Dear Bride: 10 wedding complaints from your bridesmaid

There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.

As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.

Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.

#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.

#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?

#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.

#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.

#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!

#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?

#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.

#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!

#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.

#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.

#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.

#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.

So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.

Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.

I think whatever the marrying couple and their parents want/can afford, is their decision. I grew up wanting to be a princess and the only time I was able to have that was my wedding. It was a magical time (and I wasn’t some entitled witch). My husband still jokes that the wedding was all about me and my mom and he was just an after thought. He wasn’t of course, but yeah, his opinions didn’t matter all that much, lol. We were having the wedding we wanted and he was along for the ride.

Now he has four daughters and even he’s looking forward to their weddings since he doesn’t have to be bothered with any of the planning and just enjoy whatever his girls want. He jokes all the time to them that the only people who have any say are them and me.

The marriage is the most important part and I still believe most know that. I know I did and I’m confident my daughters will too.

Weddings are fun. It’s a happy time. Even with all the bullshit that goes with them.

As a bridesmaid, I went along with whatever the bride wanted and knew I could opt out at any time. I didn’t have to accept the honor of being a bridesmaid (except for the time I had to for family...my Mom’s niece, my cousin, bridezilla back in the 80s when I was in college and suffered through her ridiculous demands and nastiness). Sometimes we do stuff for family harmony :)

My husband and I had a great time at our ceremony and at our reception. My parents and close family and friends had a great time. Nothing else matters :)

I’m looking forward to my daughters weddings.

I don’t think Melas knocked you. We all have our tastes.

I got lucky, or not, with four girls. I’m sure one of them will have the big princess wedding I had. One may elope (and I will be pissed, lol). One may have a wedding in our backyard and a big party like our football parties. It’s all good.

But knocking big princess weddings...as the OP sorta did...is gonna bring opposing comments.

Spending $1100 on my gown back in 1989...it was cheap back then, but reading posts here, that’s considered a lot for a wedding gown. In my area, my wedding/reception was on the low side.

Married in a formal Catholic Mass.

Formal reception.

Bride wore a beaded, silk white gown with a cathedral train. Headpiece and veil was custom made.

Reception was a sit down dinner of prime rib and lobster.

Amd open bar. We, my husband, parents and I all insisted on open bar.

Cocktail hour prior to reception.

Reception cost my parents at least $10,000.

My gown, paid for by me, $1100.

Married to same person, and four kids, 21 1/2 years later.

Uh says you.

This knokcing of weddings is hilarious.

I was a princess to my Dad throughout my life and a princess on my wedding day.

My four daughters are princesses to their Dad. Hopefully, one of them will have a formal wedding.

And who said anything about going into debt for a wedding? My wedding was free and clear. My Mom was like that...paid for everything in cash. I paid for my dress, headpiece/veil, in cash. We paid for everything in cash.

Married 21 year, 22 in October. :)

I especially liked your comment about how since it makes you mad, and it’s more painful for you, that’s all that matters. Lot’s of projection there :)

#1 Agree. If already living together, why the big wedding. But, ain’t my call. As for saving $75.00, I could always not attend or send a gift.

#2 Agree. Bridesmaids dresses usually can’t be worn after the wedding. We all know this. We’ve always known this. I will never wear all the pink frou frou bridesmaids dresses I bought for those weddings. I was able to cut one down an wear it and two of my bridesmaids did the same for the black and silver dress they chose for my wedding.

#3 It’s form. And looks good in pictures. Hey, do it different for your wedding.

#4 It’s so easy to say “no thanks.” Try it and then you won’t have to suffer through the tacky gift. In some cases, the bride and groom give a gift that’s sentimental to them and hopefully to their bridesmaids and groomsmen.

#5 Some people like to write their own vows. My husband and I weren’t one of those. We did the traditional vows.

#6 I’m all for open bar and hate when I go to a wedding where there’s no booze at all and appreciate when there’s an open bar. I couldn’t care less about the food. I’m there to party and eat beforehand. It is nice when the dinner rocks. It’s just not my main focus. I want to have fun. Before I was married and after I was married with kids. Food is the last thing on my mind.

#7 I give a cash gift (gasp, horrors). I don’t give a damn where the newly married couple are planning on honeymooning or who’s paying for it. If they use my cash gift to fund it, whatever. In this area, we always give cash gifts for weddings, Communions, Confirmations, graduations. Well, for everything.

#8 Oh if the bride and her family can afford her being a princess for one day, then she is a princess. Old or young bitter people need not stamp an ok on that. It ain’t about you. Since when were we privy to the newly married couple’s house plans? I go to a wedding to celebrate the union between two people who love each other and making a committment to each other, and a Sacrament in some cases. What they do after that is none of my business.

#9 Food isn’t my main interest. I’m happy to get a decent meal. More than happy when that meal is incredibly delicious. I’d spit out the caviar too. Can’t blame the ring bearer for that.

#10 I have a wonderful picture of me, at my reception, with a bottle of beer and a cigarette. Dancing. I didn’t get drunk but I was buzzed and had a blast. How the guest got home wasn’t my responsibility...but an fyi...my parents rented a bus...so there ;)

#11 Oh we rented the limo so we could party so no one would have to worry about how much we drank...lmao! You ain’t paying for it so why do you care, and what business is it of yours anyway? Bitterness is so unbecoming.

So dear bitter guest, it ain’t about you. Don’t be a bridesmaid, don’t attend the wedding. You have that choice. If you choose to attend, have a good time. Or not. We don’t really care as long as our close family and friends have fun.

And it doesn’t strike you as being the least bit condescending to say that she was in your words, “silly” for having a wedding that she obviously cherishes to this day?

If I’ve gotten anything out of this thread is that it’s a more emotional topic than I would have thought beforehand. Two very different schools of thought here, and never the twain shall meet.

I’ve heard of one such example, and I’m proud to say that I know the father in question. Mother and daughter began planning the wedding, when future son-in-law got dollar signs in eyes. He approached her father and told him that he and my friends daughter had decided that they’d rather have the money that my friend had been setting aside for his daughters wedding since she was a child. My friend told him to kiss off, that it wasn’t her money, it was his money and he was going to use it for his daughter’s wedding, hopefully to someone else. Luckily, it was an eye opener for the daughter, and she kicked him and his money grubbing ways to the curb.

Fortunately, no one on here or any site could ever diminish my childhood, wedding, marriage, life. I had wonderful parents who I miss daily. My husband, pita that he is at times, is a great guy. ;) Gotta give the guy credit, he lives with 5 females, and his 4 daughters have him wrapped around their fingers (just like me and my Dad). I’m the bad cop mostly, lol.

Wedding threads on FR always run in the extreme. I could joke about the excess when it comes to weddings, and there are excesses but it aint my money so it ain’t my decision or business.

Weddings are a very emotional topic. You must be a guy :) Whenever the kids and I discuss weddings, or prom, or anything involving money, he always says to them “that’s between your mom and you, I just write the check.” I think he gets off easy, lol.

My parents gave me the option of a formal wedding or the cash (for a down payment on a house). My Mom had been saving and as the only daughter, I had the choice. I wanted a princess wedding (they paid for the reception and back then it was close to 10K. They hosted and paid for the Serenade (it’s a south philly thing...big party the night before the wedding). The groom’s parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner (my husband’s parents wouldn’t pay for any booze/bar bill).

Anyway, we paid for everthing else: dress, limo, DJ, flowers, church donation, pastor donation, invitations, etc.

I would never slam someone for how they spent their money, or the gift of their parents money.

I’m glad I had the wedding I did. It’s a memory that I cherish. I hope I can give my girls the wedding of their dreams, whatever those dreams are.

Ive already told them, we’re paying room/board for college (the two in college got academic scholarships so we don’t have tuition) and two more to go, lol. Give us a few years on the wedding thing ;)

I’m not a fan of strapless gowns. Being a D cup, we need something to hold it up. ;)

I’m just not a fan for the most part. Although, some rock. I had a very princessy gown, lol. My kids say it was too frou frou.

I don’t think or care really if a gown is immodest (I have no doubt my wedding gown was considered immodest as it was a bit low cut). Lots of cleavage.

Prom dreses for my kids...kill me now. Mostly everything is strapless.

Contrary to popular belief here (on some of these threads) not all current fashion is immoral or immodest or slutty.

“...when future son-in-law got dollar signs in eyes.”

I was a future son-in-law 23 years ago. I grew up being a busboy at our Midwest church cleaning up the plates and eating leftover meatballs and potato salad in the church basement reception after weddings. (And memorial services).

I made one comment to my future wife (raised and lived in NJ) about how fancy the wedding was getting to be and was it really needed. She told me “My dad gave us a budget (her mom and her), I’m his only daughter, and this is how we do it in New Jersey”. Looking back I see that it wasn’t a fancy wedding by East Coast standards at all. But to a midwest kid, $38? per guest at the nearby resort/lodge/dining hall was quite a bit much compared to meatballs in the church basement!

This is one of those times where I know I should keep my opionions to myself, but I’m not going to listen to that voice.

I’ve long suspected, now bordering on conviction, that a woman’s objections to immodesty in others is directly proportional to her perception of her own attractiveness. Women who like the way they look, don’t seem to be all that judgemental. Like you, they tend to understand that a little cleavage or a little thigh isn’t the end of the world, and might even be fun.

Women who don’t believe they are attractive, for good reason, or for not, tend to scream the loudest about modest dress. I think they subconsciously act in the hope that if the better looking women were covered up, they’d have some sort of parity that only Vonnegut could appreciate.

And then there are some of us that didn’t have to choose between a wedding of our dreams and a house. We were thankful for whatever our parents gave to us, from their hard, blue collar work.

My parents helped fund their kids college educations. And, they helped fund their weddings, and in my case, paid for most of it.

My parents grew up during the Depression, dirt poor, and my Father was a WWII Vet so you can kiss my ass with your class warfare crap.

Nice shot at the end. I bow to your “practicalness.” RME LOL

Again, KMA.

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