"FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature
Posted on 01/10/2014 5:46:05 AM PST by Lucky9teen
"It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade." — Conan O'Brien
"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet." — Craig Ferguson
"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel
"A #PolarVortex sounds like something Mr. Freeze would use to destroy Gotham City... or a new flavor of Powerade." — Jimmy Kimmel
As a newsman, I want to salute whoever came up with the term 'polar vortex....it is terrifying but still sounds all science-y. A lesser meteorologist could have overreached with 'arctic coldnado' or 'alaskan dick punch,' but 'polar vortex' is restrained but menacing. ~ Stephen Colbert
It’s so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, “It's worth the risk.” ~ Fallon
It's as cold as... "A brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska!"
— WABC New York viewer Jenny Tozzi
"So cold, I saw Superman in a cab."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Phil Gayden
"Today's forecast is 'holy crap I can't feel my freaking face' degrees."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Gaby Robles
"The devil got under my covers and told me to keep him warm cuz hell had frozen over."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Ivan Ibarra
"Good tanning weather! *insert sarcasm here*"
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Janina Rocio Sandoval
"It's so cold I just saw a teenager with their pants pulled up!"
— ABC11 viewer Stan Donna Smith
"It's so cold that tomorrow is canceled."
— ABC11 viewer Bryan Lassiter
"It's so cold that I saw two beagles with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started."
— ABC11 viewer Don Currie
"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."
— AP reporter Ray Henry
And since we're all stuck inside, here are some that never get old:
It's so cold that...
"...hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs."
"...the optician is giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses."
"...pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm."
"...I chipped a tooth on my soup!"
"...if you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire."
I posted that on FB and got grief from people who didn’t understand it. < |:(~
The federal government has issued the following travel warning.
Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the
following:
1. Shovel.
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours’ worth of food.
5. De-icer.
6. Rocksalt.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning
That’s my favorite gif. So cute! lol
...not to mention the most spelling variants of "statue" ever assembled. :-)
You cut off the punchline of your 4th joke
Do you need to hear it? (I know it...)
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
The question of the year!!!!
We are always hearing about how Social Security is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money?
What’s interesting, the first group “worked” for
their money ... the second didn’t!!
WHOOP!
(even though it is a fake)
---------------
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945, the U.S. produced
We put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services and:
It's worth noting, that during the almost exact amount of time, the Obama administration couldn't build a functioning web site.
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
Now, how often can one get an attorney to convict his own client
If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!
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