Single, childless and nearing 40, I saw one real option

CNN ^ | 04/25/2017 | Sarah Lenti

[BJ1]

Fast forward to my 38th birthday. I was still single, and the world of dating had changed significantly in the last eight years. Tinder and Bumble, the dominant dating apps, offered countless options for single men and women, but made the experience of dating entirely impersonal.

Dating amounted to small talk with a stranger, who you had briefly interfaced with online because you each thought the other attractive. The small talk was a prelude to hooking up, and there were no expectations even of a text the next day.

It was brutal. And after trying my hand at it, I was no closer to finding the love of my life or starting a family. If I needed statistics to back me up, I had them. In 2014, marriage was on the decline, as was the fertility rate in the United States.

I had one real option left -- and that was to attempt to get pregnant alone.

[redgolum]

The problem is most people are told the opposite.

In my early 20’s, I was told to “work on the career now, get a wife later”. I did, and ended up realizing I didn’t want the perks of the career without the family.

I married my bride, have two great kids, but know that I am not in a position to achieve what I originally wanted from my career. I can’t and be a good father.

[miss marmelstein]

Maybe if men learned how to be better in bed, we wouldn’t have the problems that so concern you.

[PapaBear3625]

Based on what you said, the woman in this article has almost no hope. As the guys around her age are too busy enjoying one woman after another to settle down. But are you also saying it comes at the price of deceiving the women into thinking he might marry her?

No deception necessary. A woman who asks on the first date "How likely are you to propose marriage to me?" is not likely to get a second date. For the most desirable men in the modern dating environment, there's always another girl who desires him at the first bit of rockiness in the current relationship. They just find it easier to move on than to deal with relationship issues.

[miss marmelstein]

Thanks!

[BJ1]

As a group, the current 20 somethings value their friends more than family. They also value marriage and children at historically low rates of importance.

In other words, what was conventional thinking for WW2 generation, boomers and even the GenXers, is no longer the case today. Settling down, getting married for life and having some kids is not necessarily considered necessary for a successful life to a very large number of millennials.

Now I am not blaming them. If the GenXers and Boomers showed a more attractive family life, I’m sure things would be different.

[NorthMountain]

Miss Marmelstein is a big girl, and is making comments on a controverted topic in a public forum. She's smart enough to know that not all will always agree with her. For my part, I respect her sufficiently to expect that she can read criticism and disagreement without melting away like some wretched "millennial" special snowflake.

Just so's you know.

[miss marmelstein]

Phew! Are you Masters or Johnson?

[AppyPappy]

That’s like saying a man shouldn’t have sex with his wife if she gains weight. Better or worse. Sex should not be a tool.

Most of the abusers I know actually did have sex with their wives. It’s one of the forms of abuse.

[miss marmelstein]

You just wrote that I was wrong all the time, lol! Not exactly a sign of respect in ma livre. And I like a little gentlemanly interference on a thread that turns into a woman-hating screed. (That was NOT directed at you personally.)

[PapaBear3625]

They measure their self worth by measuring their relative ability to control men. Full stop.

More than that. They measure their self worth by how envious they can make their peers, by getting a guy who their peers would also find desirable.

[Mr. Jeeves]

I think what gets missed in all of these lengthy discussions is that human beings are works in progress. Society endures and advances when two pretty good young people meet and marry at 23 or so and have several kids over the next few years and mold each other's personalities and help each other get better. Society does not advance when people overprioritize "career" and hold out until age 38 waiting for Mr./Ms. Perfect - who isn't coming.

When one looks at how much governments and universities and bankers profit from today's cultural bias toward delayed marriages, however, one understands why the propaganda is so intense. :)

[JayGalt]

I think we miscommunicated. Perhaps you were originally being sarcastic?
I responded to “A woman who won’t have sex with her husband isn’t a woman.”

To me sex is a two way street not a duty.

[oldplayer]

“It is not your love that sustains your marriage; it is your marriage that sustains your love.”

Interesting concept that should be discussed more.

Thanks for the post.

[redgolum]

It is a trade off.

I am stalled out in lower position as an engineer because I don’t want my family to bear the costs. I turned down a lot more money to keep my girls rooted in the area where we live and they have a wonderful support structure.

Ripping them out of that every two years isn’t good for them. In my 20’s, I moved every year till I met my wife. Now, I may not move out of the area I am in till the girls are gone.

[JayGalt]

Sorry but I am never going to stand by and see someone be personally attacked without saying something. My silence is acquiescence and I do not acquiescence.

I am more than capable of giving and taking heat and I know you and Miss Marmelstein are as well. But being able to be nasty without advancing the discussion is not one of the perks of FR.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

[Mrs. Don-o]

"Women used to have children into their 40’s before birth control and abortion."

Normal women --- women having normal marital relations --- still have babies into their 40's. Some notable FReeper women may wish to testify or give a hearty AMEN!!

[surrey]

We have 7 grandchildren ages 7-16. We just came back from a cruise with an 8 year old and 10 year old followed up by a trip to Atlantis with a 12 year old and 9 year old. We’re both in our 70’s and frankly they help keep us young. Grandparents are different today from a generation ago. At 60, my grandmothers looked like they were in their 80’s

[PapaBear3625]

But, yeah. A woman refusing to have sex with their husband for a year is a woman holding her husband’s head underwater and wondering why he’s acting so crazy.

Think of marriage as (in part) a contract to be the sole-source supplier of sex.

In the business world, any sole source supplier contract will contain a clause that the suppliers must make their best effort to supply the quantity desired, and that refusal to do so makes the arrangement void, and frees the other party to find another supplier.

[NorthMountain]

You just wrote that I was wrong all the time

I did no such thing. I wrote (correctly) in #148:

"You're wrong. Again."

"Again" does not mean "all the time". It does denote repetition, but not exclusivity.

Misquotation is not a sign of respect in libro meo.

As for this thread being a "woman hating screed" ...

On the one hand, see the weirdo (weirdette?) in the original post. On the other, your comments on men needing to be "refurbished like a used car" betray an arrogance that I would not (and in fact did not) tolerate.

(That was NOT directed at you personally.)

So noted. Thank you.

[PapaBear3625]

And just because a girl at 13 menstruates, doesn’t mean her body is prepared for childbirth.

Girl bodies are not finished growing until about 17 or 18.