Posted on 09/12/2002 11:44:42 AM PDT by Pern
Don't you just hate it when the phone rings when you are on an important call or eating dinner -- and find its a telemarketer wanting to give you another credit card or sell you vinyl siding? Here is a couple of the tricks I use to get back at them:
My personal favorite has been to tell a female telemarketer “Thank you for calling. My wife and I have an appointment with a fertility doctor in about an hour and I need to bring in a semen sample. Problem is that I’m having a concentration problem. You know, you have a very, very sexy voice. Would you mind talking dirty to me for a little while?”
Here are a few others you can try:
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my job sucks, my wife and daughters are pregnant, my dog just died..."
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood? After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder…
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Keeper.
I've become a good identifier of accents.
Once I had a 15 minute conversation with a nice lady from Oklahoma who had much in common with me.
Telemarketer: Good afternoon. I would like to talk to you today about your long distance service.
ME: Oh--I'm sooo glad you called. My community theatre group is putting on a production of "Oklahoma!" and I need someone to listen to me sing the song ("Poor Jud is Dead") that I am going to do for the audition.
Telemarketer: [click]
He hung up pretty quick.
You could do that "grasp your cheek with thumb and forefinger" thing and make that sound similar to X42 tossing off into a sink.
They're a pain in the ass, I know, but remember, it's just some poor chump trying to make a living.
I did use to have a major problem though; my old phone number was one digit off from the local pizza shop. I was constantly getting calls for people trying to order pizza.
For awhile I just politely told them they called the wrong number, even gave them the right number.... till I just ran out of patience.
After that, I just started taking their orders, telling them "OK, 20 minutes" and letting them show up hungry at the pizza shop with the pizza guy not having a clue about their order.
I don't think you really need a book for that — just assume any salesman not salaried or hourly is out to screw you.
It works just as well (or better) than a snide quip, is probably faster in getting the person off the phone, and makes better karma.
I see no reason to be rude to total strangers who are just trying to make a living. Better that they're telemarketing than that they're panhandling.
He once had a call from a man selling burial plots. Willie thanked the man for calling and began telling him about how his life has been just going down the tubes. He lost his job, his wife left, his dog got hit by a car, his daughter was arrested for prostitution, the bank is foreclosing on his house, etc... He was losing the will to live and he was sitting on his couch with a .38 in his lap, praying to Jesus to tell him what to do, give him a sign, any sign... and this call was the sign! Willie thanked him again and told him that he now knew what he must do.
Well the poor salesman started trying to talk Willie out of taking his life while attempting to find out where he lived. Not getting too far, the salesman actually let Willie know that they DO take credit cards! I nearly drove off the road!
Willie ended the call slamming a book or something to simulate a gunshot and the last thing you heard was, "Sir?.....Sir?.......Oh, Sh!t...
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