Sex Tips From Rummy

Esquire ^ | June, 2002 | Stephen Sherrill

[LisaFab]

Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld

By Stephen Sherrill

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My friend told me you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Is that true? —Diane Macdonald, Sioux City, Iowa

Secretary Rumsfeld: There is an awful lot of misinformation out there. Diane, the reality is that you can get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Are hot tubs fun? Yes. Do hot tubs make you want to have sex? You bet. But anybody who believes that you can't get pregnant is simply uninformed, misinformed, or poorly informed, and does not belong in a hot tub.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband and I have an active love life, and I'm generally satisfied, but sometimes I'd like him to go "down there." —Kate Waterman, Enid, Oklahoma

Secretary Rumsfeld: Down where? I'm here to answer legitimate questions about sex in a frank and candid way, but I'm not doing this just to waste my time. Do you mean your belly button? Your knees? Your toes? Boca Raton? Argentina?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it up? —Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California

Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? —Joel Brennan, Syracuse, New York

Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty. Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it is? —Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington

Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a threesome? —Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado

Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do, but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes, and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never hurts.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get pregnant? —Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio

Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last longer? —Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do—they ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be worried? —Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

[LowOiL]

Ok Ok, enought already, we get your point. Now get on with the rest of your life.

[X-Servative]

The decline of public standards continues it's downward slide toward Europe. So much for the "Shining City on the Hill."

[LisaFab]

Yes, that's what I thought. I wonder if he reads Esquire. (Doubt it.)

[LisaFab]

The decline of public standards continues it's downward slide toward Europe.

This coming from a fan of Saturday Night Live?

[Bella_Bru]

I bet Winthrop thought we'd all be Calivinists when he said. Here's a newsflash: we aren't.

[Desdemona]

I am not sure that the man who heads a department that refers to a nut as a "hexaform rotating compression unit" is quite the person who'd you turn to for that kind of advice.

Darn it, Ivan. You're turning me on. (and I haven't had any alcohol, yet)

[MadIvan]

Ivan, Ivan that is exactly the kind of 'dirty' talk we Rummy chicks would love to hear from the big guy!

Well perhaps the Defence Department should release the following album in time for Christmas as a stocking stuffer: "Donald Rumsfeld Reads Department of Defence Procurement Regulations". ;)

Regards, Ivan

[X-Servative]

Again you assume...I haven't watched it in years. But I did see the Jesse piece, as it has since been played elsewhere. That was good satire...this article is lazy satire.

[Gabz]

Now I've got to clean my monitor - AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Focault's Pendulum]

Yes, that's what I thought. I wonder if he reads Esquire. (Doubt it.)

Mebbe not...but since it's been posted here...I'm sure it will be called to his attention

[MadIvan]

Darn it, Ivan. You're turning me on. (and I haven't had any alcohol, yet)

I see. So perhaps the Department of Defence should release a version of "The Joy of Sex" then. And we can be treated to lilting prose such as:

"To achieve maximum temporary coital satisfaction status, the individual of the masculine gender should facilitate the compression sensitive female nodules in the following manner..."

I could read the rest, but I fear it gets too risque.

Regards, Ivan

[Desdemona]

The western world thanks you.

[LisaFab]

But I would hate to see Rummy host the show and you thought it would be funny. I think that would be demeaning to the office, but that's just MHO.

[BunnySlippers]

Wanted to make sure you saw this. :)

[MadIvan]

The western world thanks you

Indeed. My hero Calvin Coolidge would likely be rolling over in his grave.

Regards, Ivan

Calvin Coolidge: Remember gentlemen, above all things, be brief.

[Argh]

Most of you have been pinged here already. Now kindly put down the pool boys and get over here and read this article...

[Desdemona]

Calvin Coolidge: Remember gentlemen, above all things, be brief.

You would do this when I'm leaving to go to voice.

[MadIvan]

You would do this when I'm leaving to go to voice

You didn't post your schedule. ;)

Regards, Ivan

[Focault's Pendulum]

"To achieve maximum temporary coital satisfaction status, the individual of the masculine gender should facilitate the compression sensitive female nodules in the following manner..."

That's close to being Iambic Pantameter. Check you're geneology...perhaps you're related to the Bard some sixteen times removed.

Looking forward to seeing you in NY.

[TheGrimReaper]

Rummy BUMP!