Posted on 06/17/2011 6:07:31 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
The Right Choice My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” – Submitted by Anne Carlson
Thanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. – Submitted by Charlotte G. Alexander
Things My Dad Would Never Say
Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” – Submitted by Karla J. Kasper
Papa Bear My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” – Submitted by Robin Yedlock
Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” – Submitted by Kirsten Wiley
No. 1 on Our List — Literally! My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. – Submitted by Joan Flood
"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." —Conan O'Brien
"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." —Jimmy Kimmel
"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." —Conan O'Brien
"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" —Jon Stewart
"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" —David Letterman
"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." —Jay Leno
"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" —Stephen Colbert
Best Weiner Jokes on Twitter
The Weinergate jokes are flying fast and furious on Twitter. Here are the best of the bunch:
"BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere." —Steve Martin
"Tattoo it on your chest, MEMENTO-style, Weiner: 'The Internet is forever."" —Patton Oswalt
"A historic day for trivial Twitter fame. Charlie Sheen has called Anthony Weiner to offer his concession." —Arianna Huffington
"Weiner-gate is teaching me a few things..if a pic posted of my weener on web looks big: i posted it, if its small, my account was hacked." —David Spade
"Just my luck! On the same day I find out it's bad to tweet dirty pictures, FedEx shows up w/ all that penis make-up I ordered!" —Andy Richter
"BREAKING: Rep. Anthony Weiner admits the Twitter pics are his. He also said, 'When I took the pics it was really really cold." —Justin Stangel
"Tough to know what Weiner was really thinking during his press conference because he was standing behind a podium." —Andy Borowitz
"Well, our long, national nut-mare is over." —Steven Weber
"Now that we have certitude of what Weiner's wang looks like, let's use it to raise the debt ceiling!" —Jason Linkins
"STEVE MARTIN IS REALLY OILED AND BUFF. OMG, my Twitter account was just hacked." —Steve Martin
"I guess this is what happens when Bill Clinton presides at your wedding." —Sara Benincasa
"Remember when the only people who saw a politician's penis were hookers and interns?" —Jason Mustian
"Maybe Weiner and his wife have an open genital-tweeting marriage." —Mileskahn
"Americans will remember where they were, what they were doing, and what color underwear they were wearing when today's news broke." —Arianna Huffington
"Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s." —PatGarofalo
"Too bad Boehner won't stand up for Weiner." —JasonIsbell
"Which would make a better theme song for weiner: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground?" —elraei
"Schwartzenegger, Weiner, DSK and John Edwards walk in a bar. There were no survivors." —iowahawkblog
"I hope that instead of retiring Weiner just reads a list of jokes. 'This is hard.' 'Yes: I am pulling out.' 'We faced stiff challenges.'" —bengreenman
Top 10 Weinergate Headlines
1. Battle of the Bulge, Weiner Exposed (New York Post)
2. Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel (New York Post)
3. Yeah, I'm A Schmuck (New York Daily News)
4. The Big Wang Theory (The Daily Show)
5. Weiner's Pickle (Daily News)
6. Cocksure Weiner Mocked Larry Craig Sex Scandal (TMZ)
7. The Lesson of Weiner's Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete (Kansas City Star)
8. Boehner Won't Bite on Weiner (CNSNews)
9. Congressman Wants Weiner Probe (Fox News)
10. Weiner's 'Junk' Defense (The Daily Beast) Chuck Norris's new business got off on the wrong foot.
IBTP!! WooHoo!!!
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!
Truckloads of Americans have been caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the guys who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.
IBTP
Top 5
I still prefer:
Great stuff!!! Stealing some of it for my FB. Thanks all.
top 10
DAD ping
Happy Father’s Day, everyone. :)
The “Ten and Two!” cartoon reminded me of my son. My three-year-old has now taken it upon himself to say, whenever he notices my not doing so, “You drive TWO hands, Daddy.”
PBTP! Yaahoo.
Subject: Women are hard to please
Why it is so difficult to please women.
A wife asks her husband, “Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why in the world did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
Think about it….
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
Defensive driving now instructs you to keep your hands at four and eight if the vehicle is equipped with air bags. If the air bags deploy and you have your hands at ten and two, the bag will blow your hands off the wheel, if not break your forearms.
A small Muslim child is found wandering around lost in the shopping mall. A Security guard asks the child what his mother looks like.
He says, “How would I know”?
If the air bags deploy, you don't need to hold on to the wheel anymore.
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