I’ve known this for ages…I never really had close friends growing up but I watched as those who were ‘close’ mostly drifted apart (a few exceptions) after HS, or college, or some job….i have my family, freeper correspondents, and workmates…
One remedy is the old family structure where elderly family members live with kids and grandkids, and ideally the grandkids do not leave town for college or work and never come back.
I realized a long time ago that real friendship is based on love, not common interests, proximity, etc. And most people just aren't capable of love.
I have 2 good friends and consider myself lucky. I know a few other people (acquaintances, but not friends) from whom I feel genuine affection.
This guy doth complainith too much. I have long time friends ... and those who are friends/solid acquaintances. Then one has business associates. This split is fine with me and most guys.
For me, it is losing someone and the person I want to call most to talk about it has also gone on to Heaven.
I have lost so many friends at young ages. It is disheartening to see the most evil people are just healthy, carefree and fancy free while the good ones suffer.
All of my close friends live 3 hours away. That’s probably why they still love me. We vacation together every year.
There are seasons of friendship.
Proximity is a primary factor. Propinquity in the 50s in colleges that has assigned seating in alpha order led to marriages that occurred with couples with last names close in the alphabet. You relate and connect to those near you. Not a bug it is a human feature.
There is a belief here that love and caring is or should be lifetime. Just because caring and connection is no longer does not mean it didn’t exist. But once people are apart other parts of life fill in. The people who show up occasionally are to be respected... for they honor history, the relationship, the occasion.
Some of the seasons and kinds of friendship in our culture.
Preschool friends
Elementary friends
Middle school friends
High-school friends
College friends
Work friends
Neighbor friends
Other parent friends
Sometimes children become friends
Church friends and other voluntary organizations friends
Retirement friends which change as they move to be close to their children or to assisted living
Caretaker friends.
The only constant in life is change.
We all are essentially alone.
That sounds great and all, but when your closest relationships are with people on the autism spectrum, you learn to explain in clear, computer programmer language exactly what you need. Then you add reminders. It's good practice for when they have dementia. (Also makes it hard to know whether they have dementia, because they were always like that.)
If you expect more than maybe one person in your life ever - well, I can think of two, but they're both dead - to remember your needs without you asking, you're going to be alone and miserable.
That’s when it hit me: we weren’t really friends. We were just two people whose lives happened to intersect at the same place, at the same time, following the same daily script.
And then because I'm not just one who complains about the world and never does anything to change it, I pressed the call button. It wasn't easy, but it was a lot easier than writing a long whiney article about how 'people they ain't no good.'
He was surprised to hear from me.
"Don, is that you? Wow, man, what have you been up to?"
"I'm doing all right, just realized we haven't seen each other in over five years. I miss our lunches together."
Well, what are you doing Wednesday? I was just talking to Bill -- you remember Bill? Well, the "Call" button on his phone still works! We're going to that same burger place Wednesday? What do you say? Join us?"
I realized that in my early 30s. Why is everyone else so fooled? I have my partner for life, my loving children, and my Saviour for eternity. I’m good.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
2013
Susan Cain
My opinion is that people who can't stand to be alone are that way because there's not much inside to be alone with.
“But here’s what nobody tells you until it’s too late: proximity creates the illusion of intimacy.”
I figured that out when I graduated high school. The number of people I routinely interact with from high school is exactly zero, and has been for 40 years. There were a few people from my high school who worked with me in LE, but my interaction with them didn’t restart until they got hired, so my record stands. The people I am still friends with date from college or later. And compared with how many friends I had that number is vanishingly small. The number of friends means nothing. The quality of those friends means everything. Also, I’m GenX, so shallow meaningless friendships never meant much anyways.
CC
That’s probably true in some respects. I guess it’s just life. Aging is the most cruel part of life. OTOH, for Christians it can serve to make us willing — even eager — to meet God. For Mom, when she turned 99, she said, “I think God forgot to take me”, as she missed her sisters, brothers, and basically all of her friends.
I think this is one of many ways God prepares us for Heaven. We are told we will be happy with many friends. We are told we will be happy with riches, wealth and things. We are told we will be happy being famous or with knowledge. But in the end none of them really satisfies our desires. I took Solomon his whole life time to figure this out and is recorded in the Bible. The only thing that truely satisfies us is submitting to God and walking with Him. Knowing this and following through with it really brings satisfaction and prepares us for heaven with Him.
I've got things to do now, but when the time comes that I might want another dog, I'm afraid that it will out live me, and I don't think I can do that to a dog.
-PJ
People need to learn to let go, however painful that might be. What is in the past is in the past. Your future is in the future...be prepared. Every year we sing the song Auld Lang Syne.
During the scamdemic social distancing became a big thingy.
Shoot my life was built on social distancing.
I would add that you mustn’t confuse friendship as those you socialize with.
That’s way too low a bar to define friendship.
Acquaintances and associates are good things but are not to be confused with friends.
This may not be the forum to quote the philosophy of Muhammad Ali but I will any way.
I remember he went on a rant that about how true friends were so rare.
And if you had one true friend consider yourself fortunate.
Retired, kids are on their own, wife retires in 5 years so I go to the beach place alone for weeks at a time with my dog. I see the problem with other people, especially retirees, while at the beach, though. They’ll approach me while I’m walking the dog and start conversations. I don’t mind and I’ll talk to them but don’t need to. I can see that some have to and it’s a little sad. I mostly prefer to just wave and keep moving. Traveling around the world mostly alone for work for the last 30 years got me used to being alone and having few and disconnected relationships. It made me come up with my own diversions and being an engineer, enough technical hobbies to keep me plenty occupied on my own, especially having the Internet for information and finding things, tools and parts to order. I love the solitude and quiet and don’t have to travel in retirement, which I can’t stand now anyway because of what I already did and saw while working.
...unless, of course, they were held together by genuine love and not by proximity, routine, and obligation.
I agree with everything said but it’s just a blinding glimpse of the obvious. He takes the entire piece to explain how proximity drives relationships. He then tries to explain how that’s bad only to the d with “ I’ve discovered that meaningful relationships require effort that goes beyond convenience. They need vulnerability, not just proximity. They require choosing to show up when there’s no obligation, no routine, no external reason to be there.”
Ok so add “vulnerability” to proximity and all is well.
The question should be, why does proximity not lead to lasting friendships?