Posted on 02/12/2011 1:44:03 PM PST by se_ohio_young_conservative
As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last fall. I have been here with her and I will be here with her every step of the way. Thanks to those of you who have offered prayers.
The strange part about all of this is the reaction of some of my friends. Some are people I have known well since HS or before. Some are friends of the family for years and know my mom very well. Some online friends as well. Its almost as if some of my friends are avoiding us. Not returning phone calls. Acting nice when they see me in person but never checking in. The only thing I can think of is that they don't know what to say. Other than that, I have no idea.
I have wonderful support from my family and the friends who are staying in touch. But it still gets lonely at times. and nights can be quite sleepless.
I think you’ll find a lot of the reason may be that the average person unless they have gone through what you are they don’t have a clue what it is like. They most likely don’t know what say....what to ask....are fearful mainly of saying the wrong things. It’s like there is no guidebook when it comes to this and the majority of people just shy away.....afraid too that they may one day have to face this with a loved one therefore they are in some sort of denial. If they don’t see it personally with you then perhaps it won’t happen to them.....not very realistic but somewhat protective mode. I’d definitely call the friends and ask for whatever you want...even it is just a few minutes of their time to chat. And then you may also find some feeling guilty as all get out for not staying more in touch with you and they won’t call......so many reasons and none because they don’t really care.....more unsure of how to act etc. Stay strong!!
The advice you’ve already received from other people who have “been there and done that” is really good. I cared for my grandmother, whom I was very close to. I found that the people who stayed connected and who had some depth to their character were from my grandmother’s circle of older friends, so you might also find your mom’s friends are more ready to respond if you call - and they may be surprisingly very good company, too. Also, personally, I would suggest that you get sunshine every day, regular exercise of some kind, and eat an especially very healthy diet right now. My faith was extremely important as a perspective for the experience. And as I was caring for my grandmother, I also reminded myself that I was doing what my mother would have done if she had been alive, so I grew closer to her in thought as well. I do not regret the time I spent caring for my grandmother now, and I bet you won’t either. You do learn about human failings along the way, but that is an earned wisdom and so it is especially valuable to living a life of meaning.
I visited for an hour each week, same time, same day, because I knew that if I did not keep a pattern, my daily life would get in the way.—————————
I really appreciated reading your approach. You are very wise and I will try to put just such a discipline into practice the next time it is my turn to “visit the sick”.
That is awesome...and for a year. Peace be with you...and, I bet He is.
I am so sorry. I was in your place in Jan of 2010, except it was breast cancer.
Call your friends, invite them to visit. Call your mother’s friends. Some of them might offer to come visit with her so you can go out with your friends to dinner, a movie or to the bookstore for coffee.
Take care of yourself too. Get some exercise, eat well and try to get some sleep.
You are doing a wonderful thing caring for your mother and she is blessed to have you with her.
Praying for her and you.
tiki is wise, so listen to her, young conservative.
It is indeed very likely that your friends just don’t know what to say, especially if they are young and inexperienced in life’s tragedies. They may be thinking, “What can I say? Do I bring up the illness? Do I pretend it doesn’t exist?” It’s very difficult for them.
Call and ask for a specific event, as has been suggested - watch a movie together, play a board game. It might be easier if you ask for 2 or more to come visit.
Prayers continue for you and your mother.
You did not ask for advice, but may I suggest that you periodically send your friend a “thinking-of-you” card. Even if you don’t talk to her much, the card will do a lot to lift her spirits.
Don't think too harshly about the friends who seem to be skittish.
When my cousins wife was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer I had not a CLUE what to say to her or how to talk to her. I realized after she died that I had pretty much avoided talking to her even though I had been in her presence at various get togethers in the months before she died. To this day, 28 yrs later, I try to imagine talking to her and can't even think what I would say. I can't imagine how to stroll up and open (or afterwards) hold up my end of a conversation without sounding horribly forced and stilted and seeming terrified of a faux pa. I didn't know how to talk to her without in effect putting a laser focus on her condition.
I still feel badly about it. You are all in my prayers.
What others have posted seems likely, about people being “uncomfortable” with their own mortality and too absorbed in “I”, “ME”, “MY”, and “MINE” - and afraid that the same sort of thing could happen to them might be affecting their thinking. Also not knowing what to do. - Just be thankful for the family and friends who ARE paying attention, and if the others aren’t forthcoming and soon, forget it and focus on who is in the here and now. - Prayers for whatever is needed in your situation.
Forgive them for they know not...
I’ll say prayers for your mom. My mother passed away six years ago from complications due to Alzhiemers. The progression of the disease was like a soul-stealing thief we couldn’t do anything to stop. Little by little the person she was slipped away from us until that heart-breaking day came when she looked into my eyes and didn’t know who I was. On Christmas Day ‘05 she suffered a massive stroke, slipped into a coma a died soon after. I think the hardest thing for me, for all our family was that we never really had the chance to say goodbye. Enjoy and treasure every day, every hour of life with your mother that God gives you.
When you are down and out, you find out who your real friends are. You will find you actually have very few. Real friends are there for you. The rest are FINOs.
Unfortunately, I have had some experience dealing with cancer patients and the reaction from others. I have helped members with lung, pancreas, hip/liver, brain, and colon. People act funny... they avoid you and the person suffering from the disease. I personally believe that they don’t want to “catch” cancer in a way. Of course, it isn’t something you can catch but it is depressing. You watch a person (in many cases) lose weight, hair, and change in appearance. You also must deal with a person who is on pain medication. Sometimes the conversation doesn’t “flow” right. Knowing that a person may or will die is a difficult reality. What do you say? Do you tell the person your good news (a job promotion or a new baby) knowing that their life is limited? What if the person actually starts talking about death- can you handle that? Some can and some can’t. It is that simple. What is truly sad is that the person feels abandoned. Abandoned by their bodies, friends, family, and neighbors. Thankfully, some have some family that realize being a parent, son or daughter, grandchild doesn’t just mean you share the good times. It means being there during the bad. Prayers for you! I know this particular period in your life is hard and will get harder (been there and done it). Pray hard and often and realize that your actions are worthwhile and comforting.
You have already guessed the answer, they don’t know what to say. Especially young people, they are afraid they will say something wrong and make it worse. In truth they are making it worse by avoiding you. All you need is one friend to confide in. I experienced this after my son was killed. I had one friend, a neighbor who I didn’t know very well but she called every day asking if I wanted to take a walk. I have told her several times that she is the one who pulled me through.
people sometimes run from impending death
Many people are rude.
Some people dont know what to do.
Make the first move.
So sorry to hear that about your mom. I can relate because my wife had breast cancer and as such lost a breast. Also because she had to go through chemo, all of her hair as well.
One would have thought she had the plague or something. Friendly neighbors suddenly would turn their backs and ignore her.
Prayers to you and your mom.
“I experienced this after my son was killed...”
Prayers for you Ditter. Losing a child must be one of the most difficult life events one can experience. It sounds like your neighbor pulled you back into an every day event like walking. She simply kept asking you until you eventually said yes. In short, she drug you back into a “normal” activity. She must be a very special person.
She is a very special person and I have told her how much she helped me. If I felt like talking about the weather, we would talk about the weather, if I felt like talking about my son, we would talk about him. If all I wanted to do was walk in silence, that is what we would do.
To all of you out there reading this, if you are wondering what to do, remember all you have to do is be there, and listen.
I think it is mainly because they really don’t know what to say. They hope that it won’t happen to them and can handle it on the surface, but when it comes to really letting you bare your soul, it frightens them. Times like this let you know who you really can depend upon to be there for you. Forgive them their weakness and lean upon those who are there for you. Prayers for your mother, your family and for you.
“... remember all you have to do is be there, and listen”.
Wiser words have never been spoken. Some of the most simple things are viewed as gifts. Send a casserole (especially to someone who is undergoing treatment). They need to eat and don’t have the energy to fix something. Ask them if they need you to pick things up at the grocery store. You are going anyways so just do another list. Call on the phone and say “Hi, I was thinking about you today”. Then let the other person talk. It doesn’t take money or even that much energy. It is simply showing love, friendship and compassion. I showed up at a neighbor’s home with a box of tea. I knew he liked tea and just brought it. I said, “I tried this new tea and thought you would like to try it”. He asked me in and I put on the kettle. I thought he was going to simply say thanks and that would have been fine. But, I stayed for three hours. He just talked and talked and talked. His childhood, his love of flowers, his first fishing trip with his Dad, his first high school love, his first car. I hold that conversation dear to me. Just a thought.
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