The New Name for Patriot is "Goon"...

The Kerry Fairy ^ | 08/03/04 | dandelion

[dandelion]

Let me be among the first to call George Washington a goon - indeed Ben Franklin, Thomas Paine, and Samuel Adams were all celebrated goons of their time. Truly, their goonyism is an inspiration to all Americans. Let us also name the other goons who have made America great - the goons of yesteryear like Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower and John F. Kennedy. They were dedicated goons, one and all...

And thanks to John Kerry, we can call every great American a goon! No, no, it's true - the new name for "patriot" is "goon". Let's break this down by logic:

First, we'll revel in the memory of Kerry's Convention Speech, thanks to the magic of Kerry's official transcript...

"And tonight, we have an important message for those who question the patriotism of Americans who offer a better direction for our country. Before wrapping themselves in the flag and shutting their eyes and ears to the truth, they should remember what America is really all about. They should remember the great idea of freedom for which so many have given their lives. Our purpose now is to reclaim democracy itself. We are here to affirm that when Americans stand up and speak their minds and say America can do better, that is not a challenge to patriotism; it is the heart and soul of patriotism."

So, A) Protesters are patriots.

Secondly, we'll revisit a little incident which occured earlier yesterday as recorded by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal...

"The high-stakes intensity of the campaign could also be seen Monday in noisy confrontations between Kerry and Bush supporters and the use of bullhorns and air horns by a small group of Bush supporters to try to disrupt the speeches"...

So, B) Bush supporters protested Kerry's visit, so they are protesters.

Thirdly, we shall delve into new name change according to Kerry, as per where we left off in the aforementioned article...

..."prompting Kerry and his wife to respond to what the candidate termed "goons."

While she was introducing her husband, Teresa Heinz Kerry referred to the group's audible call for "Four more years."

Said Heinz Kerry, "They want four more years of hell."

The Kerry crowd followed with chants of "Three more months."

Kerry also responded to the pro-Bush chanters, saying they wanted to "drown people out" with their megaphones.

"We don't want to be drowned out," Kerry said. "I want to thank George Bush for sending the goons here tonight to excite us to do a little more work! Thank you!"

So, C)Protesters are goons.

Let's review, shall we? The logic is elegant, and irrefutable:

A)Protesters are patriots
B) Bush supporters protested Kerry's visit, so they are protesters
AND
C)Protesters are goons.

And there you have it! Protesters are patriots, Bush supporters are protesters, so they are patriots; and lastly, protesters are "goons". Therefore, protester = patriot = goon.

Hurray for the new Kerry-speak! And surely he meant it this way, for his greatest impact in the political arena came not as a "war hero", or as a senator, but as an anti-war protester. So, according to Kerry himself, that makes him the greatest goon of all time...

[dandelion]

Next: we examine whether "hell" can be used as a substitute for the word "the presidency" - thereby allowing ordinary citizens the chance to tell John Kerry "see you in hell"...

[Wonderama]

After that, let's see if "shove it" actually means, "go back to your mansions, you Whiskey-swilling heiress".

Also, let's explore whether Mrs. Kerry can really "speak her mind", if in fact she has no mind to speak of!

[dandelion]

the possibilities are endless...