Posted on 04/12/2013 5:29:35 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
bfl
Never try to outsmart a woman!
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I’ve been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing for the long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend. And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I’ll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, “Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike but,” he said, “why didn’t you pack my new blue silkpajamas, like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, “I did. They’re in your tackle box.”
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!
The Christian Way to Call Someone a Bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.
AN ILLEGAL POEM
By Illegal Immigrants
I cross river,
Poor and broke,
Take bus,
See employment folk.
Nice man
Treat me good in there,
Say I need
Go see Welfare.
Welfare say,
‘You come no more,
We send cash
Right to your door.’
Welfare checks,
They make you wealthy,
Medicaid
It keep you healthy!
By and by,
Got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends
In motherland,
Tell them
‘come, fast as you can’
They come in buses
And Chevy trucks,
I buy big house
With welfare bucks.
They come here,
We live together,
More welfare checks,
It gets better!
Fourteen families,
They moving in,
But neighbor’s patience
Wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
Moves away,
I buy his house,
And then I say,
‘Find more aliens
For house to rent.’
In my yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
They just trash,
But they, too,
Draw welfare cash!
Everything is
Very good,
Soon we own
Whole neighborhood..
We have hobby
It called breeding,
Welfare pay
For baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
Running here.
We think America
Darn good place!
Too darn good
For white man race.
If they no like us,
They can go,
Got lots of room
In Mexico.
Message to those who favor Gun Control”
Ha Ha that one made me fart a little bit.
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke.
“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
The old priest continued, “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”
Here is a little humor from a Lutheran Pastor.
Two magazines, Country Living (95.99% white readership) and Ebony /Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?”
The results were interesting, to say the least...
Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:
1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S
2. Child/spouse dying
3. Terminal illness
Ebony / Jet magazine’s top three answers were:
1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail
No Kidding. And these are the people who put Obama over the top.
AND TO GO ALONG WITH ALL OF THIS, I’LL SHARE TWO QUOTES, ONE PITIFUL AND ONE GREAT!
“My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me, as we change it.” — Barack Obama
“Life’s tough, pilgrim, and it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
That Mosey is shinier than mine, but mine has prettier wood grain. I never use it for a clothes-hanger bar.
I must be out of touch...
I didn’t think post 25 would last. LOL
Pity that got pulled...
I tried this and it really works!
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Everyone does stupid stuff sometimes.
This week (until today) the weather has been beautiful. Highs in the 80’s and sunshine.
The trees are in full bloom and everything’s turning yellow from the pollen.
I have asthma and pollen is one of the major triggers.
I’ve been driving around all week with the top down on my 69 VW convertible.
I am stupid........or maybe I just couldn’t resist.
I had a friend whose theory was that the newest affirmative action was going to be for stupid people. She called it the “stupid quota”. She said you could walk into any organization or business and within minutes spot the stupid quota. She added the scary part is if you go to a doctor or board a plane, you won’t know if it’s a real doctor or pilot or the stupid quota. This used to be funny. Now, not so much.
As evidence, my new supervisor wanted a report with several data trends listed for my dept. I submitted it via email. The following email exchange then occurred:
Boss: Thanks for submitting the report. Did you include the projections I asked for from the data you collected?
Me: I’m a little confused. Those projections are listed at the top of the report I sent you. Did you want something else?
Boss: Oh, ok. I didn’t read the report you sent me, but I thought I’d ask. Thank you.
Thanks for the silliness...TGIF!!!
It’s long enough that I could still stay out of his reach while thrusting the bayonet into his gut. :)
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