Posted on 10/09/2020 9:43:28 AM PDT by Colonial35
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.” The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they
came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,
and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable,
low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy
is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.
He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner “how much”, and the owner replies “$50 for the bronze rat,
and $1000 for the story behind it.”
The guy says, “forget the story”, and buys the rat.
As he’s walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront.
By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay,
and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.
The guy rushes back to the store and walks in.
The owner says, “Ah!, so your back for the story”.
The guys says, “No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?”
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled
him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland “
Barack said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my Airforce One airplane.”
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans shoes.”
Barack said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!”
The third kid said,
“ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,
“But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”
It is winter time and the President looks outside and sees that someone
has urinated the words “Barack Sucks!” on the snow in front the of the White House.
He is furious so he gets the FBI to investigate it.
After a week, the head of the FBI comes in and says “we’ve analyzed the situation
and we have good news and bad news for you”
“Well, what’s the good news?” the President says.
We did a DNA analysis, and it’s from Vice President Biden.
“That’s terrible news!” he yells. “What is the bad news then?”
“We also did a handwriting analysis, and the handwriting belongs to Michelle”
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde
flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.
LOL! I think I recall something like that about FDR in WW2
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, And you’re barefoot!
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes ... just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car... in the parking lot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
The bartender says:
‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’
The old woman says:
Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says:
‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies
‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
A fish got sick.
He went to the dock to sea kelp.
A woman took a baby in to the doctor for an annual checkup, the doctor examined
the baby and remarked he appeared healthy and in good shape,
then he asked “is the baby breastfed?” The woman replied “yes”.
The doctor’s attention turned to the woman with concern and he asked her to
remove her blouse and bra. He examined her breasts squeezing, kneading,
and massaging all areas, he replied “your breasts are dry,
how could that baby be breast fed?” The woman replied
“oh, I’m the baby’s grandmother, but I sure am glad I brought him in today!”
Good stuff.
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.
I said to him, “What do you do for a living?”
He said, “I used to be a window washer.”
I asked, “When did you give it up?”
He replied, “Halfway down.”
About once a year, I go to a Mariners baseball game. They suck, I know. But for me, it’s more about the event. I enjoy being in a ball park with the crowd, And with my team, we’ve all been waiting ‘til next year for over 20 years.
Tickets and so forth aren’t cheap. So I end up getting 300 level seats. Still, it’s about the day and I’m fine with that. Last year, for example, I got to the ball park early and watched BP. As the crowd filtered in, I thought I saw my old college room mate come in, down at the 100 field level. “Gosh, that looks like Steve. I haven’t seen him in 30 years. He’s done well for himself if he has a box seat down lowwwww”, I thought.
So I stood up and yelled “Hey Steve!”. There was no response from down low. Oh well. Game time. About the second inning, it was still bugging me that the guy was indeed Steve. So again, I yelled (more loudly this time) “HEY Steve!!!”. Again, no response and the people around me gave me dirty looks.
It was a pretty bad game (typical for my team) and some of the crowd was leaving early. As the crowd thinned out a little, I tried once more (full volume now) “HEY STEEEEEVE!!!: The guy I thought was Steve this time responded. He turned around and yelled back “I’m not Steve!!!!”
When George Burns was 93, he was at a party.
It was after midnight and he had a whiskey in one hand,
and a cigar in the other.
“What does your doctor say about your lifestyle?” somebody asked.
“Oh, he died long time ago,” replied George.
LOLOL!
An Army driver was chauffeur to a major who was a notorious womanizer.
One day, the major saw a lovely girl walk by.
“Turn the car around,” he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he got it restarted,
the girl had vanished around the corner.
“Driver,” barked the major, “you’d be useless in an emergency.”
“I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said.
“That was my girlfriend.”
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at
him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding
toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re
an asshole!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a
lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,”
underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
The lunch order
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t
quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,
“A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “a quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with
a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
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