Posted on 08/14/2020 9:41:41 AM PDT by Colonial35
Subject: FW: Five year old Granddaughter This is one of the funniest ones I’ve seen in a long time. I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?” She said “It’s President’s Day!” She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc. She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.” You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’
Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’
The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .’
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’
The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’
Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow,
this is Mujibar.’
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
I told her that in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job,
so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious,
there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie,
give me bigger boobies.’’ She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed
one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed.
By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says
‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies’’.
The man standing next to her says, ‘’You go to Dr. Smith?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ she said,
‘’how did you know?’’ He replies ‘’Hickory dickory dock!’’
Usually it's because we can't afford it
I like it....
It was the least I could do for him.
The rabbit says, "I think I am a Type O"
Superb......keep ‘em coming!
A Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and
asked if he wanted to come in he said, “Yeah, okay.”
I said I’m just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, “Yeah, sure.”
I said I’ve just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, “Yeah, why not.”
I then he sat down and I asked him, Tell me about this Jehovah.
He said, “I don’t know I’ve never got this far before!”
Just talked to him at my bank....
+. lol.....
* I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
* Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of
6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!
* The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society
where pants and bras are required!
* Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier. If this keeps up,
I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!
* Today’s Weather? Room temperature.
* 30 Days Hath September, April, June and November
All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000.
* Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.
Now weed is legal and schools are closed … damn kids are livin’ the dream!
* This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it
came out as a rum & coke!
* If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it.
It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
* After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk
outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.
* Day 8 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house:
We’re losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour and
nobody knows what time it is.
All good ones. Thank you!
That is a agreat joke. thanks for making me laugh this morning.
Chuz
Boudreaux had been missing for a couple of days, and Clotile suggested to Marie that they should go to the Sheriff’s Office to file a missing person report. When they got there, Deputy Guidry at the desk asked her for a description of Boudreaux for the report.
Marie tells him, “Well, he’s 25 years old, 6 foot 3, weighs 190 pounds, is very well-built and very handsome, soft-spoken, and treats me like a queen.”
Clotile, with a surprised look on her face says, “Marie! Boudreaux is 50 years old, 5 foot 4, weighs 260 pounds, fat like a pig and ugly as sin, loud and obnoxious, and treats you like trash!”
Marie, smiling, says, “Yeah, but if dey can find dis one for me, Boudreaux him, he can stay lost !!!”
It was the least I could do for him.
That one took a few seconds to snap in place.
I heard a sad statistic—6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
I've always liked that one for some reason.
Yesterday, I thought I was wrong!
But I was mistaken.
St. Peter and Jesus go to play golf. The fifth hole is a par 3 with water from tee to green. Jesus had the honors and said, “Tiger would hit a 6 iron.” St. Peter said, you’ll never get there, hit the 5. Jesus hit the 6, beautiful shot but it fell short and into the water.
So Jesus is walking around on the pond’s surface looking for his ball and a course marshal drives his cart up to St. Peter at tee, looks at him and says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
St. Peter answers: “He is Jesus Christ. The problem is he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
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