***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

"It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade." — Conan O'Brien

"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet." — Craig Ferguson

"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel

"A #PolarVortex sounds like something Mr. Freeze would use to destroy Gotham City... or a new flavor of Powerade." — Jimmy Kimmel

As a newsman, I want to salute whoever came up with the term 'polar vortex....it is terrifying but still sounds all science-y. A lesser meteorologist could have overreached with 'arctic coldnado' or 'alaskan dick punch,' but 'polar vortex' is restrained but menacing. ~ Stephen Colbert

It’s so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, “It's worth the risk.” ~ Fallon

A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.

The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”

The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.

And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?”

And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”

The Alabama preacher

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression. “

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

She came to me on her hands and knees

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

Toot ‘n Tell

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when
you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

Halo statue

After years of playing the state lottery in Texas, a Hispanic man won the jackpot. He decided to have a new house built for his family. He designed most of the interior to fit his two sons and twin daughters.

His wife would have the grandest kitchen with more counter space than most restaurants. Each of the children’s bedrooms had their own bathroom, so their would be no fighting before school.

The grand living room was to be set a foot below the main level of the rest of the house. He wanted it to be a place of relaxation for the family late at night and the dining room was to be furnished with the best furniture available.

He got the builder to go over the plans with him to the smallest detail. Wooden steps, special railing for the stairs, carpet colors for each room, grand master bathroom with two huge closets, and even a shoe closet for the wife.

As the house was nearing completion, the builder noticed one issue that had not been addressed. In the corner of the main living room, there was to be an area for a “Halo Statute”. He had no clue what that was.

Being that he knew they were practicing Catholics, he went to the Priest and asked “What do you think a ‘Halo Statue’ is to put in that room?”

The Priest thought for a while, and eventually said, “It must be a stature of Mother Mary with a halo around her head”.

So after a few visits to several arts and craft stores, the builder found the perfect statue.

The owner and construction supervisor decided to do a final walk through of the house. As they walked from room to room, the owner was as pleased as he could be with the construction and finish work.

As they were getting ready to sign off on the deal, the new owner asked the builder, “What is that statue in the corner of the living room”?

The builder said, that is your “Halo statue you specified you wanted in that room”.

The owner said, “No, no, what I wanted there, is the thing that goes ‘ring, ring, I pick it up and say, ‘Halo, stat you’ “.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

"FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

What to do the next time it snows...