Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Agreed, sex is important.... but Sir, you are wrong, it doesn't ALWAYS cool down.... ask MY Marine!

[discostu]

But it doesn't matter what our instinct is. Civilization and society are the art of conquering our baser instincts. Our instincts don't include things like toilets and clothes either, but when we see naked people defacating in public we don't excuse the behavior as "merely following instinct". We have logic and reason and with those we can and regularly do conquer our instincts, but some people want the best of both worlds, they want the comfort of the stable relationship and the fun of the wild oats. If their partner is hep on this that's OK, every relationship makes it's own rules. But if you swore before God and witnesses to forsake all others then you should do it, if you couldn't then you shouldn't have (these are all hypothetical "you"s I don't like the depersonalized "a person").

[Double Tap]

PEOPLE, WE ARE KIDDING!!

About what?

[ValerieUSA]

OK, take a sample of women in their 20s and a sample of women in their 50s and photograph them and show them to a group of men. Which group do you think the men will find more attractive?

We're talking about REALLY shallow men here, aren't we? Men who value women only by appearance in one dimensional photographs. Whe wants one of those men anyway? I'm a three dimensional woman, and I want a three dimensional man.

[Exit148]

Why? Because some men have '-----' for brains.

Actually, I don't believe there's any 'one' answer. Cheating, straying, fooling around, lust, outright fornication for fornication's sake, one-night-stands, etc can be on one side. A true affair of the heart, for many reasons, can be on the other.

[ladyinred]

Why Do ^SOME Men Cheat on Their Wives? Because they're @$$holes who's packages should have been cut out with a rusty knife in the most painful way possible.

Ahh, I like your style CCC!

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

Actually, I'm female. And I'm very happy for you:)

[koba]

The title of the article was "Why do men cheat on their wives?" I tried to give one answer, based on what I have seen.

[Doctor Stochastic]

That's been proposed before. Other surveys say that men have about 10 partners and women about 3 so it still doesn't add up.

[Double Tap]

Agreed.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Sorry, Mam... lol (I didn't realize.....)

[StolarStorm]

Well things have to be in a holding pattern for now. There isn't anyone else to take care of her. Happiness is important... but I wouldn't really wouldn't be happy either way. Right or wrong, I'd be consumed by internalized guilt if I were to abandon here at this point. I'd feel less guilty cheating than I would putting her through a divorce after her ordeal. Who knows... maybe the extreme shock of her illness will change her for the good. Illness sometimes does that.

[discostu]

I do think it's harder for men to stay faithful than women, but not for reasons of instinct. It's for reasons of society. Western society is more forgiving of philandering men than women, this helps create a belief that even if he gets caught he's still get away with it. Fear of punishment is the last line of defense against immoral behavior (optimally you should never get to that point, but life is so rarely optimal), for men that line is thinner because the expected punishment earns less fear.

But as John Worfin said: character is who you are in the dark. Just gotta rise above it and stay faithful.

[koba]

OK, but at least some percentage of older men want one-dimensional women.

[StolarStorm]

Agreed. But sometimes some of us let our minds rule our instincts to such an extent that we make ourselves miserable.

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

I think women are unrealistic about men, and unless we are ready to be or become the best ever, and can also manage to hold a conversation, and appreciate men for the wonderful creatures they are, then they will be somewhere else with someone else whenever they can be unless they are fat and ugly and lucky to have anyone at all.

This has to be one of the most depressing posts I've read on FR. Speaking as a fellow woman, I am astonished that you believe women have to be perfect to hold a man's attention. Your boyfriend has thrown up a lot of conditions for keeping him, whether you acknowledge that or not. If I were you, I'd be running fast in the opposite direction. You can do much better!

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

In reading all of this, it bothers me that so many people think that people must stay tied to wedding vows even if they dont work after a period. "

That's because wedding vows are serious business. They are not to be taken lightly. People stay tied to them because they honor their commitment. Marriage isn't a casual thing.