Posted on 07/15/2011 8:29:31 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
After several days of tense negotiations, a Seattle-area family has decided to increase the maximum amount of money it can borrow, also know as its “debt ceiling.” The Watterson’s previous limit was $286,000, an amount that included a mortgage, two car loans, and a 60-inch flat-screen television. “By increasing our indebtedness to $300,000, we can finally get back on a strong financial footing,” said Helen Watterson, the wife in the family and the lone female representative. “And get a new summer dress.”
Husband George voted in favor of the spending plan. “When I lost my job at the factory, we collected unemployment benefits for a while. But when that ran out, we resorted to deficit spending. It’s served us well in the past. Holding back on the credit cards is probably what kept me from getting a new job in the first place. As everyone knows, there’s no better way to revive the economy than by borrowing.”
Billy, the youngest Watterson with a vocabulary limited to “mama” and “no,” cast the only dissenting vote.
The family’s financial difficulties began with their wedding, when the true cost of the $50,000 fête made its way onto Visa and MasterCard accounts. “We felt bad at first,” said Helen, “but then we realized, ‘This is cool!’” They made slow but steady progress paying down the original loan amount. “That is, until my uncle, Sam, recommended that I take out a loan on a house,” said George.
“They’re idiots,” said Christopher Hoffman, the Watterson’s meddling neighbor, whose daughter has invited young Billy to several of her front-lawn tea parties. “I’m a financial adviser by trade, and I can tell you that, given their current level of income, the only legal means they have of getting out of debt are to reduce their spending, or to find a way to extract money from their friends and relatives.”
“I’m liking that second option,” responded George from across the hedge.
Notable economists were generally upbeat about the family’s plan. “I’d loan them a buck or two,” said Paul Krugman, the Nobel laureate for economics and columnist with The New York Times. Timothy Geitner, a high-ranking secretary of something or other at “The Executive Branch,” agreed, but was cautious. “At some point, even foreign banks are going to stop lending to them,” warned Tim. He also pointed out that past performance is not indicative of future results, “despite our best efforts.”
Even with the increase in their borrowing, the Wattersons continue to look for a job or some other way to pay back the funds. “We could cut back our expenses,” said George, “but as my son grows, I think this mountain of red ink will better serve as a teaching experience for him. The future of our home—of our nation—is in the hands of our children. It gives me hope.”
The other day, we're driving down the road, and I see a big AWESOME boat and trailer parked out in front of a dealership. "Cool!" I say. "I'm getting that!" But Colonel Wife was all, like, no way we could afford to spend that kind of money. But I go, "Ridiculous. We'll just raise our Debt Ceiling."
I know as much about boating as the federal government knows about medicine. So, logically, it seems reasonable that I should spend money I don't have to take over something I don't know doo-dah about, especially if it puts me over my so-called "limit." Come to think of it, I don't have enough houses, either. And I don't own a single private jet.
I hear talk on the radio contraption about the Evil Republicans getting all uptight about government spending, and caterwauling about how they won't vote to raise the "debt ceiling" until the People's Democratic Party agrees to adjust spending levels from "Naked Through The Woods" back down to "Drunken Sailor." How sophomoric. Like there's really some kind of mythical debt limit that prohibits us from borrowing more money. Since when? If you increase it every time you get close to it, how can you call it a limit?
Our Fearless Leader, doing his best to reach out to the Evil Republicans by playing golf with the Speaker of the House and giving speeches, proclaimed that he was open to spending reductions (and, reportedly, he got that out with a straight face)... as long as tax cuts for "millionaires and billionaires" are ended. No more corporate jets. No more tax breaks for rich oil companies making obscene profits.
No more jobs for (or tax revenue from) people who design, build, and sell corporate jets. No more jobs for (or tax revenue from) people who do the five bazillion things necessary to bring gasoline to your car. Right on, Mr. President! Stop the madness! It's not like we want people getting away with old-school capers like starting a business or building wealth.
I was hitting my ninth shot on a particularly challenging hole at the local golf course the other day. My buddies suggested such a performance was going to be bad for my scorecard. But that's just because they don't know anything about how golf is played in the new era. I had already increased my par for that hole, what, five times? I figured, what's three more?
Like the president, I am highly educated. I need not be limited by such mythical constructs as "par" or "debt ceilings." I'm far too enlightened for that.
Now, as for my new boat: where do you put the gas, and where's the brake pedal?
Now, as for my new boat: where do you put the gas, and where's the brake pedal?
IBTP!
Woohoo! It’s Friday!!!! What took so long, Lucky?
Top 5
WooHoo!
IBTP!
Let’s get our Friday on!!
IBTP!
Let’s get our Friday on!!
IBTP
Top 10
Top 10.
top ten!
Awesome. Simply awesome.
Second from the right looks a little torqued about something...
I think I’m gonna throw up...
I was debating with myself on whether to raise the Friday Silliness Thread or if I should make cuts to it first....
No, actually, since I work up the thread from work, I had forgotten to email it to my home, so I had to wait until I got to work to post it.
This expression is priceless.
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