Sex Tips From Rummy

Esquire ^ | June, 2002 | Stephen Sherrill

[LisaFab]

Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld

By Stephen Sherrill

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My friend told me you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Is that true? —Diane Macdonald, Sioux City, Iowa

Secretary Rumsfeld: There is an awful lot of misinformation out there. Diane, the reality is that you can get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Are hot tubs fun? Yes. Do hot tubs make you want to have sex? You bet. But anybody who believes that you can't get pregnant is simply uninformed, misinformed, or poorly informed, and does not belong in a hot tub.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband and I have an active love life, and I'm generally satisfied, but sometimes I'd like him to go "down there." —Kate Waterman, Enid, Oklahoma

Secretary Rumsfeld: Down where? I'm here to answer legitimate questions about sex in a frank and candid way, but I'm not doing this just to waste my time. Do you mean your belly button? Your knees? Your toes? Boca Raton? Argentina?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it up? —Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California

Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? —Joel Brennan, Syracuse, New York

Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty. Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it is? —Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington

Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a threesome? —Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado

Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do, but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes, and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never hurts.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get pregnant? —Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio

Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last longer? —Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do—they ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be worried? —Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

[Gabz]

Now kindly put down the pool boys and get over here and read this article...

I resemble that remark!!!!

[ottersnot]

Is this a dignified piece for a man of Rummsfeld's stature? If this were about Clinton, you'd all be saying it's pathetic.
You realize of course this is satire....

[onedoug]

pung.

[Let's Roll]

It's funny because they have really captured Rummy's briefing "style". brief is not a pun

[William McKinley]

It is ONLY funny if you imagine him reading it.

And then it becomes absolutely hilarious lol

And then that first picture of him on this thread just is the perfect capper lol

[LisaFab]

Right. And I happened to find it during his briefing. Suffice to say as I am a slavish Rummy-chick, it was very difficult to concentrate on what he was actually saying after reading this.

[southern rock]

Is this a dignified piece for a man of Rummsfeld's stature?

5'9"?, 5'10"? I don't know???

[Hipixs]

Wanted to make sure you saw this. :)

Thanks. This item was posted on May 28,2002 under the title "Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld" in the General Interest forum.

[Howlin]

BAH.

[Darlin']

Y'all loosen up, please. I'm a Rumsfeld admirer but I do not find this in the least offensive. Clearly, the writer has watched the Secretary and has captured perfectly his style and wit. He wrote a creative, entertaining, satrical piece about a high profile, popular figure. IMHO, he sems to admire Rummy, as does most of the country, and did not intend to demean the man or his office.

[Howlin]

ROFL.

[LisaFab]

I did a search on 'sex' and 'Rumsfeld' and couldn't find it. Anyway thanks for the transcript of today's DoD briefing.

[Howlin]

Good grief......is it any wonder people think conservatives are anal retentive?

Great piece. I'm printing it off for my 81 year old MOTHER!

[Bella_Bru]

I copied and sent it in an email to a bunch of my friends and relatives.

[LisaFab]

LOL! I'm going to show it to a liberal friend of mine (yes, it's possible) who refers to me as "the Virgin Mary of the Right Wing"!

[Darlin']

I just emailed it to my teenage nieces, nephews and God children. We're all cradle conservatives and major Rumstud fans. LOL

[contessa machiaveli]

i see rummy as a take charge tiger in bed. delicious.

[realpatriot71]

Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty. Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

This one's my favorite . . . You know that's exactly how Rummy would run a sex advice column - no nonsense

[LisaFab]

Contessa please! You're killing me!