Title? I Have no Idea What to Call this..

Just Me - Everday ^ | 5-17-2005 | Just Kimberly

[Just Kimberly]

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 Title? I don't have a clue what to call this.... As I sit here tonight, once again unable to sleep for actually the first time in a while - a million thoughts are rushing through my mind. Tomorrow, at 9:00 a.m. Eastern Time,(ughhhhh...it's tomorrow already...) the Home I knew and loved will be sold at auction. No more appeals. Nothing I can do. The end of the rope has finally come and the knot has slipped out.

A few days ago, I wrote about the way I was feeling and how I knew God would get me through this. I know He had plans for me, and this was part of it. I have always believed God is the good that comes from the bad. But nothing can really prepare you for the reality. Nothing can prepare you for that exact moment in time when your entire world changes - and you know there is no turning back.

As I sit here, I wonder if this is what it is like knowing you are dying of cancer. My step-mother passed away in 1997, the year my life took a wrong turn, heading me down this path which will end tomorrow. Rita was barely 40 something, and the kindess, sweetest spirit I had ever known. She was the glue that kept my father with me - when she left - just as when he divorced my mother - he left again, too. That part I have gotten over. But I wonder how she felt mentally when she knew the end was near. I know she was scared. I went to see her everyday on my lunch break, and right after work - as she was in the Hospice Unit next door to my office building. The last time she spoke to me was a Friday night in February, and she told me she loved me. The next morning, as I was getting ready to go back to the hospital, the phone call came.

It's funny how the nurse phrase things when calling to tell you a loved one has died. "Ms. Coleman?" "Yes." "Your step-mother has passed." " What? , Uh...thank you. I'll be right there." Utter silence for several minutes. Soon finding myself unable to breath. I ran up the stairs to my bedroom in the warm Farm house, digging for clothes, then headed to the shower. I could hardly breath through the tears that kept streamiong down my face.

But you know what I was thinking? 'Rita is finally out of pain, no more needles, catheters, poking, prodding - only peace. But....I am going to lose him again.' My father is one of those who should never have been allowed to have children. I got married the next weekend, and so that saga began. But as for Rick, he stuck around in my life, and actually attempted to get to know his grandchildren - until he met the next love of his life. Then he was gone again. Nowadays, when he comes in town, he doesn't bother to call, and has no relationship with the kids at all. My oldest has been so hurt by him he cannot speak his name. But, life does go on.

My mother is another one for the books. She too, should never have been allowed to have children - for as I sit here - dying inside because my home is gone, bankruptcy is imminent, and divorce will more than likely follow - she is angry because I didn't call her on Mother's Day. Sorry, mom. I was attempting to continue breathing in and out - preparing for what seems to be my last day alive.

I do not mean to make light of death. But one thing everyone should think about - situations effect people differently.

Some can move right on, never miss a beat, and continue in routine to find normalcy again. Others, like me, need time to grieve and mourn their losses. Since 1994 I have lost three grandparents, a step-mother, several uncles, my home, my job, my credit, and my faith in my husband. My mother has moved from 4 hours away to almost 18 hours away. My biological father has moved to more than 24 hours away.

On this night before the only safe place I have ever known in this world is taken from me - I feel more like an orphan than I have ever felt.

I understand we all have our crosses to carry. I have been carrying mine since the day I was born. An only child, I spent the majority of my childhood alone, and craved attention. I suppose that is why I married at 17. I wanted love so badly. When I didn't get it from the first time around ( only anger abounded), I went searching for another. No luck there, either. From the frying pan into the fire. Feels more like a Volcano.

I look at my children, and know they truly are all I have in this earthly realm. And soon, they too, will be gone - as that is what children are supposed to do. Grow up with healthy self-esteem, become educated, and leave the nest like a baby bird - flying for the rest of his life. Soimehow - they are healthy, and wise, and loving and caring. I managed to break the cycle. Praise God. 'Mommy Faces' really do work, afterall.

I went to church tonight. There was a meeting for new members - a way for us to become connected and involved with our new Church home. So many different people there. So many walks of life. And I wondered as I listened to everyone introduce themselves - what was the TRUE pain that brought them there? One does not attend a class to become more involved in the Church unless they NEED Christ like they have never needed Him before.

When it came my turn, I wanted so badly to stand up and say, 'well, tomorrow my home is being taken away, I am living with my 'husband' in his mother's house, and I have only the love of Christ and my children to give me strength to live'. Boy - what a room silencer that would have been! Luckily - I am older now, and know when to speak and when not too. I did relate my house is divided, as my husband is not a Christian, and that I know the Lord has brought me to this Church for a reason. His plan is unfolding slowly, and I do wonder what He has in store. Even knowing that, it doesn't keep me from wanting to lament my problems to everyone I see. But I do not. When you are suffering, you are to put on festive clothing and a smile. It is not to be a public specticle. Jesus said so.

If I finally fall alseep tonight - when I awake, I will take my child to school, come back to this house and let the dogs out - and try not to watch the clock. I wonder if anyone will call to see how I am doing? Doubtful. What do you say to someone whose home was taken away due to finacial stupidity and trust which had no foundation? 'Sorry, but you knew better'? ' Sorry, but you should have gotten out a long time ago'? Usually, it is better to just NOT make the call, and wait a few days. Then it goes something like, 'Oh yeah, I forgot. So sorry. How are you?'

Why ask me now when I needed you days ago? Please do not pretend to care, when you only are truly concerned about yourself and the bubble you live in .

I learned something about myself tonight. I am not one of those people. Through the pain and the hurt, and the wanting to swallow my bottle of valium and never wake up - I went to Church, introduced myself, and talked to women whom I had never met about THEIR problems. I spoke about my Fibromyalgia, and assured them - they too, could feel better and fix the depression, the pain, the sickness. Nutrition and Christ - that's the ticket. To look at me, they never guessed my world as I know it is ending tomorrow morning. No more hope, no more rope. Just another dream crushed, set ablaze, and left to smolder in the ashes of my life.

Yes, I do have Christ. But it is okay for me to grieve. And then - as the sermon from Sunday explained - I have to wake up, take stock of what I have left, and move on. What is left? Boxes of memories, pictures in my mind, and a road I will never be able to drive down again.

But stirring in my heart is a plan from Christ. I don't know what is coming, but Him - I know I can trust. I may be an orphan without a home on earth, but I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, knows my pain, and is right here beside me. He will carry me through.

And you know what? If I forget to talk to Him, He won't pout and push me away. He knows I need time. He will only welcome me back, and love me all the more. Amazing what God's love can do.

Now, if He can just wipe my memory clean of the past 20 years, start me from scratch, and take all this pain away - I'll be in business. Dreaming again I know.

Wow - what a testimony I am going to have when I finally have happiness again, and can smile without faking it. That is the day I am praying for. And in the meantime - Stop, Drop, and Praise. That is all I have left, and really, I guess - all I need.

Goodbye House,

Goodbye Dreams,

Goodbye sweet times in between.

Goodbye flowers I loved so dear,

Goodbye crickets I used to hear.

Goodbye to all the 'growing years',

To all the memories I hold dear.

Carrying Joshua up the stairs,

Holding Alex without a care.

Painting and plotting and loving it's charm,

Goodbye my sweet 'Breezy Hill Farm'.

God, I hope you have something really great in store for me - I have fallen from the end of that rope. Just Me.

[Just Kimberly]

Just needed to get this out. I have found there are usually many people going through the exact same thing at the exact same time - and if we only knew about each other - we could find strength together. God Bless us All. JK

[Darkwolf]

I'm a godless agnostic but I hope you will have the ability, at some point, to step back and see that everything in life evolves from everything that came before it. Life is an ongoing process--you aren't "stalled" or in the hole. Your life is simply going through a particularly violent upheaval.

Consider your faith; does it teach you that God has allowed a LOT of His followers to endure horrific trials before getting somewhere else?

Like the line goes, "We must drink bitter waters before we taste the sweet," loosely speaking. The good times are that much better for the bad stuff we had to go through to get there.

I'm not going to go point-by-point through your dire predictions because you can't predict the future and neither can I. You can only live a day at a time. So don't think you have to endure all these things tomorrow--you don't. You have to get through a tough day. You will. Be present in the moment--with your kids, your mom, husband. Don't predict these disasters because that's the surest way to guarantee they happen. Just wake up and deal with tomorrow as it comes--there's plenty of misery to happen that we don't have to endure thinking about it before it actually happens. Just deal with it all as it comes.

Good luck with tomorrow, and the day after that, etc. But just deal with it as it comes, one day at a time, not all at once.

[The Spirit Of Allegiance]

A Psalm of Life
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

'Life that shall send
A challenge to its end,
And when it comes,
say, 'Welcome, friend.''

WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN SAID TO THE PSALMIST



I
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

II
Life is real! life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal:
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

III
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destin'd end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

IV
Art is long, and time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

V
In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

VI
Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'er head!

VII
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.

VIII
Footprints that, perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwreck'd brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

IX
Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

[Jaysun]

An Ode to My Abode?

Sorry to hear of your misfortunes.

[oceanperch]

Prayers for you and your contunued journey......

May the Love you have for Christ and the Love he has for you be your strength.

[Talking_Mouse]

I wish I had the right words to say to help take your pain, but I only have my good wishes for you and your children. I know, and intellectually you know, that God has much better in store for you. However, it hurts NOW. I know that.

I admire the way you are practicing your faith. You have done what is right by going to Church last night. At Church you gave comfort instead of seeking it. May the Father who see what is in secret reward you openly.

This board isn't big on hugs but {{{{{{Just Kimberly}}}}}}

[bad company]

I've been through these kinds of times. It's meaningless now, but those times make the good times much sweeter.

You do have an opportunity before you now. You get to take inventory of the things and people in your life and decide what it important and what is not important. I kind of wish I had made a list when I was in your shoes. That list is important.

Keep your sense of humor about you. "The light at the end of the tunnel isn't always a train" is one line that kept me plugging through.

Holler if you need anything.

[derllak]

JK, you sound like such a sweet person and I'm just heartbroken for you. I wish I had I knew just what to say
to make you feel better, but I know this will be a process for you. It will take time but I see a strong person in you and
I know good things will come to you if you are patient and allow yourself to heal. I'll be praying for you, sweetheart!
God bless you and keep you in his loving arms.

[gulfcoast6]

My dear friend, my heart goes out to you and no, I can't comprehend what you are going thru but I know it is hard. You stand tall, and may I suggest you trust in the Lord to provide.

Good luck to you and your family, stand tall.

[Zacs Mom]

JK ~ My heart goes out to you as you and your loved ones struggle thru this difficult time. While my story differs, I have more than a passing understanding of what you face today.

This isn't much but I would like to offer a small and, hopefully, helpful life lesson I've learned to trust. I think perhaps that this little story might be a good lead-in to this lesson:

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly, that he brought home.

One day a small opening appeared in the cocoon. He sat and watched the coccon for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if the butterfly had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. The man decided to help the butterfly in it's struggle. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon...

and the butterfly emerged easily.

As the butterfly emerged, the man was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body which would contract and the butterfly would be able to fly.

But neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle were required for the butterfly to be able to fly. The butterfly must push it's way through the tiny opening to force the fluid from its body and wings.

Only by struggling through the opening, can the butterfly's wings be ready for flight once it emerges from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us.
We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

And we could never fly.

JK ~ as you struggle thru this day and all that it brings, I hope you will find strength from these words and hang on to this one thought ~ this life lesson I've come to know, no matter what, is true:

[Just Kimberly]

I am overwhelmed by the kindness from you all. Last night (this morning) as I was typing, I never imagined to be comforted in such a way.

From today forward, the road will be rocky - but I do know I am not suffering in vain. There is a reason for this. In His time, will The Lord reveal it to me.

I think one of those reasons is happening right now. The love among you guys - total strangers from the world, but great friends within our FReeper Haven - pouring onto my broken heart, for all the world to see. How much better would our world be if we could all comfort one another in this way each day?

I cannot thank you enough. May God Bless you all. JK

[trussell]

Prayer ping.

Please post your replies to Just Kimberly

Just Kimberly, My prayers go up for you Kimberly. God's comfort hold you. I'm so sorry that you are going through so many hard times.

bad company - thank you for the ping.

Blessings,
trussell

If you want on/off my prayer ping list, please let me know. All requests happily honored.

[Jet Jaguar]

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Know that.

[billbears]

I don't have the words but you have your faith in the right place. God will guide you through this and He will provide for you. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Mrs.Nooseman]

Good Morning Kim!

My prayers for you have continued and will continue always!

I hope the prayers will help you to get through this day!

HUGS

[r9etb]

St. Peter puts this in perspective:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11)

God bless you, Kimberly.

[Dubya]

Praying for you. May God bless you and help you.

[EternalVigilance]

Home

A plot of earth to call our own
Where we can know each tree and stone

A warm, safe place to lay our head
Our spirit, soul and body fed

Our loved ones 'round without a care
How many times our hearts turn there

But first a lesson we must learn
That in this world we all sojourn
Our lands are taken, houses burn
Our children grow, the pages turn

But, when this life on earth is through
We'll see God's plan in every hue
All things remade, created new

Then we'll be home where we belong
No sin, no tears, it won't be long
So bear your cross, my friend, be strong

He goes with you along the way
So like a little child pray
And simply trust the Lord today

EV

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Kim- I cried reading your post here. Please remember that everyone has times when they think their world is upside down- and the days seem foggy-and everything is a terrible effort. My experience is that life is ebb and flow. You should "high tide" again soon. Until then try to see if you can turn your situation around and make it work for you.

Such as surrounding yourself with your children- you have a new adventure ahead of you and things you can teach them about life right now. For they too will need to know how to handle life's adversities.

when you have scaled everything down- you will now find what makes life truly joyful-the memories you have of your children go with you- they are in your heart- not set in a brick and mortar building. Those memories are not going anywhere- unless you forget the joy they gave you.

Here is a poem which I have carried around with me thru-out my life, I hope it gives you peace.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Prayers for your peace of body and soul, Just.