Why More Men Than Ever View Marriage as a Bad Deal

Over the last few decades, we’ve seen a revolutionary change in the way marriage works in America.

In your great-grandparents’ heyday, relationships were more about raising a family and making a living than love. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t any love involved; it just means the motivations were often a little different than they are today. Women wanted to get out from under the same roof as their parents and have kids. When a woman found a decent man who treated her well and seemed like he could provide for her and her children, that was often enough of a foundation to build a marriage. After all, the country was much poorer then, so her parents couldn’t necessarily support her and she didn’t have a lot of job options. A husband was the best financial option most women had back then.

Today, most women can take care of themselves and those who can’t have the federal government helping them, so they don’t NEED a man to take care of them financially. Combine this with the fact that financial opportunities for uneducated and unskilled men are dramatically reduced from the pre-shipping container/pre-computer age and marriage has been forever changed. That male dockworker can no longer support a family by himself and even if the wealthier, more educated female executive were to marry him (and she probably wouldn’t because he has less status than she does), the marriage would be far less stable because financial need wouldn’t hold them together.

This has a lot to do with why divorce happened much less frequently in the past. Not only was it a little scandalous to get divorced, a woman had a lot more worries about how to pay her bills if she decided to go her own way. That combination of financial need and social stigma held people together. Consider that “the 1967 crude (divorce) rate was 8.7 times as large as that for 1867” and it becomes obvious that marriage was a much more certain bet for previous generations of Americans.

As the need for financial security has fallen away, “love” has become the primary motivator of people who want to marry. The problem with that is that love can be one fickle b*tch.

For most people, that hot, passionate love driven by hormones that makes you crazy for someone else typically doesn’t last forever. Additionally, as people say, “familiarity breeds contempt.” When a woman is on year three of sex with the same person, she just picked his stained underwear off the floor again and what she thought were cute little idiosyncrasies early on have started to get on her nerves, “love” has turned out to be a much less effective cement than financial necessity. That’s very important because almost 70 percent of the time the woman is the one who files for divorce.

Given that we have a justice system that rewards women and punishes men at every opportunity during and after a divorce, it’s no surprise that women are more likely to be the ones ending the marriage. Courts heavily side with women over men when it comes to custody of the children. Chances are if you’re a man in a battle for custody, you’re going to lose and then you’re going to be forced to pay through the nose for the privilege of not getting to spend as much time with your kids as you like. Speaking of which, financially, the courts still act as if we’re in the thirties. Certainly, there could be a situation where a significant alimony payment would be the only fair solution, but that should be a fairly rare occurrence in this day and age.

Imagine a secretary who makes $30,000 a year who marries a CEO making 10 million dollars a year. Five years later, they get divorced. How much does she deserve? Most women would say “half.” At least “half” of what he made while they were together. The honest answer a lot of men would give you would be “nothing.” You know how much she contributed to the man’s success in his career? Nothing of significance. How much is she worth in the working world after the marriage? About the same as she was before, plus she’s had the advantage of having her much richer husband buy her things for years that she’ll take with her. Do you know what he should owe her in that situation after five years of marriage that didn’t work out in the end? Nothing, just like she owes him. Yet and still, in many states, her husband would be expected to keep her living in the “style to which she has become accustomed.” This is exactly the reason that any MAN WHO ALREADY HAS MONEY is crazy if he doesn’t insist on a prenuptial contract before a wedding. Is that romantic? No, but neither is giving a woman who hates your guts half your money. Does it imply you’re not 100 percent sure the marriage will last? Yes, it does, but in a world where divorce is so common, no one can really be sure a marriage will last anymore. You can claim otherwise if you like, but you’re just whistling past the graveyard. I’ve known women who divorced a husband because he lost his job and had trouble finding another one; because she wanted to relive her party years at 35 years old with two kids; because she decided her husband wasn’t manly enough; it goes on and on and on. What I am telling you is that there are no guarantees and your sweet, reasonable honey who loves you to death may decide she wants out of the marriage and turn into a monster once she has a lawyer whispering in her ear during the divorce. Guess what? Usually, the guy never sees it coming.

This can lead to a situation where you’re paying for the lifestyle of a woman who doesn’t want to be with you anymore and is using your kids as a weapon against you while you struggle financially. I know more than one man who has been in this situation. Almost every man does these days. Some people would tell you that’s just the price of marriage. “Hey, if she’s not worth that, then don’t get married.” But how often does the opposite situation happen? How often is a woman stuck paying the bills for her ex-husband while he has the kids after he decided he “just wasn’t in love” anymore? I’ve never heard of a situation like that, although I’m sure it has probably happened. This is an enormous risk that marriage entails for men, but generally not for women.

You also can’t underestimate the impact of having reliable female birth control and women pursuing their careers. Between college and many women trying to climb the career ladder, marriages are occurring later than ever. There was a time in American history when 80% of people were married by 21. That is no longer true.

Barely half of all adults in the United States—a record low—are currently married, and the median age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26.5 years) and grooms (28.7), according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. Census data. In 1960, 72% of all adults ages 18 and older were married; today just 51% are. If current trends continue, the share of adults who are currently married will drop to below half within a few years.

The longer you wait to get married, the less of a chance there is that the marriage will produce children. Take the potential of having children out of the equation and marriage is even less appealing to many men. Keep in mind that single women can now easily avoid pregnancy and have become much more promiscuous than they used to be. Does that mean every single guy is getting laid left and right? Not at all, but it does mean that sex is much more available to the average single man than it was 100 years ago. In other words, even if a man never gets married, he doesn’t have to forego sex. In fact, he has the opportunity to have sex with multiple women, an attractive proposition to most men that would be denied to him if he were married. On top of that, he doesn’t have to take on any burdens. He’s not financially responsible for his girlfriend. He doesn’t have to take care of the kid she had with another guy five years ago. There’s no potential for a brutal divorce if things don’t work out. Typically, women are the ones who grew up dreaming of the perfect wedding and the commitment that followed. Most men just grew up dreaming of having sex with beautiful women.

At one time, those two fantasies had to merge. When our society was less promiscuous, the man needed to get married to have regular access to sex. He got what he wanted and she got what she wanted. Is that still true today? The numbers say “No.”

Back in the early 1990s, the average American had sex about 60 to 62 times per year, but that number dropped to less than 53 times per year by 2014. Among married couples specifically, the drop was even more dramatic - from about 73 times per year in 1990 to 55 in 2014. This actually brings the sex lives of married couples below people who've never been married, who have sex about 59 times per year as of 2014. So if you’re a man, getting married may very well mean LESS SEX and with the same woman instead of potentially sleeping with multiple women. It also means risking a soul-ripping divorce where the court system will be stacked against you. Oh, and don’t even mention the old, “Getting married? Wow, I’ll be treated like a king!” fantasy that men had once. Today, you’re more likely to be treated to demands that you do half the weekly housework.

When you look at that sort of thing, it’s easy to understand why some men are simply opposed to marriage. I am not one of those men, but I will tell you the scales have tipped too far against men in marriage. By that, I mean that unless something changes that shifts the institution of marriage back onto more favorable ground for men, marriage will have great difficulty recovering in America. Since marriage is one of the most important building blocks of a successful society, that’s something none of us should want.

That would be very telling. Do children of divorced parents swear not divorce like their parents, or do they bail more easily since they expect marriages to fail.

The thing is, how many of them marry in the first place? I wonder what the marriage rates are for children of divorced parents. That experience may have soured them on marriage completely.

I have a friend whose wife left him for a multi millionaire. He is in his own right pretty well off, but not private jet well off. Anyway, her new squeeze, being a good business man, encouraged her to fleece him, make him liquidate his business, family home, everything, and split it down the middle. In the mean time, he develops a serious disease, probably because of the stress this caused. The only thing that saved home were his 3 grow children, who stood firmly behind him. She backed down.

I really felt sad, that so many men now think marriage is evil, and all women are money grubbers. SAD!

That's by design.

I believe the media and governments crank up the agitprop, that men don't want to marry because they think all women are money-grubbing post-modern feminists seeking to drain their bank accounts and spirit...that they'd rather watch porn 24/7 instead, and live a metrosexual existence with bromances, feeling morally superior about not bringing an environmental scourge, i.e. children, into the collective.

This agitprop is working well in Europe....

They've achieved zero population growth via fewer marriages and more children out of wedlock. In turn - surprise - they've got a YUGE migrant problem fueled by politicians demanding that they need labor. THIS...is EXACTLY the end game these agitprop-pushing statists want.

Yes, more US men are eschewing marriage and there are divorce horror stories. But our marriage and fertility rates remain above those in Europe...American men on balance haven't bought in to this women-hating dystopia, despite articles like these. Though we must remain on guard lest America becomes like Europe, I remain optimistic about the US' future.

Interesting thread...

We had a up & coming young male college intern at work who was offered a job right out of college at a pretty darn good starting wage. I liked the kid, and having a lot of time and experience in the industry I decided to give him some words of wisdom. I told him to be careful about women, as the smart ones would see his upwardly mobile economic track and try to put a leash on him asap. He was a bit reserved on hearing this advise, and I found out later his "girlfriend" was already pregnant (not planned on his part). I was too little, too late in my advise...

Last I heard, he didn't marry her, but does support and co-raise his kid, so i give him snaps for that. That story proved to me that the new generation of females are hunting for a provider, not necessarily a mate...

That's by design. I believe the media and governments crank up the agitprop, that men don't want to marry because they think all women are money-grubbing post-modern feminists seeking to drain their bank accounts and spirit...

Nonsense. It's nothing more sinister than society having well developed mechanisms for controlling the natural proclivity of men to violence and aggression, while having literally NO mechanism for controlling the natural provlivity of women to vanity and duplicity.

I once talked to a young man in much the same position, career wise.

He told me his fiancée’s dad offered them a ten thousand dollar check to elope, rather than have him pay for a wedding.

The girl told him “don’t even think about it.”

i told him I’d be very anxious about marrying such a girl.

The poor kid was totally uncomprehending.

That makes me more hopeful. Divorce is inevitable in some situations, and children must be taken care of financially. So our laws do favor women in that area, and I believe Dads should be very involved in those children’s lives.

As a woman, it irks me some women do bash their ex husband. I feel, if she thought he was worthy to marry and sleep with, the children deserve the respect from her to not slam the Dad, every chance she gets. That reflects more on her than him. However, the spouse spurned should not be telling the other is considered evil, for everyone makes mistakes, most regret that...Jesus was only perfect human.

What you said makes sense. Some men do try to relive their college fun existence or the hang out, good old boy, drinking/fishing/hunting buddy lifestyle. This metrosexual or bromance thing is scary in today’s society. The porn thing is so addictive, and harder than drugs for some to overcome. Of course, nothing is impossible with God.

I have lunch once a month with an old female friend, and we do not allow testosterone. Why? We have husbands, sons, grandson, and not enough females in family. So both of us deal with the males all month long, and relax for one meal a month....instead of prepare it! It helps!

So glad the correct statistics came out of the thread. Have good day1

Marriage for “love” is a crock, that’s been my takeaway. Marry because you actually like one another, have similar interests and life goals, because you complement one another. Know you’d make a great team because that’s what you’re in fact proposing to do. What popular belief terms “love” is no such thing, it’s merely physical attraction, lust. That often fades. A deeper form of love due to a shared life of triumphs and tragedies gone through together will come with time and that’s an enduring love. I often wonder if folks in the old days didn’t have it closer to right with the arranged marriages. People themselves are too blinded by hormones to see what and who would make a good mate in the sense of a complementary pair.

That said, I’d never marry a woman who would have any interest in my assets, meaning she has her own. That eliminates some of the rampant scheming, grasping and greed right there.

As the need for financial security has fallen away, “love” has become the primary motivator of people who want to marry. The problem with that is that love can be one fickle b*tch.

Well that's one way to say it. I have a slightly different way: They're all batshit crazy, period!

There are ZERO exceptions to that statement. It's only a matter of time until the batshit crazy comes out, for some it's sooner, for others it's later. It almost always happens with the onset of menopause for women as the hormones rage out of control.

Warning signs for men would include:

- "Hotflashes"
- That "distant" look in their eyes as their brain disengages when talking
- A sudden and intense focus on money (watch your bank accounts as menopause approaches and question every withdrawl)
- Talk of a sudden sense of "Freedom" once the kids turn 18
- Disengagement from the kids once they turn 18
- More "wine parties" with "the girls"
- An increase in her divorced friends (they travel in groups and recruit each other to divorce their husbands)
- Reading "relationship" related books (gives them "ammo" for complaints even if they don't really care/agree with what's in the book)
- Talk of "not being happy" anymore
- Complaints about lack of intimacy, especially if they're the one's who've shut that off. They have this unique way of trying to turn the tables here....
- Sudden/increased focus in remodeling the home (they want it ready to sell when they file for divorce)

And this is only a PARTIAL list!

My advice to both my sons, now 20 and 22 years old: DON'T DO IT! They know I'm not kidding.

If I understand it correctly, your thesis is Ambrosia's sentiments of sadness that so many men now think marriage is evil, and all women are money grubbers, is NOT fueled by a plan to eviscerate traditional masculinity, but due to there being no societal controls on "the natural provlivity of women to vanity and duplicity."

Put aside for a moment, whether or not we are all hard-wired that way. The attendant proclivities of both sexes you list have been around since Original Sin (or since man climbed from the primordial soup for non-believers) and we got along pretty well for centuries with the attendant controls (or lack thereof). What remedy do you believe NOW is needed to TRULY force women to live by the same rules as men?

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I used to be married but I'm feeling g much better now!