[sleavelessinseattle]

I'm embarassed but I can only think of two family oriented jokes, but kids like them...

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!

What's green and flies over poland?
Peter Pansky...
Stopping

[riley1992]

Try Here

[Lady Jag]

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

[Andyman]

A baby mouse and a mother mouse are in a field at sunset. Suddenly, a bat flied overhead. The baby mouse turns to the mother mouse and says . . . "Look mommy, an angel!"

[Lady Jag]

The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[GenXFreedomFighter]

A woman comes home from the market to find her husband standing in the kitchen with a flyswatter at the ready. She asks him what he is doing.

He says, "There are an awful lot of flies in here and I've been swatting them."

The woman asks, "Have you killed any?" The husband replies, "Yup - three males and two females."

Surprised by his answer, the woman asks, "How do you which ones were male and which ones were female?"

The man replies, "Three were on a beer can and the other two were on the telephone."

[Tribune7]

The pig fell in the mud! Oh gosh, that's a dirty one.

[E Rocc]

Clean jokes?

Well, there's the one about the guy and the girl in the shower..... >:)=

-Eric

[Lil'freeper]

Catholic School Joke:

Two young troublemakers, best friends, were waiting outside the Headmaster's office. They had been in trouble so many times before that the frustrated Headmaster decided to try a counseling approach to the problem instead of the usual punishments.

He call in the first boy and said to him, "Son, where is God in your life?" The boy's face went white as a sheet. He stared at the floor nervously and said nothing. Finally, the Headmaster sent him out and called in the second boy.

As they passed in the foyer, the second boy saw the first boy's panicked expression and said "Oh my gosh! What did he say?"

The first boy said in a low voice, "We're in big, BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[lilylangtree]

What's black and blue and goes "ding dong"? Answer: A beat-up Avon lady

[Argh]

This one's been posted here in various forms several times.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping on the moors (probably still looking for the Hound of the Baskervilles). Holmes says, "Look up, Dr. Watson. What does that sight tell you?"

Watson looks at the stars in the night sky and says, "It speaks to me of the greatness of God and the glories of Creation, the Beauty of Nature, and the insignificance of Man. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Elementary my dear Watson. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"

( I've heard Holmes never said that "Elementary my dear Watson" thing to Watson in the books, but it was part of the joke).

Miss Chris, I apologize for bringing you to this clean place...

:^)

[dinasour]

Originally posted by FReeper gilor

 

The Atheist and the Bear

 

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing in. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

 

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

 

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

Even the river stopped moving.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, " It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

 

"Very well" said the voice.

 

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

 

...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke:

 

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful

 

 

[wyleman]

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtles back?
Weeeeeeee

[weikel]

There once was a man from Nantucket... wait you said clean.

[weikel]

Just quote some of the cleaner Monty Python stuff...

[falfa]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over andover.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heros.

[Rockitz]

My 4 yo nephew back in Indiana told me this one.

Q: What kind of shoes does a mouse wear?
A: Squeakers!

And his older sister told me this one.

Q: Why don't canibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.

[Txslady]

Subject: A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT.......... This was an email I got.. it is better when you tell someone to not open the picture before reading the joke. Anyhow.. here it goes… Make sure you read the story before you look at the photo. This is priceless. They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.. She wanted that...more than anything. Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......

Now isn’t that cute!

[Txslady]

Oops! I guess I didn't read the part about innuendos… I’m not doing too good here!

My apologies!