Dear Miss Manners: I am a teenage boy who apparently has impregnated a teenage girl...

uexpress.com ^ | March 1, 2015 | Miss Manners

[Mrs. Don-o]

If you scroll halfway down the link you'll see.....

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a teenage boy who apparently has impregnated a teenage girl. She says she's in love with me still, but also she will not get an abortion and insists that I pay support. I think this is all mood swings. How do I support her morally but not monetarily?

GENTLE READER: That is neither a moral nor a legal position. Miss Manners trusts that the young lady's lawyer will explain that to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.) Add your comments to the discussion. Share this Article

[DoughtyOne]

This is a young dumb a— kid.

He is wrong to think he should be able to demand an abortion.

He is wrong to think he should be able to avoid support payments.

His thoughts are a first reaction to his situation. He is in need of counseling. He is obviously clueless to what adults realize his responsibilities are.

We are judging him based on our adult knowledge of the situation. And while he shouldn’t be defended for these obviously wrong mindsets, it did take two people to get into this situation.

There were two dumb ass people involved here.

She was stuck with a more tangible reality. In time he will be stuck with it too, and that is as it should be.

I don’t think it’s productive to trash the kid as if he grasps what we do, and is just pure evil.

He is just pure dumb. He’ll get wise rather quickly.

[nathanbedford]

Actually, the boy has an argument according to the state of our modern jurisprudence. If a woman is entitled to an (early term) abortion regardless of the rights of the unborn baby, that tells me that the unborn baby has no rights. Therefore, the modern test of requiring the parents of children to pay for their upkeep should not apply against the father on behalf of the unborn. If a woman declines abortion she can only receive child support on the basis that the father is being made to attend to the needs of the after born rather than some claim of the mother (presuming the mother has custody).

Since we probably cannot force a woman to have an abortion by the same logic that prohibits us from restricting her choice to have an abortion, no expense prior to delivery should be attributed to the man. After delivery, the father should have equal claim on custody of the child as the mother, if that custody be in the best interest of the child, regardless of any demands the father might have made for abortion except insofar as those demands indicate that custody or visitation with the father would not benefit the child.

But what of a well-to-do mother who declines a demand by the father to submit to an abortion? If she has means alone adequate for the welfare of the baby should she not alone be charged with its upkeep? And if she is alone charged with upkeep of the child, can the father nevertheless get custody of the child or at least joint custody of the child on the child benefit theory that the child will gain from exposure to a loving father?

What would the feminists to say about this turn of events?

[jospehm20]

It would be even more impressive if he wrote impregnated in cursive.

[DesertRhino]

There is a concept that he needs an attorney even if he lives up to the responsibility to the child. Meeting responsibility means having the ability to provide, I cannot see how it means simply accepting any and all terms that this equally morally miniscule girl may dictate.

[Eddie01]

“Welcome to life, Dad.”

...oh, and it gets worse.

[RitaOK]

LOL! I know! All our guy friends who were divorced were left standing in their shorts, with nothing but the old stainless steel coffee pot in their hands! We’ve got pictures!

It’s a built in guarantee that wifey gets a residence, the children and the cash. And on time, too. The hubby? He’s wiped out and gets the bill. EVERY. TIME.

[kaehurowing]

Sounds like those same naughty college boys who used to write Ann Landers and Dear Abby.

[DoughtyOne]

Mrs. Don-O, with all due respect, you will honestly sit there and state that you don’t think the boy’s rights should be considered in this? That’s your well thought out response?

Just what is his attorney going to do? He will know the law concerning such matters and advise the kid to abide by the law. I’m not quite sure what part of that is evil in your eyes, but it is every bit as reasoned as her getting an attorney.

Your tone seems to indicate you think this is all the boy’s fault and he should just submit to what her attorney tells him to do.

You must be able to understand that isn’t exactly fair.

[Fido969]

She’s “in the family way”.

[DoughtyOne]

Perhaps it would be more productive if you explained what you think should take place. I understand your point, but what would you like to see to fix that?

[DoughtyOne]

Good grief you have a lot of pent up animosity here.

I don’t know how old the kid is. If he’s 14, should he be as informed about these matters as you and I?

People can be very wrong, but not be a morally miniscule individual. They are just not informed as to what the rules of this type of situation are.

Do you know this is the only boy who was with this girl? Do you know his economic status? Do you know if the other boy(s) may have come from poorer families, and she might be motivated to accuse the boy with the most wealthy home?

There are a number of unknowns here. There’s no need to be angry. This will resolve over time.

[RitaOK]

I’m with you. But, I have sons. A boy working at the corner market can not pay the consequences in coins.

They better think of something else. Fast.

If girl-momma can not financially afford the consequences either, then adoption is the only answer I can think of.

Even cavemen had to know that offspring come from the mother, are suckled by the mother, so as her stake is greater, perhaps we could discuss the possibility that her responsibility and her unfortunate consequences are naturally going to be greater. Hmmm?

Women, about men, are trying to throw their weight around to make all things, all the time, in every circumstance, equal.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Your well-considered response is probably more well-considered than mine ...

OK!

...but at the same time, I think the whole point of a lawyer is to find some way to help the boy wiggle out of or minimize his responsibilities. After all, that's exactly what he said he wants.

So don't worry, he'll get a lawyer.

[JoeFromSidney]

Only one quibble with Miss Manners. I don't think I would have referred to the female in question as a "lady." Nor, apparently, is the young man a "gentleman." He's trying to duck his responsibilities.

I know a couple who started out this way. They eventually married and now have a large family of really great children. It can happen.

[DoughtyOne]

This is an unfortunate situation.

Nothing is going to make it perfect.

It’s going to be hard on both kids. It is very unfortunate that she became pregnant due to their youth.

I want to see this turn out as fair for al three parties as it can.

It would help if they both loved each other very much. That probably not being the case, this will be even harder on them and the child.

Recreational sex isn’t what it’s hyped to be for young kids.

Thank you for your nice response.

[IronJack]

People slip into big-wordism when they’re scared or trying to impress their intended audience.

Or when they're literate and assuming their audience is too.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Perhaps I should bow out of the discussion for now, since I don't know much about the state of the law in cases like this.

It seems to me that one of the aims of the law should be to maintain mother-child and father-child bonds, since that is what the child needs. Whether "law" can do that or not --- or to what extent --- I do not know.

All the boy has expressed an interest in, in his short communication, is (1)eliminating the child, or (2) eliminating his paternal responsibility. He would presumably want his lawyer to try to accomplish one or the other.

[kjam22]

I have a little different view. The woman is the sole decider? The man’s only choice is to pay monthly for 18 or so years? This demonstrates that abortion is not about a woman’s body. I’m opposed to abortion, but I’m also opposed to a system where both parents aren’t involved in the decision. Would she want to keep the baby without his financial support? The system is not fair to the man, and often REALLY not fair to the baby.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Thank you for your thoughtfulness as well.

I was amazingly like these kids in my late teens-early 20's, and I was more to blame than they, because I was taught better, and I should have known better.

So many dumb kids haven't a clue that something as "trivial" as trivial sex, is going to have an impact on them for the rest of their lives. That's why sex is not ever, in fact, trivial.

[DoughtyOne]

I don’t think the boy should be able to eliminate his responsibilities, but I don’t know the laws of their state either.

The girl does deserve help in her situation. He is the person.

How does a 14 year old help? (if he is indeed that young) Even at 16 or 18 it would be very hard for him to be responsible.

There’s also the issue of her living with her parents. What actual expenses will she have when supporting this child? The child will likely sleep in the mother’s room. Grandma may be at home and able to watch the child during the day. How do you quantify the correct amount of support?

I’m glad I’m not the one having to come up with a figure.

The dynamics of this make my head swim.

I’m not trying to knock you out of the discussion at all. It’s an eye opener topic.