Posted on 06/12/2015 6:03:26 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "butthead".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!
Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow."
Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?"
Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing.
In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
I could have gone all weekend without knowing that, thank you...
A Polish man is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day”, he tells himself. So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer.” The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Pole’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Huh, it looks fine.” Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Pole responds, “What’s that noise?”
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Where da white wimmins at?
>
"Really?", the friend said sounding curious.
"Yep, I almost had some on Monday, I almost got it on Tuesday ..."
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money f rom you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Needs a new spark plug. Dont flood it!
Hot brass down the front is NOT fun.
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