Posted on 08/14/2020 9:41:41 AM PDT by Colonial35
Subject: FW: Five year old Granddaughter This is one of the funniest ones I’ve seen in a long time. I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?” She said “It’s President’s Day!” She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc. She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.” You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grand River this morning;
he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling
to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ‘s Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
Two Irish hunters chartered a plane to fly them to Canada, to hunt moose,
and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, ‘Any idea where we are?’
Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’
Something to think about.....
I had amnesia once - or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show
you a man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
IB10?...........
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS, SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will Never stand him up and never
let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible.........
No wait... Sorry.
I’m thinking of whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind.
Very good - all good....
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’
Artie said: ‘ I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’
Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’
Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
HEALTH MESSAGE:
1. If walking is good for you, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops around all day, and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run, doesn’t hop, does nothing . . .
yet lives for 450 years . . . AND YOU WANT ME TO EXERCISE!!
Subject: FW: A LOVING GRANDPA
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the
child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle;
and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working
his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long,
easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William,
just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy,
don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing
in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure,
and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things
would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William .........the little $#i+’s name
is Kevin.”
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said....”Oh, that’s so lovely.....What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better......
I have a comb--I just can't part with it.
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services ,
when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing
her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop!
Acts 2:38!’ (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ ,
so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you?’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!
“How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?” asked the caller.
“It’s five dollars a word, ma’am” said the newspaper guy.
“Fine,” said the woman. “Get a pencil and some paper, then take this down:
MacTavish, dead.”
The reporter waited for the woman to go on.
Nothing.
“That’s it?” he asked.
“That’s it,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I should have told you ma’am, and there’s a five-word minimum.”
“Yes, you should have, young man,” snapped the woman. “Alright, let me think.
Okay, I’ve got it. Take this down: MacTavish, dead. Bagpipes for sale.”
Just received this in an email - too good not to share:
Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!!
You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
We will survive!!
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2011 Silverado,
1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that
new “feel”.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options. The seats were of
particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and
directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up
your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership.... Damn guy had no sense of humor.
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Jim Bob walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he
would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever
it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him
with a high level of professionalism.
Jim Bob then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what
you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’
When she returned, she said,
“We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and
$3,000 a month in living expenses.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened; what’s the hold up?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Moore, Hillary Clinton, Chuck Schumer,
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O’Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
“They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “On average, how much is everyone giving?”
“About a gallon.”
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