Posted on 11/10/2011 9:50:19 AM PST by Feline_AIDS
Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?
Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.
Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.
This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.
She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.
He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.
So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.
Pros of saying something:
-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or
-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading
-Clear conscience
-It's the right thing to do, I think
Cons:
-Will likely worsen her depression
-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship
Find out if he knows how to pilot a plane, but cannot take off or land.
You have to tell her the truth. If she doesn’t listen, too bad.
Offer her a place to hide when it goes wrong.
I seriously doubt you can do anything to convince her, some women just seem to court disaster.
ya might point out what the Bible says about being unequally yoked. Ya might point out how muslims treat women.
I would say something if it were a friend of mine. The trick is saying it in a loving manner and not getting sucked in to a major argument.
.Either way you will probably lose her as a friend.
We've heard that story before. The burka comes next.
Ask her if she’s prepared to deal with him killing their daughter some years down the road, because she refuses to wear a burqa to some event or other?
1 Thessalonians 5:17
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
17 pray without ceasing;
Send her a copy of the Sally Field movie: Not Without My Daughter
—2) He’s more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program.—
Yeah, same reason guys go for the “trashy” girls. Usually they don’t marry them, though. Either way, this will affect the rest of her life, and there is little you can do about it.
It is best to learn from the mistakes of others, but in matters of love, often the only way to learn is through your own mistakes.
I agree with San Jacinto. You do have to tell her the truth. You can’t make her believe it, but when something bad happens to her (and it will), you will regret not having said something.
Suggest to her that she does not CONVERT, it is not an option.
Have her watch, “Not Without My Daughter.”
I think you owe her the truth. But it probably won’t work. If she marries the guy your relationship with her is over anyway.
Send her this link along with a hug
GMTA
Patriot Act = GITMO
She is headed for a disaster of epic proportions. I can’t stress enough what a bad decision she is making. It would be one thing if he were just a secular Middle Eastern fella (still not a great choice). But a practicing Muslim - she’s crazy.
Teach her about Islam, FAST. Explain honor killings and beheaded wives, female genital mutilation, the whole nine.
Christians should be equally yoked in marriage, but they should definitely NOT marry Muslims.
You have to be willing to lose her friendship in order to save her. Tell her the 100% unvarnished truth. Treat her like a sick alcoholic.
Still, your friend may just be one of those females that seemingly has an unconscious death wish.
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