***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?

 

 

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

                         

Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?

No. He was Elf-taught!

 

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

25. There’s "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?

They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

 

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

 

 

 

Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions,
- Arrived on time,
- Helped deliver the baby,
- Cleaned the stable,
- Made a casserole, and
- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

[JRios1968]

[TexasCajun]

[Liberty Valance]

Wow! Thought we had bad drivers in the US ...

Hold muh wodka and watch this!

[JRios1968]

[BenLurkin]

NFL Bad Lip Reading https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRqKYXcL-2U

Honest Trailers - Gravity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzzLngXfCcI

[zeugma]

That is an awesome graphic.

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[fredhead]

“and now my 10 and 12 year old boys are at each others throats over cleaning their room.”

It’s like Burgess Meredith said in Grumpy Old Men....

“Kids!! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.

[acad1228]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The manager replies, “Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his manager and says “$101,237.65”.

The manager, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

The manager said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”

[relentlessly]

Obama Lies About What He’s Saying As He’s Saying It, Again....

       
“My tradition is not to remark on cases where there still may be an investigation.”

[Lucky9teen]

[Monkey Face]

Bump

[relentlessly]

Hey Monkey Face - want to attract big ladies?

[Monkey Face]

No, actually, I’d rather attract the men. And it’s Ms. ‘Face to you, sir....

[Lucky9teen]

Ah...those silly facts

[Monkey Face]

Facts are pretty sad, sometimes.

[Hiskid]

Christmas present suggestion

[JRios1968]

[JRios1968]