And now from our WTF Halloween Dept
Posted on 10/31/2014 5:45:38 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Left wing policies are usually tricks masquerading as treats so Halloween is a big holiday on the progressive calendar. They have many traditional methods of celebrating.
Heh.
Careful out there tonight, Laz...
A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
“What the hell happened?” Asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.
“I’m not really sure.” The man replied, rubbing his red cheek.
“When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.”
Top 25
A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.
It’s dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it’s just bumping down the street behind him.
The man is scared. He’s sure it’s following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It’s right behind him!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...
CRASH!!!
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
..........finally the coffin stops!
First Witch: “What are you doing?
Second Witch: “I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer.
So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer.”
First Witch: “Good luck!”
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath,
“You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
At least he hadn't been to Brownsville
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or...” and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
TOP 30 ?!?!
LOL!
IN!!!
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”
“What a coincidence “ - said the farmer, who added: “It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating...”
“It is a special day for me too ... I am also celebrating!” - said the woman.
“What a coincidence” - said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” - said the man - “I am a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. “
“This is awesome!” - said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster” - he said.
The woman smiled and said: “What a coincidence...”
Woman's costume: Naked except for her best boots. Puss-in-Boots!
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