my husband gave me was a little statue of two cats playing. The cats looked exactly like the two we had at home. He happened to see it at the drugstore one day when he was picking up one of his prescriptions. He bought it, wrapped it and bought a card to go with it. He waited to give it to me though until one day when I'd had a really rough day at the office and he gave it to me in bed right before we were going to go to sleep. Oh, and there weren't any strings attached because he knew I was worn out from the day at the office. Once in awhile it might be flowers, one time it was a gold bracelet. I did the same for him. One time I gave him a new reel, another time I went back and bought a hand made pocket knife he'd seen and liked. Another time we had been in the bookstore and had seen where an author we both liked had a new hard back out. We never bought hardbacks, we'd always wait til they came out in paperback. I surprised him one day a couple of weeks later with the hardback. These were random so it never became a part of the routine. They were appreciated because the feeling of being surprised with something specifically for you would evoke a feeling of being cared about months later.
Plan a vacation trip to somewhere you both would like to go. We both liked Colorado so we'd plan our route and we'd decide on a couple of things we both wanted to see or do. But our trips were always unstructured and the route was subject to adjustments once we were on our way. One year we had planned on staying in Santa Fe for a night but I had been in Taos, NM once and wanted to share it with hubby so we adjusted our route and stayed in Taos for a night. We explored the galleries, ate a great meal and were treated to a beautiful thunderstorm in the mountains that night.
These are just some suggestions we used to break up the monotony of our routine.
As far as the sex goes I'd suggest maybe some counseling. Be careful though because the last thing you want to do is to have her feel even more self conscious because she isn't "performing" the way she thinks you want her to.
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