Freeoples ....
Thread 306
Posted on 05/02/2002 8:03:52 PM PDT by Mo1
Freeoples ....
Thread 306
Nodding and looking at his watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When a wife really needed to talk to him during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and he'd jump out his window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into his car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, he could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as he returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave him a ticket, every smart-aleck answer he responded with would actually reduce his fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
Him: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Just my uninformed humble opinion.
Name: __________________________ Nickname: _____________________________
CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________
Address (RFD No.):_________________--_________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects): __________________________________
Mamma:_________________________
Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag ____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks ____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas ____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns ____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires ____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:____
BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too ____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit ____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny ____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle Association ____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit ____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins 3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf 5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
Favorite Vocalist:
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other
Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke
Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy
Weapons Owned:
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin ___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Swich
Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___John Deere ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Redman ___Kodiak ___N.R.A. ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________
Memberships:
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AAA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________ Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? ___Yes ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_____
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?_______
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?__________
Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________
Are you married to any of the following: ____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow
Do you know her name?________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?_________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________ If so, why?___________________________________________________________ C
an you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ To 21 with your fly up?_____________________
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?_______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following: ___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing
If your application is turned down by the state of Kentucky, you may be eligible in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, or Arkansas. Their standards are slightly lower, however, you will still be able to visit Kentucky.
The deputy that was shot was from a different county, not Waco (county seat of McLennan County) -- it's an hour's drive from Waco at least.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and sh** No more pets in this heat!
July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my a**. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th: If another wise a** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer,so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug. 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. Maybe it will wash out that dead cat smell.
That does it, we're moving to Michigan for some peace and quiet.
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as corn flakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does the weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
He hadn't been there yet. I zinged pinged him to the thread...
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
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