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After Discovering Cocaine In The White House, Biden Promises To Fix Immigration, Inflation, The Ukraine War, Student Debt, Climate Change, Hotel Fees, Infrastructure, Balance The Budget, And Redesign The Rose Garden By 4 A.M. Tomorrow
Babylon Bee ^

Posted on 07/11/2023 7:55:36 AM PDT by COBOL2Java


WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sudden flurry of moves declared by members of the administration to be a "total coincidence" in the wake of cocaine being discovered in the White House, President Joe Biden has promised to fix the immigration issues at the southern border, reduce inflation, end the Ukraine-Russia war, eliminate student debt, reverse climate change, eradicate hotel junk fees, fund all new infrastructure initiatives, balance the national budget, and redesign the White House Rose Garden by 4 A.M. tomorrow morning.

"Listen up, folks!" Biden said frantically with wide-open, bloodshot eyes. "It's — sniff — time to stop fiddling around with all this other malarkey and get — sniff — down to business. I have authorized my administration to immediately get to work on — sniff — a number of important projects. We'll have everything completely — sniff — fixed before the sun comes up tomorrow morning! I've never felt so alive in my whole life! Neefarbingrizzle! Wooooooo!"

Congressional Republicans expressed suspicion at the President's sudden burst of energy. "It's very unlike President Biden to show such vigor," warbled Senate Minority Leader and cocaine expert Mitch McConnell. "I'm used to seeing this type of behavior, but not from Joe Biden. Other members of the Biden family, yes. Various members of Congress, absolutely. The riff-raff lining the streets of every city in America, certainly. But President Biden hasn't had this much energy since the Nixon administration."

At publishing time, top officials of the Biden administration were scrambling to keep up with President Biden, who was reportedly last seen sprinting from the White House to the Texas-Mexico border on foot.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: babylonbee

1 posted on 07/11/2023 7:55:37 AM PDT by COBOL2Java
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To: COBOL2Java

And the US is in possession of multiple UFOs!


2 posted on 07/11/2023 7:56:40 AM PDT by V_TWIN (America...so great even the people that hate it refuse to leave!)
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To: COBOL2Java

See , Joe is on Drugs


3 posted on 07/11/2023 7:58:06 AM PDT by butlerweave
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To: butlerweave

“See , Joe is on Drugs”

Just not the drugs we assumed he was on.


4 posted on 07/11/2023 8:01:51 AM PDT by nomorelurker
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To: COBOL2Java

Quick! Get Joe more blow!


5 posted on 07/11/2023 8:04:45 AM PDT by Yo-Yo (Is the /Sarc tag really necessary? Pray for President Biden: Psalm 109:8)
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To: COBOL2Java

It’s already gone from the news. It will be forgotten, just like hunter’s incriminating laptop, the “manifesto”, Afghanistan, the 85 billion in armements to the taliban, and Benghazi.


6 posted on 07/11/2023 8:09:28 AM PDT by I want the USA back (A man is not a woman. A woman is not a man. There is no in-between or undefined middle. Cat = cat.)
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To: COBOL2Java

Baby1on B33 is a leftist mag. Look it up. As of the last time I checked, their CEO is a well-known leftwad.


7 posted on 07/11/2023 8:59:07 AM PDT by Scarlett156 (My aluminum baseball bat keeps telling me it wants to talk to J3rry S3infeld. )
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To: COBOL2Java

Hey, Joe! If you can do all that I’ll let you snort coke off the Vice-Whore’s ass in the Oval office every day!


8 posted on 07/11/2023 8:59:44 AM PDT by Delta 21 (MAGA Republican is my pronoun.)
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To: COBOL2Java

LOL !


9 posted on 07/11/2023 9:18:58 AM PDT by The Mayor (Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.)
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To: Scarlett156
Baby1on B33 is a leftist mag. Look it up. As of the last time I checked, their CEO is a well-known leftwad.

I guess Brandon isn't leftist enough for them.

10 posted on 07/11/2023 9:35:57 AM PDT by COBOL2Java ("Life without liberty is like a body without spirit." - Kahlil Gibran)
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To: COBOL2Java
"It's very unlike President Biden to show such vigor," warbled Senate Minority Leader and cocaine expert Mitch McConnell. "I'm used to seeing this type of behavior, but not from Joe Biden."

That's funny.

11 posted on 07/11/2023 10:35:14 AM PDT by DAC21
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To: Scarlett156
Baby1on B33 is a leftist mag. Look it up. As of the last time I checked, their CEO is a well-known leftwad.

BABYLON BEE Owner Seth Dillon On How to Fight Against Cancel Culture

By Movieguide® Staff

In 2017, a fan named Seth Dillon bought the Christian satire site, The Babylon Bee. However, since becoming the owner, Dillon has experienced accusations of spreading false information.

“We’ve gotten into a couple of situations where if we joke too much about targets [the Left doesn’t] like, then they start saying things like, ‘Oh, are these people really a satire site? Or are they a misinformation outlet that’s just trying to deceive people on purpose?'” Dillon told Charisma.

Fact-checking sites flagging the Bee’s content has become a common occurrence as cancel culture grows prevalent. Despite their self-described satire, many sites like Snopes are looking to ban Dillon and his company from the media.

A recent example came when The Babylon Bee posted a joke about CNN buying washing machines to spin its news coverage.

“It was an absurd joke, but we almost got kicked off Facebook for it because we were ‘spreading fake news’ at a time when Facebook was really cracking down on fake news,” Dillon said.

He added: “The fact-checks were always filled with this language implying that we were actually deceiving people on purpose.”

“I love a quote by G.K. Chesterton,” Dillon added. “He said that humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle. That’s a beautiful way of putting it. Humor is disarming. People let their guard down when they are laughing about things, and so it’s one of the first things that they go after, saying that they need to stop when it’s being effectively used as a tool against them.”

However, Dillon pointed out that the satirical site is willing to make fun of itself.

“There’s a lot of self-deprecating humor, and we are willing to laugh at ourselves,” Dillon said. “That’s the whole point of satire, beyond ridiculing bad ideas and confronting hypocrisy—to get ourselves to not take ourselves so seriously, which is a very big problem in today’s world.”

Dillon believes that restrictions on free speech will ultimately negatively affect humor and that The Babylon Bee has successfully fought back to uphold free speech in comedy.

“[Comedy] is dying right now, in large part because there are so many things that they’ve put beyond the bounds where you’re not allowed to joke about them,” Dillon said. “They are restricting speech so much, it’s starting to affect even their own comedy.”

“We have fought back very successfully just by making a lot of noise about it, making people aware of how ridiculous it is that they are trying to mischaracterize us like this,” Dillon added.

Dillon encouraged others to stand up for freedom of speech and not bow to the increased pressure from the cancel culture.

“If we’re going to make a dent in the momentum of cancel culture that’s been sweeping us away in this big wave lately, it’s going to result, from my perspective, from people really getting a backbone,” Dillon said. “The solution is in enough people seeing boldness and bravery and enough examples where they get emboldened to stand up and fight back against it, and just be vocal about what they believe and why they believe it.”

It doesn't seem like it to me.

12 posted on 07/11/2023 11:01:49 AM PDT by higgmeister (In the Shadow of The Big Chicken!)
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To: COBOL2Java
redesign the White House Rose Garden

I thought the Bee was particularly astute with this reference to Biden's obsession with overturning everything Trump.

-PJ

13 posted on 07/11/2023 11:08:04 AM PDT by Political Junkie Too ( * LAAP = Left-wing Activist Agitprop Press (formerly known as the MSM))
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