20 Stevie Wonder, ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Me’
In 1967, Stevie Wonder, a mere 17 years old and already a top talent at Motown — if not quite yet a legend in his own time — released his eighth album (in five years!) Someday at Christmas, on which sat this hunk of treacle, in which Wonder sings in the voice of the star upon your tree. Not exactly the sound of young America, the song barely worked when the Supremes had cooed it two years earlier. Here, an exhausted-sounding, halfhearted Stevie and syrupy strings pretty much turn it to mush. —J.G.
19 New Kids on the Block, ‘Funky, Funky, Xmas’
The spelling is merely the first groaner. “It’s boring, it’s boring — same thing every year,” grouses an elf as this track starts, so NKOTB decide to switch it up. Unfortunately, rebooting Christmas for them means a singalong chorus that’s utterly joyless, a bass line that lamely evokes “Another One Bites the Dust,” and rap portions in which they try to get all wise-ass Beasties on us (“Throw your hands in the air.… Pause.… Kick the ballistics, Santa Claus!”) while only making us yearn for the real thing. And the Christmas-song equivalent of Charlie Brown getting a rock is Donnie Wahlberg laying down a drum solo. —D.B.
18 Pentatonix, ‘That’s Christmas to Me’
It’s only three minutes long, but it feels like 30. In those seemingly interminable 180 seconds, a cappella quintet Pentatonix describe a peaceful, wholesome scene — a bright-burning fireplace, hanging stockings, a “good old Christmas tree” — but with just their voices singing in unison, it becomes boring quickly. Other than a line in which “Santa comes to wake me from my dreams” (which is kind of sketchy), the song, written by the group’s baritone, Scott Hoying, and vocal percussionist, Kevin Olusola, has no narrative, no sense of anticipation. If that’s Christmas to them, it’s safe to say they got a lot of socks and scented candles from Santa. —K.G.
17 Justin Bieber, ‘Mistletoe’
What’s more disturbing: A 17-year-old Justin Bieber singing the word “shawty,” or the fact that the video shows him sending a Christmas card to his girlfriend and signing it “Justin Bieber”? She needs to run as far away from this mistletoe as she can. Bieber’s had a lot of cringe moments over the years, but “Mistletoe” makes “Peaches” look like “Stairway to Heaven.” —A.M.
16 Twenty One Pilots, ‘Christmas Saves the Year’
They meant well, releasing a new holiday song of their own during our first (and maybe not last) pandemic Yule time. And they even wrote a pretty-for-them melody to accompany it, and swaddled it in Trans-Siberian Orchestra gauze. But the results are still as dreary and sludgy as their hits, and a line about “cheap decor and flavored cheer” mostly evokes sad office parties. At least they don’t try to rap or sing in reggae patois. —D.B.
15 The Jackson 5, ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a legitimately screwed-up song. Let’s set the scene: A child is awoken by the sound of reindeer clippity-clopping on the roof. There’s a rustling in the chimney. Could it be? Leaping out of bed, our little sprite rushes into the living room, and yes! Yes! It’s true! He’s real! Santa is really … hey, wait a minute! Get your mitts off my mom, you holly-jolly homewrecker! It’s a sweet Christmas dream and a horrific lifetime of trauma intersecting in one innocence-obliterating double-whammy. When it appeared on the Jackson 5 Christmas Album in 1970, this version of the song, sung by an actual child, was merely creepy. Given the recent allegations of child sexual misconduct against Jackson, it now been rendered essentially unlistenable. —J.D.
14 Bon Jovi, ‘Back Door Santa’
In 1987, superproducer Jimmy Iovine convened an A-list group of rock and pop superstars for the Amnesty International benefit album A Very Special Christmas, from Bruce Springsteen doing “Merry Christmas Baby” to the Pretenders killing it on “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” to Run-DMC rocking the jingle bells with their classic “Christmas in Hollis.” The album has aged very well, but there a few turds in the eggnog, the largest of which being Bon Jovi’s ham-fisted assault on the Clarence Carter oldie “Back Door Santa.” The Jersey boys take a frisky soul tune (from the great Memphis-soul holiday LP Soul Christmas) and turn it into a thudding hair-metal atrocity. Carter sounds like he’s sneaking up the back stairs. Jon Bon Jovi sounds like he’s rolling up in a bulldozer. —J.D.
13 NewSong, ‘The Christmas Shoes’
Sometimes, it’s the little things that remind you what the holidays are all about. Like hearing this song in the car and wondering whether you should dive out the window or just set the whole car on fire. “The Christmas Shoes” is the tear-jerking tale of a little boy on Christmas Eve who wants to buy a pair of fancy shoes for his dying mother. The tiny tot explains, “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight!” (How much Bravo does this poor kid’s mom make him watch? Jesus wasn’t exactly Christian Louboutin — he was born in a barn! Shoes weren’t even invented yet!) When the choir begins to sing along, it’s a Christmas vomit miracle. —R.S.
12 Josh Groban feat. Faith Hill, ‘The First Noël’
When you’re singing “The First Noël” during church on Christmas Eve, it seems pretty innocuous: nice melody, relatively easy to mumble your way through. And that is exactly the source of its badness. That exultant melody is a Trojan horse for what are easily the most trash lyrics in the entire holiday canon: “Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay/In fields where they lay keeping their sheep/On a cold winter’s night that was so deep.” Really? “Was to certain poor shepherds in the fields as they lay”? A “cold winter’s night that was so deep”? Do better, 13th-century Cornish guy who wrote this shit. It’s like scratch lyrics they decided to keep because the session went long and they didn’t want to pay the band overtime. Fitting the ancient origins of “The First Noël,” Groban takes every dumb line and stretches it out like he’s got the vowels on a medieval torture rack. —J.D.
11 Weezer, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’
In “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” based upon Luke 2:11-18, a host of infinite, immortal beings appear to humble shepherds and announce to them the redemption of the entire human race. Recordings of the hymn usually reflect a moment of hope and joy electrifying in its power. Weezer managed to turn it into 1:32 of their poker-faced power pop. But what works when you’re singing ironic, catchy songs about half-pipes and California girls doesn’t really work so hot when you’re offering praise to the sweet infant, Baby Jesus. It’s more like something you vacantly nod along to while you’re stuck on the 405, if that. Only you, Rivers. —J.G.
10 ‘NSync, ‘I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas’
Time to gather around the fireside, kids: Justin, JC, Joey, Chris, and Lance have some lessons to teach you about what they’ve learned about the reason for the season. ‘NSync had a hit with their 1998 Home for Christmas, in the prime TRL era. “I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas” (“till I looked into your eyes”) is their fa-la-la-licious teen romance. “Looking back on childhood days/I can’t believe my foolish ways,” Justin Timberlake sings. “I thought that Christmas only came from the store.” But then he meets a special lady who teaches him what sleigh rides and carols are all about. Britney did not comment. —R.S.
9 LeAnn Rimes, ‘Carol of the Bells’
Nearly any version of this faux-classical glee-club cheese log is torture: four notes repeated over and over and over until the middle of January. It’s like, “Yeah, we get it: Christmas bells, they sure do ring, ding-dong, ding-dong. Let’s move on, OK?” The only excuse for “Carol of the Bells” is when metal bands play it — as Metallica proved, it takes headbangers to do justice to the repetition and brutality. But for some reason, pop singers love to show their serious side with this one. LeAnn Rimes ding-dongs herself into a stupor, sounding like she’s been locked in the belfry a little too long. —R.S.
8 The Killers, ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’
What kind of psycho thinks a teenage domestic terrorist and an avenging Santa would make a good Christmas song? Apparently Brandon Flowers. With a Wall of Sound worthy of A Christmas Gift for You, and some smart chord changes, the Killers’ 2007 Christmas single should have been so much better. Instead, Flowers and Co. wrote a Yuletide teenage-tragedy song in which a Dexter-like Kris Kringle wants to gun down Flowers’ protagonist, a self-described “clean-living boy” who also admits to shooting “children on [his] block.” A portion of the song’s proceeds benefited Bono’s Product Red AIDS charity, but that’s hardly enough contrition for this travesty. Shoot him, Santa. Please. We’ll buy the bullets. —K.G.
7 Lou Monte, ‘Dominick the Donkey’
Italians have given us many of life’s finest gifts: Ferraris, Valentino, Morricone, gabagool. But “Dominic the Donkey” — a novelty carol recorded in 1960 by Italian American singer Lou Monte (né Scaglione) — is an affront to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. A spiritual cousin to the “Chicken Dance” song, it is somehow twice as annoying with none of the pseudo Old World charm. Its aural assault includes a repeating “Hee-haw! Hee-haw!” refrain delivered with a honk that could break glass and a “la-la-la-la-la-la” chorus sung, seemingly, by the Smurfs. Santa uses “the Italian Christmas donkey,” the song explains, to visit his “paesans” in Italy because reindeer can’t climb hills. This is the Christmas-carol equivalent of Joe Dolce’s “Shaddap You Face.” Hear it once, and you will never unhear it. Happy holidays, amici. —M.F.
6 The Pussycat Dolls, ‘Santa Baby’
It took a couple thousand years for Big Holiday to invent the concept of “songs about banging Santa into the ER in exchange for toys,” but honestly, give this poor man a break. Mr. Claus is so busy all year long, greasing his sled, checking his lists, and wrangling his reindeer. The last thing this chubby-cheeked snow zaddy needs is fending off the thirst thrown at him by “Santa Baby” gold-diggers. Ever since Madonna revived this long-forgotten Eartha Kitt oldie on the 1987 blockbuster A Very Special Christmas, it’s been a holiday staple. The Pussycat Dolls do the most over-the-top rendition, huffing and puffing to lure Kris Kringle down the chimney tonight. —R.S.
5 Elmo and Patsy, ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’
Nothing says Christmas like (grand) matricide. This late-Seventies novelty song is undoubtedly one of the darkest in the carol canon, featuring gory lyrics detailing the “hoof prints on her forehead” and “incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.” The jaunty vocals make for an eery juxtaposition more befitting Halloween than “Happy holidays.” ‘Tis the season to ruminate on one’s mortality. —B.E.
4 Seth MacFarlane and Sara Bareilles, ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’
If you can judge a song’s badness by the amount of annoying internet takes it’s inspired, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is arguably the worst song of any kind ever recorded. But even if you don’t find songwriter Frank Lesser’s ubiquitously covered duet “rapey,” its coercive undertones are hard to unhear, particularly the oft-noted line “Say, what’s in this drink?” The way to make the song work is to create a feeling of conversational warmth that transcends the song’s unintentionally creepy vibes. Seth MacFarlane’s version with poor Sara Bareilles definitely doesn’t have that. His stiff, smarmy Dean Martin impersonation goes beyond problematic discomfort to hit a rare note of sociopathic blankness — doing his small yet undeniable part to make winter wonderland just a little more ugly. —J.D.
3 Band Aid, ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’
Band Aid is a good name for a group of mostly white, mostly rich celebrities belting out a smug mess of colonialism, racist stereotypes, and geographic ineptitude to quickly “feed the world.” Please don’t tell us the intentions were good; that way lies the road to hell. You may already know the backstory: Bob Geldof saw a BBC report on famine in Ethiopia, and he and Midge Ure decided to write a song. Famous pals like Sting, Bono, George Michael, and Paul McCartney heeded the call assemble, and since 1984, “Do They Know It’s Christmas” has been stuck in heavy holiday rotation. Sure, it raised millions of dollars, but even Geldof calls it one of the two “worst songs in history.” (The other, Geldof told the Australian Daily Telegraph in 2010, is another supergroup tune for charity that he penned: “We Are the World.”) —L.T.
2 Maroon 5, ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’
Quickie quiz: Are you John Lennon? No! Didn’t think so. Are you Yoko Ono? Also no! Because you’re not. The next question should be easy: On what planet are you qualified to remake their classic “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”? Not this one, Adam Levine. The Maroon 5 crooner tries to sing the John and Yoko parts all by himself, as a Plastic Levine Band ego trip, and the results aren’t pretty. Sing along, children: “And the worrrrld will suck as one!” —R.S.
1 ‘The Little Drummer Boy’
You’ve heard of the War on Christmas? This song is the sinking of the Lusitania — the atrocity that makes previously peaceful civilians decide this war might be a groovy idea. “The Little Drummer Boy” would be at the top of this list no matter who sings it, even legends like Joan Jett or Bob Seger — the absolute ghastliest of holiday tunes. But Jessica and Ashlee Simpson put all their sisterly power into it, like they’re saying “You already think this thing sucks? Just you wait!” Each “pa-rum-pa pum-pum” is another drop in their musical waterboarding. Respect to the Simpson sisters for making every other “Little Drummer Boy” out there look tame. Christmas, you chose violence. —R.S.
12 Josh Groban feat. Faith Hill, The First Noël*
When youre singing The First Noël during church on Christmas Eve, it seems pretty innocuous: nice melody, relatively easy to mumble your way through. And that is exactly the source of its badness. That exultant melody is a Trojan horse for what are easily the most trash lyrics in the entire holiday canon: Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay/In fields where they lay keeping their sheep/On a cold winters night that was so deep. Really? Was to certain poor shepherds in the fields as they lay? A cold winters night that was so deep? Do better, 13th-century Cornish guy who wrote this sh*t. Its like scratch lyrics...
Oh come on. It makes perfect sense on multiple levels:
The winner is the song everybody loves to hate. Looks like a trip to the Harmony Hut is in order:
1 The Little Drummer Boy
Youve heard of the War on Christmas? This song is the sinking of the Lusitania the atrocity that makes previously peaceful civilians decide this war might be a groovy idea. The Little Drummer Boy would be at the top of this list no matter who sings it, even legends like Joan Jett or Bob Seger the absolute ghastliest of holiday tunes. But Jessica and Ashlee Simpson put all their sisterly power into it, like theyre saying You already think this thing sucks? Just you wait! Each pa-rum-pa pum-pum is another drop in their musical waterboarding. Respect to the Simpson sisters for making every other Little Drummer Boy out there look tame. Christmas, you chose violence. R.S.
In case anyone ever wondered why Jesus would be in need of a Colt. A true man of peace!
That's the best Christmas song ever. Glad it's number one. The Little Drummer Boy deserves a special place in David's dream Temple, where he can keep playing and playing, forever:
I played my drum for him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for him
Pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum
Then he smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum
The Little Drummer Boy (Perfect Version)
The Harry Simeone Chorale
Includes:
Do You Hear What I Hear
"Twelve drummers drumming." It's the total round up.
Post 12: "You know a good tune when you hear it."
And don't forget... the ox and lamb kept time, pa'am pa'am pa'am.
@@@
* The place of the first Noel [נואל] is the place where Israel was born:
Genesis 32
24 And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
25 And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
26 And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
27 And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
28 And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.
29 And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
30 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
31 And as he passed over Penuel [פנואל] the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.
32 Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh in the sinew that shrank.
Which reminds me,
Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel [עם נואל], and ransom captive Israel.
That mourns in lonely exile here, Until the Son of God appear
O come, O come, Emmanuel - (Piano/Cello) - The Piano Guys
***
(I play my best for him.)