***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi. ~ Jay LenoThese White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American. ~ Jay Leno

Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line. ~ Jay Leno

So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano. ~ Jay Leno

President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited. ~ Conan

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden. ~ Conan

President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four “American Idol” judges. ~ David Letterman

During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.~ Jimmy Fallon

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House. ~ Jay Leno

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter. ~ Jay Leno

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS. ~ Jay Leno

Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner. ~ David Letterman

I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference. ~ David Letterman

The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It’s Bernie Madoff.~ Craig Ferguson

The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on. ~ Jay Leno

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington -- like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI -- it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." --David Letterman

"The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." --Jay Leno

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated -- by the Department of Justice." --Jimmy Fallon

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' -- try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." --Jay Leno

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." --David Letterman

"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." --Jay Leno

"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down." --Jay Leno

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton's chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don't weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky...Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she'll not only be President, she'll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." --Bill Maher

I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again. ~ David Letterman

These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, "Anything else you guys aren't telling me?" And Joe Biden was like, "Uh . . . I broke the copier." ~ Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, "Guys, when I said 'no spoilers,' I was just talking about 'Game of Thrones.'" ~ Jimmy Fallon

A beautiful fairy appeared one day before a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. “Good man,” the fairy said, “Since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children, I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and PING! he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water in Annapolis with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.” PING! in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway and a spectacular patio with a barbecue in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans.” And PING! the man was transformed, wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where’s my new house?”

The fairy said, “Tough sh!+, amigo, now that you’re a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”

Posting for an elderly guy who is a good friend:

Taco Hell

$5.37!

That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some more change.

Then the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then saw him handing back change to me.

“Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am a mere 59, nowhere near 65 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen? Bullshit!

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I’ll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Couldn’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind!

“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now?

I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Nor a car seat in the back seat.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later (after finding my own truck) I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
Only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth, tattoos, and black nail polish.

All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some orange-haired punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her my bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other “old fogies” on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

P.S. Save the earth...... It’s the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

Say. . . did I post this already?

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