W00t! Happy Friday!
Top Ten!
In ...
A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.
The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”
The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.
And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?”
And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”
The Alabama preacher
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression. “
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
She came to me on her hands and knees
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
Toot ‘n Tell
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when
you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.
Top 10! ? Happy Friday!
TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
.....aaaand the world piece
I thought it was hilarious. He nearly lost his job and had to issue an apology.
“Just because it snows in winter doesn’t mean the planet isn’t getting warmer.”
Halo statue
After years of playing the state lottery in Texas, a Hispanic man won the jackpot. He decided to have a new house built for his family. He designed most of the interior to fit his two sons and twin daughters.
His wife would have the grandest kitchen with more counter space than most restaurants. Each of the children’s bedrooms had their own bathroom, so their would be no fighting before school.
The grand living room was to be set a foot below the main level of the rest of the house. He wanted it to be a place of relaxation for the family late at night and the dining room was to be furnished with the best furniture available.
He got the builder to go over the plans with him to the smallest detail. Wooden steps, special railing for the stairs, carpet colors for each room, grand master bathroom with two huge closets, and even a shoe closet for the wife.
As the house was nearing completion, the builder noticed one issue that had not been addressed. In the corner of the main living room, there was to be an area for a “Halo Statute”. He had no clue what that was.
Being that he knew they were practicing Catholics, he went to the Priest and asked “What do you think a ‘Halo Statue’ is to put in that room?”
The Priest thought for a while, and eventually said, “It must be a stature of Mother Mary with a halo around her head”.
So after a few visits to several arts and craft stores, the builder found the perfect statue.
The owner and construction supervisor decided to do a final walk through of the house. As they walked from room to room, the owner was as pleased as he could be with the construction and finish work.
As they were getting ready to sign off on the deal, the new owner asked the builder, “What is that statue in the corner of the living room”?
The builder said, that is your “Halo statue you specified you wanted in that room”.
The owner said, “No, no, what I wanted there, is the thing that goes ‘ring, ring, I pick it up and say, ‘Halo, stat you’ “.
Top 20!!
eBay Warning..........
Be careful what you buy on eBay. If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”
Top 20! Woohoo!! TGIF!
A highway patrol officer comes upon a car driving very slowly on the freeway. After slowing down and falling in behind it, he turns on his lights. The car pulls over, so he gets out of his cruiser and walks up to the car’s window.
Inside the car are four old ladies. The officer asks, “Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Well, no, sir, I don’t,” replies the driver. “I was driving the speed limit...”
The officer says, “The speed limit on this highway is 65 miles per hour, ma’am. I paced you at only 24. Driving that slowly, you’re a serious hazard to traffic.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said the old lady. “I saw this green sign with the number 24 on it and I thought that was the speed limit.”
“That’s actually the highway number, ma’am,” says the officer. “I’ll let you off with a warning on this one. Please try to keep up with the flow of traffic.”
At this point, the officer notices that the passengers in the car have been dead silent the whole time, with frightened expressions on their faces. He turns to the passenger in the front seat and asks, “Are you okay?”
The passenger replies, “We just got off Hwy. 680.”
Gig’em Aggies!
The federal government has issued the following travel warning.
Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the
following:
1. Shovel.
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours’ worth of food.
5. De-icer.
6. Rocksalt.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
The question of the year!!!!
We are always hearing about how Social Security is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money?
What’s interesting, the first group “worked” for
their money ... the second didn’t!!