Posted on 06/17/2011 6:07:31 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
The Right Choice My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” – Submitted by Anne Carlson
Thanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. – Submitted by Charlotte G. Alexander
Things My Dad Would Never Say
Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” – Submitted by Karla J. Kasper
Papa Bear My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” – Submitted by Robin Yedlock
Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” – Submitted by Kirsten Wiley
No. 1 on Our List — Literally! My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. – Submitted by Joan Flood
"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." —Conan O'Brien
"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." —Jimmy Kimmel
"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." —Conan O'Brien
"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" —Jon Stewart
"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" —David Letterman
"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." —Jay Leno
"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" —Stephen Colbert
Best Weiner Jokes on Twitter
The Weinergate jokes are flying fast and furious on Twitter. Here are the best of the bunch:
"BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere." —Steve Martin
"Tattoo it on your chest, MEMENTO-style, Weiner: 'The Internet is forever."" —Patton Oswalt
"A historic day for trivial Twitter fame. Charlie Sheen has called Anthony Weiner to offer his concession." —Arianna Huffington
"Weiner-gate is teaching me a few things..if a pic posted of my weener on web looks big: i posted it, if its small, my account was hacked." —David Spade
"Just my luck! On the same day I find out it's bad to tweet dirty pictures, FedEx shows up w/ all that penis make-up I ordered!" —Andy Richter
"BREAKING: Rep. Anthony Weiner admits the Twitter pics are his. He also said, 'When I took the pics it was really really cold." —Justin Stangel
"Tough to know what Weiner was really thinking during his press conference because he was standing behind a podium." —Andy Borowitz
"Well, our long, national nut-mare is over." —Steven Weber
"Now that we have certitude of what Weiner's wang looks like, let's use it to raise the debt ceiling!" —Jason Linkins
"STEVE MARTIN IS REALLY OILED AND BUFF. OMG, my Twitter account was just hacked." —Steve Martin
"I guess this is what happens when Bill Clinton presides at your wedding." —Sara Benincasa
"Remember when the only people who saw a politician's penis were hookers and interns?" —Jason Mustian
"Maybe Weiner and his wife have an open genital-tweeting marriage." —Mileskahn
"Americans will remember where they were, what they were doing, and what color underwear they were wearing when today's news broke." —Arianna Huffington
"Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s." —PatGarofalo
"Too bad Boehner won't stand up for Weiner." —JasonIsbell
"Which would make a better theme song for weiner: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground?" —elraei
"Schwartzenegger, Weiner, DSK and John Edwards walk in a bar. There were no survivors." —iowahawkblog
"I hope that instead of retiring Weiner just reads a list of jokes. 'This is hard.' 'Yes: I am pulling out.' 'We faced stiff challenges.'" —bengreenman
Top 10 Weinergate Headlines
1. Battle of the Bulge, Weiner Exposed (New York Post)
2. Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel (New York Post)
3. Yeah, I'm A Schmuck (New York Daily News)
4. The Big Wang Theory (The Daily Show)
5. Weiner's Pickle (Daily News)
6. Cocksure Weiner Mocked Larry Craig Sex Scandal (TMZ)
7. The Lesson of Weiner's Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete (Kansas City Star)
8. Boehner Won't Bite on Weiner (CNSNews)
9. Congressman Wants Weiner Probe (Fox News)
10. Weiner's 'Junk' Defense (The Daily Beast) Chuck Norris's new business got off on the wrong foot.
A wedding where a Jew is marrying a Muslim, officiated by an impeached President...What could go wrong?
This apparently just breaking.....Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. I guess folks we may be looking at a potential “Weiner-Holder” Ticket in 2012.
A wedding where a Jew is marrying a Muslim, officiated by an impeached President...What could go wrong?
The reason Weiner got into politics? He did it for the little guy.
just in time! Great catch!
Eww. lol
you have to watch this twice because you miss what the other one is doing....
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125
If Roger Waters decided to weigh in on #Weinergate, it might look something like:
“If you don’t tweet your meat, there won’t be any scandal! How can there be any scandal if you don’t tweet your meat?”
LOL!
I would love to see Palin up against any two liberal media types in a Jeopardy contest.
It reminds me of a local election here in Texas for County Judge. The good guy was about 72 years old and his opponent was mid 40s. The only thing was the the 72 year old ran everyday and would swim about 1 mile every morning. The young guy was a chain smoker. The young guy started telling people that the old guy was too old to be County Judge. They said he did not have the energy to be Judge. So we put it out the there should be a 1 mile race to settle the issue. They shut up about his age.
I have a feeling that Sarah could shut some people up!
Oh that video is so funny, thanks for posting it.
Absolutely wonderful thread.
Love without end, amen...
For Dads everywhere, on Father’s Day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrTidoW2Erc
“If you don’t tweet your meat, there won’t be any scandal! How can there be any scandal if you don’t tweet your meat?”
“Wall” reference = 10 points
Pink Floyd member reference = 10 points
Unfortunately Mr. Waters retired from posting last night and now demands that you stop using his name, stop using his material, stop existing on this earth - at least until his solo career tanks.
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