Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Terriergal]

I wonder how many babies came of/could have come of those relationships that you will never know of. Of course, that's not your problem I guess. Gawl, I feel so sorry for your wife, even if she doesn't.

[jamz]

Guys that cheat on their wives are COWARDS!!! Too cowardly to respect an agreement/contract and then too cowardly to legally end the contract THEN go out and do whatever. My thing is...if you know a man that would cheat on his wife...why should YOU ever trust them?

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

You've noticed that too huh?!!

[shaggy eel]

,,, I don't know about "cowards". Not all men go out looking for an affair. Some of them keep thinking things will get better and keep putting the effort in. Things don't get better and two people start to grow apart - I'm not saying that's OK, simply it's the way it is. Then a third party happens along.

[Terriergal]

well glad to see you're not serious!!! whew. I had to leave the thread I got so mad. lol.

hubby Cyrano was still following it and pointed out you were goofing off. I am so relieved. I can't imagine the pressure of trying to be "good enough" to ensure someone wouldn't cheat. It's a losing battle. We're all going to sag and have times when we can't fulfill our mate.

[Terriergal]

This kind of topic is close to my heart because I value faithfulness and because I am myself someone who has struggled with myself breaking that vow (not physically but I most definitely consider it cheating as much as I would consider a meaningless one-nighter, which is much more *physcially* dangerous even if one thinks it involves less of their "heart" -- cheating). I can definitely see how it was not humorous. I was so upset I couldn't continue to read. My hubby directed me back here to read mackattack's recantation.

[Terriergal]

everyone who thinks cheating and fantasizing is a healthy option to get what you're not getting from your spouse should read "Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Purity One Victory at a Time" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoker. It includes women's points of view, and reading it from my point of view made me realize I can't do a lot of those things that women do like fantasizing and looking at other men who might fulfill my needs better by being a better companion, more romantic, etc...

Hubby bought it for himself and I read it too.

[Terriergal]

's ok. ;-)

[Terriergal]

It's hard to keep up with the thread being so long.. some are just tuning in and getting to your first posts I'm sure. {:-\ And once you're mad, if the one you're mad at stops fighting it's hard to know what to do with all that energy.

[Terriergal]

I wouldn't know . . . I've been married 27 years and have never cheated.

You are one cool guy!

[Terriergal]

I notice nowhere in the article does it say that any of those reasons make it OK to cheat, just explains some of the triggers.

[Barnacle]

I regret to say that many of my friends have divorced over the years. And, a couple more would welcome that fate. It's a sad commentary on our culture.

The guys I'm referring to have one thing in common. They feel neglected and diminished in their wife's (or former wife's) eyes.

Last week, there was an interesting interview on Christian radio of two lady authors of a book titled "Intimate Issues". They said in interviewing a thousand women, they discovered only one in ten understood the Biblical role of sex in marriage. They claimed that their book helped many to see the light and turn their marital lives around.

Amazon.com readers rate it with five stars. I think I'll at least mention it to the friends who are unhappily still together.

[discostu]

I think you missed the conversation that was in. It's one answer to the question of why Prince Charles would prefer Camilla Parker Bowles (pretty much the definition of ugly woman) over Princess Diana (arguably one of the most beautiful women ever known). Obviously I never met either woman, but if the interviews I've seen are any indication the personality matched the looks for both women. Self abuse seems to be a good explanation for this clearly insane choice on the part of Prince Charles.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I notice nowhere in the article does it say that any of those reasons make it OK to cheat, just explains some of the triggers.

It's never ok to cheat. If you are going to cheat you get a divorce first.

[Terriergal]

well I have a hard time when people classify others as "ugly" seriously. Some of the most beautiful people I know are very much undeservedly placed in that category.

I have a little blurb on my profile page that refers to "looks." I always get terribly nervous if say, someone wants to see my picture because once they do, they're very likely to put me in that category "ugly," just as I do in my own head. (But my dear sweet hubby will argue that I'm wrong bless his heart.)

[Terriergal]

I have no intention of having children.

Hopefully you've made that certain then. Like, surgically. Otherwise there are no guarantees.

[Terriergal]

Married couples have no reason to abandon their vows and every encouragement to sustain their families.

Except that they are inherently selfish human beings and must work to overcome that continually.

[marajade]

So women are supposed to just open up their legs anytime their husbands want them to? I wouldn't define that love by any sense of the word.