Posted on 12/10/2004 6:11:06 PM PST by 6ppc
My daughter will turn 21 next week. She is living at home and working.
Two days ago she informed us she had met a man online who lives in the UK and they had developed a serious relationship. He was planning to come to visit and she was informing us and asking if we would agree to meet him. This man is of Indian nationality and is a muslim in school in England. His parents have been living in Saudi Arabia for over 20 years.
We told her this was dangerous and a very bad idea. I tried to convince her to give the idea up and she said she would think about it.
Tonight we found out she is has come up with a plan to go to England and marry him. She says she is of legal age, has thought it through and is determined to do this.
I've now changed tactics and am working on getting him to come over here. I talked to him on the phone tonight and told him that I was unwilling to consider this unless he moved to the US and got a job here.
My daughter has only had one boyfriend in her life and is very much a loner. She has few friends and never goes out, so I'm sure this is a reaction to being lonely.
I need to do some quick intervention and stop this. I need advice.
1) Since she is over 18 (21 next week) is there any kind of legal action I can take to prevent her from leaving the country?
2) How can I do a background check on this guy?
This is my worst nightmare and I don't know what to do.
I like the idea and am thinking about it...not sure it will work...part of his story is that his parents tried to arrange a marriage for him to a distant cousin and he refused so she may not buy that argument.
A friend of the family had this happen she moved to the middle east and the rest is a very sad story... They will be sweet as pie here. But when the get back home it is bad bad bad...
Our relationship has always been good, but she doesn't always tell me what she is thinking or what she is up to. As to our blessing, she is being defiant so that isn't working.
"I met my husband online"
You wouldn't be the only one! We've had some freepers here find love in this "conservative tunnel of online love"! In someways, it's more revealing to talk to someone online, because that way you know it's not really about how they look.
OTOH, that way you don't know anything about anything BUT their beautiful mind... nevermind habits, tempers, or personal hygiene.
But I've met some folks who really met some wonderful people online, and they've made it work out great!
If push comes to shove and she is about to go to the UK, go with her and meet the guy.
Good reply, Gun. I would do absolutely EVERYTHING you mentionned.
Let her FReep mail me and I'll tell her first hand how I personally saw women and children beaten, kicked and yelled at in the middle east. Tell her if she feels bad now it's just emotional pain ...... later it'll be physical pain or worse. Ask the local PD about this guy and ask if they can connect you with the british police to see if he's wanted or has a history of such baiting of western women.....
If he all the sudden doesn't want to come to America and meet your daughters family then she should be concerned as well. Why can't he come to America if he truly loves her....
When and if he shows up take lots of photos and videos, I'd even go as far as bringing in a private detective to print the guy via glasses he drinks from and collect DNA from his hairbrush, toothbrush and shaving razor if it looks like she's gonna leave with him........if all goes south later you'll need em. Money well spent IMO.
I would wish as well as I'm sure would you that they are happy and live a good life ...all the better.......But history, facts and recent scams suggest the potential for trouble is high....very high !
Prayers for all to turn out OK for you and your daughter....
NO! Everything she does should be behind the scenes ie) FBI, police, etc. etc.
If her daughter thinks she's in love, she will do anything to be with this guy......ESPECIALLY if mommy and daddy dissaprove. Of course, LATER she would come to her senses......but that may be too late.
I would try to find out what she is thinking.... Your goal here is for her think your opinions are informed and wiser than her own.
But she'll not think that if you are offering opinions, controls and demands before you really do know better.
I'm one of them.... My husband and I met here. :~D
I'm sorry to give this advice, but if she is determined to go ahead with her plans to marry this guy, tell her that you will disown her.
___________________________________________________________
No offense, here, but this is what I told my father when he told me I'd better not bring home anyone he considered "undesirable.".....
You'd rather hate someone you don't know more than you love your own daughter?
That being said, I wasn't talking about a Muslim, but a black guy. (I have since married a Native American, something else he wasn't too thrilled with). There is a big difference, of course, but keep in mind that disowning a child over something like that would be a decision many would come to regret. What if she did get into trouble later? Would she then feel like she could come to you for help? Would you turn your child away?
I wish I had some advice for the dad in question, but the only thing I could say is to keep a close eye on the situation, and be sure to be there for his daughter. Odds are the relationship will come to little if he doesn't try to force anything.
There is no one more outspoken than I, and quick with wit and temper but it falls on me to accept what I cannot change.
I'm afraid to love so hard because it might cost me her love, yet you face a bigger problem. I wish you the best, Ken.
Yank her passport if she has one.
Call your two senators. They're both good guys.
By any means necessary, TRY to keep her in Alabama.
I also suggest you ask her if she is willing to
be evaluated by a board certified psychiatrist.
She sounds depressed to me... but I am only a
psychiatrist's wife.
Really -- if she has a baby with this guy, she will have NO RIGHTS AT ALL to her child. She will need her husband's permission to breathe in Saudi Arabia.
I was married to a foreigner (though a Western European), and though I know no young fool in love would EVER listen, I would advise people to not marry from outside your country. Someone in the marriage has to leave everything. It's one strike against the marriage, and she has several more: too young, different religions, and not enough time dating him in the flesh (should be for many months if not a year or two).
If you make an enemy of her, she will want that forbidden fruit even more. It will be counterproductive. What about outright bribery: get him a job, ask them to date chastely for 6 months while he is here, and then if they decide to marry and STAY HERE, you guys will buy them a house (or something big).
It's a hard line for me. I have been a daughter also, an adult, in a relationship with someone my father did not like. It wasn't race or religion, but poor behavior on my boyfriend's part that caused it. I hid the relationship from my dad precisely because I believed he ~would~ disown me and that idea was intolerable. I didn't agree with him, but I could not bear to lose my family either. In the long run, the relationship was doomed because I would never have gone against my father to the point of marriage.
So I don't know.... I recoiled at that poster's advice too, but being ~too~ understanding will ensure the relationship happens. Of course, shutting her out might also ensure the relationship happens. It really is out of his direct control if his feelings don't matter to her.... All he can control is whether she continues to have and want contact with her dad.
I am praying for you to have wisdom and for your daughter that she would understand the situation.
"You'd rather hate someone you don't know more than you love your own daughter?"
Are you referring to your father with the above?
If so, are you saying that you were going to surprise your father? Did he know whom you were bringing home? If in the affirmative, then your father was right to request not to bring him home. He was un undesirable. As long as you live in your father's house, you must respect his wishes always. I'm a firm believer in that.
Whaaa? How GENEROUS of him! He is willing to provide a NAME at some future point, but right now he wants your daughter!!!
Why isn't he dating the British women??? Not submissive enough???
>>>If you make an enemy of her, she will want that forbidden fruit even more. It will be counterproductive. What about outright bribery: get him a job, ask them to date chastely for 6 months while he is here, and then if they decide to marry and STAY HERE, you guys will buy them a house (or something big).
I understand the counterproductive of my 'imprisoning' suggestions (removal of computer, wireless, cards, etc)
The try not to become the 'enemy' part I reserve for a 'not preferred boyfriend' from the USA on domestic soil.
This guy has her entraced. She will do anything he asks at this point and he will do it in a martyrish, feel sorry for me, I'm really trying, I need help sort of way.
He has no intention of coming to the USA. He is luring her overseas.
Communications must be stopped and the Gunrunner2's ideas, http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/1298992/posts?page=18#18 , have to be put in place STAT.
She leaves the country, she isn't coming back.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.