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Posted on 08/01/2011 2:29:55 AM PDT by JustAmy
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Cardless Flowers
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she’d know who they came from.
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.
The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
“Please, I’ve GOT to know WHO sent these flowers
New Practice
Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!”
Romantic
An older couple was lying in bed one night...
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to nibble my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
The Modern Toolbox
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman’s 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.
If My Body Were a Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it — almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Southern Signs
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to avail of cheap airfare and travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
this is good stuff!
This is so cute, Dubya! I love it. I will copy to an
email to my buddies! By the way, I’m a Moon Pie.....LOL!
~~Enjoy Your Day~~
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Hope yours is going smoothly!
Having a new roof should do wonders for your stress level when the next storm arrives. We went through it a few years back. Not a fun thing! I know what you mean about the 'self pity' thing. I, personally, can't imagine going through some of the disasters others have had to face.
Thank you!
A wonderful Thursday to you!
Thanks for the laugh!
You know you’re getting there when...
* Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
* You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
* Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
* Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
* Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
* You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
* You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
* Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
* At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
* Your back goes out but you stay home.
* When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
* It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
* When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
* When happy hour is a nap.
* When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
* When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
* When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
* When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
* Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
* It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
* Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
* The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Great photo!
Photo by ML/LTOS
You need to put that ON the pic! :)
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~~groan~~
Not tellin’ how many of those I relate to! LOL! :)
I too am a Moon Pie. The funny part is...my daughter is Collards and my son is Catfish...lol.
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