Posted on 02/05/2016 4:47:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Trump: "No more Muslims, no more Spics, no more Jews with their dirty tricks!"
The crowd cheered last night at the Raleigh Convention Center when Donald Trump strode on stage with his arms held high and shouted, "No more Muslims, no more Spics, no more Jews with their dirty tricks!" The crowd went wild cheering and clapping.
Trump: "Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Jews." He hesitated, "but you know, enough is enough!"
Crowd: "Enough is enough!"
Trump: "And as far as the Indians go, you know, the ones with the dots and the ones with the feathers. The ones with the dots should go back to India where they came from and work for AOL and the ones with the feathers should go back to the reservation, make rugs and pots and try to pawn them off on the Antiques Road Show!"
The crowd cheered and stomped their feet.
Trump: "We are going to make America great once again! So, holster up, puff up, put your baseball caps on backwards, and be proud to be a redneck. He paused, threw his arms in the air and shouted, "BETTER RED THAN DEAD!!"
The crowd cheered.
Trump: "Together, we can do it! Our battle cry going forward, he paused, "Give hate a chance!"
The Associated Press reports that Trump cut his talk short to mingle with the crowd kissing babies and signing tattoos. Each person at the rally was given a Trump campaign t-shirt that reads:
"Leave no @holes behind!"
Trump concerned that Ted Cruz will spend thousands of tax dollars on maple syrup
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump finds it very problematic that fellow candidate Ted Cruz is from Canada. Trump states that during breaks in the debate, Cruz surreptitiously drinks maple syrup from a flask stickered with Canadian flags.
He explains, "Cruz is clearly reliant on the syrup to engage in public speaking. Considering the future president will be forced into several of those gigs, I'm worried that American tax dollars will be steered towards his syrup dependency rather than something financially savvy like the Great Wall."
Other conservative candidates echo Trump's sentiments.
Jeb Bush exclusively tells us that while he was practicing his soft smile in the bathroom at a "No, People Kill People" party, Cruz barged in, weak-kneed from a syrup sugar high. Bush's family is known for their God-given powers and Jesus has personally vouched for the family in the past. Bush prophesizes, "I envision an apocalyptic future where Cruz replaces all of the good bacon with Canadian bacon." Ben Carson fell asleep as we questioned him on the issue.
Carly Fiorina has yet to comment on whether Cruz's syrup addiction turns her on, although we are certain that no matter her opinion on Cruz, we will frame her as too promiscuous and incapable of leading the country.
Poetic Justice: Supreme Court Rules Ted Cruz A Virtual Non-Entity
BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since April of 2010 has the Supreme Court issued a decision in the form of a limerick. Historically, The High Court of Scotland started this procedure back in the 1262 in order to keep an over-supply of poetic justices occupied. Now that our own court is searching for historic relevance, it was not surprising that they chose the infamous Lewinsky vs Kaczynski case to set a precedent.
With Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg writing the majority opinion which was made in the case which pitted Monica Lewinsky against the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, the following opinion was issued:
We have ruled Lewinsky be no ho
Because "is" does not include fellatio.
However, we have concluded that
Since Kaczynski's letters went "bang"
He must be condemned to hang.
In anticipation that there might be an electoral issue as to whether Senator Ted Cruz is a natural born citizen because he was born in Canada, the Supreme Court has been advised by the Solicitor General to make a decision as to whether Cruz is eligible to become president. The Court was warned that the decision must be pithily written in acceptable limerick form or it will not be published.
The majority opinion as written by Associate Justice Clarence Thomas:
Previously it was ruled Lewinski be no ho
Because "is" does not include fellatio.
Since Ted Cruz was born a Canuck
All we can say is; what the f..k!
In a modern world as big as this
One might expect more than a phish.
Pork barrels and pigeon drops abound.
So how did we end up with this clown?
It is so ordered by the Supreme Court
That Ted Cruz be a man without a port.
In the Court's unanimous vote of collectivity
We decree that Ted Cruz is a virtual non-entity.
NOTE: Copies of this ruling can be purchased directly from the following website: www.supremecourtlimericks.com. All proceeds will be held in the Court's slush fund to prop up Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg during State of the Union addresses.
Trump: Birther Attack on Jesus
Donald Trump seems strong in the race for the Republican presidential nomination, but that doesn't mean he'll curb his more fringe tendencies.
This week, Trump spoke at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, where he brought his brash viewpoint to the topic of religion.
"I'm gonna frank here," he said. "I've got my doubts about this Jesus guy. Jesus runs around telling people to turn the other cheek if somebody attacks them. I'm thinking he's soft on terrorism. We don't need a Prince of Peace, we need a guy who's not afraid to kick a little a$$."
"The guy talks about, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Sounds like a bleeding heart liberal to me. He's probably the type of guy who'd vote for Obama."
"We don't need to turn the other cheek. And love your enemy? What a way to fight a war on terror! I want to nuke the enemy back to the Stone Age. Love the enemy? I want to build a wall to keep them out, and make them pay for it!"
Some in the audience were shocked at this attack, but Trump held strong to his position, explaining, "I want you know I've always been a religious man. I like religion, I know a lot about it. I have a deep personal relationship with, you know, whatever."
Trump showed himself to still be a birther. Having raised doubts about the birth origins of Ted Cruz and Barack Obama, he is now raising questions about Jesus Christ. "I know the Bible well. Everyone knows the Messiah must be the son of David. He has to be born in Bethlehem. It says it somewhere in Genesis 2, anyway it's in Genesis. But the Gospels give two genealogies and they don't agree with each other. There's a big story in Luke about how the family had to go to Bethlehem for a big Roman census, when the historical record shows there was no such census in that time. It all sounds fishy to me. It all sounds like some big cover-up. If he was really born in a manger I want to see the proof. Where are his papers? If you ask me he's no son of David."
Trump ended his speech with a humble proposal that he be appointed Messiah in place of Jesus. "I know plenty of Jews. I dine with some of the world's most prominent Jews. I used to know Malcolm Forbes well. Wasn't he a Jew? I dunno. And Warren Buffet. I don't know if he's Jewish, but he's definitely rich. And you know what? They all like me better than Jesus. That's why I'd like to offer myself as King of the Jews."
"Jesus, he calls himself a carpenter. I've got to tell you, I've built a lot of buildings. I know how to build things. I don't see many buildings built by Jesus. I've got hotels all over the place. Jesus, where's his hotels? He can't even build a kingdom on earth. I can."
Surprisingly, only a few in the audience showed offense at the candidate's words. A typical comment went, "Sure, he attacked Jesus, but that's just how he is. He speaks his mind. That's the kind of candidate he is."
Some pundits are already suggesting that Trump may choose Sarah Palin as his vice-Messiah.
Ben Carson was thought to be keeping a low profile after no one had seen him for several days. The campaign trail seemed to run out of road. Phone calls from friends and trusted aides were not returned.
Republican officials have now released a statement confirming the unthinkable - Carson has moved to the future where things are much better, thanks.
Dogged by stories of relationships with convicted fraudsters and mocking of his faith, it seems the Republican candidate has had enough of the here and now and doesn't have the patience to build a better future.
The latest stories doing the rounds suggest those in the higher echelons of the party are the only ones in contact with Mr. Carson, and report that he is doing well. When incredulous journalists asked how this was possible, a spokesperson said, 'It's very simple. You dial nine to get an outside line, then one to place a call to the future, followed by Ben's home number and a password set up before he left.'
It is thought that Mr. Carson has relocated to the very end of 2016, partly to get a nice New Year's celebration in, but also because the elections are over and he is President of the United States. Yes, reports have it that he went to the future to see if he won so he would know if it was worth carrying on with all the hassle from the media. Once he found out he'd won he felt duty bound to stick around and be Prez.
His party in the present day have used this information to take the campaign in a new direction. 'By going to post-election USA we have confirmation that voting for him is/was the right thing to do. He'll know if you didn't vote for him so protect your own future and vote Carson,' said his campaign manager.
While some Democrats accepted the result, others were not so easily convinced and pointed to tabloid photographs apparently showing Mr. Carson in the UK.
These allegations have since been refuted. A party official said, 'If Joseph can build some bloody big pyramids to store his dinner, why can't Ben travel to the future?'
Speaking about limericks, I present the Eagles song “Victim of Love”
What kind of love have you got
You should be home but you’re not
A room full of noise
And dangerous boys
Still make you thirsty and hot
I heard about you and that man
There’s just one thing I don’t understand
You say he’s a liar
And he put out your fire
How come you still got his gun in your hand
Victim of love, I see your broken heart
I could be wrong but I’m not
Victim of love, it’s such an easy part
What kind of love have you got?
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.â€
Shouldn’t that be a Colt 45 truck?
Fusilli Jerry!
It was a million-to-one shot, Doc. A million-to-one.
The Librarian glares and him and says, "sir, this is a Library."
So, the guy says, "ok, give me two cheeseburgers".
OH GOD TOP 30 PLEASE!!!
CARRY ON!!
Good Morning!
It’s snowing here, eek.
Is that true? It is awefully hard to tell on a silliness thread!
I’m hereeeeeee.....
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