Posted on 07/20/2010 9:39:46 AM PDT by coffee260
First, if you are afraid that you will kill him on sight, lock your guns up and give the key to your best friend.
Second, call the cops BEFORE you call a lawyer. Judges look at the order in which you do things.
Finally, try to get a restraining order filed that protects you and your family.
I couldn’t read it.
Reformat
Thank you. The reason I have concerns about lethal force is because he has said on many occasions that when his life starts to crumble that he will commit murder suicide and a restraining order will not stop him. I’m fearful of a confrontation.
Look, I know you are probably thinking this guy will, at some point, become reasonable. That’s what I thought in the beginning. And I don’t want to give up on any hope he would be reasonable. But just like I didn’t know just how bad this man really is, I suspect readers of this post have the same impression.
Lets put it like this. I am willing to say with 100% certainty that this man will not stop being so evil. Yes evil. There is no other way to describe him. And please know I am not trying to justify my actions. I’m simply tired of watching my wife live in fear of this guy. And any good advise from Freepers is greatly appreciated.
You should be able to apply for a conceal and carry License. Get one.
I also advise you to document date and time of every threat, attempts at intimidation, References to violence, etc.
I've dealt with a man like this in my past...he was tough until he saw his threats were going to be challenged. In my case, once he figured out his death threats didn' work, he stopped them. Didn't;t stop me from making sure I was protected.
Finally, Go get some target practice in. Seriously. If something does happen, you and your wife need to be able to hit the large part of a human body.
I doubt the cops will do much except to tell them to get a restraining order. They won’t act unless he does something. The best thing to do is just move away.
People like him never give up. I’ve seen similar
situations and it didn’t end until they moved away.
Wife just got back from the magistrates office. They are not going to give her a protective order. They said she couldn’t get one unless she was in immediate danger. To whit she replied, “How many people call ahead and inform their victim they are on their way to kill them?” So plan A was a failure. On to plan B.
One other thing, I can see the “made for tv” version of events unfolding right in front of me. The battered ex-wife tries the justice system and they let her down. She takes matters into her own hands or he does commit murder suicide and Oreilly runs a story on how all the signs were there to stop this tragic event. Yada Yada Yada
Hire an armed security team? If they’re overseas, hire a dozen kids or so to have eyes on the property/car/house with cell phones...
Have your wife conceal carry. Three people in a group at all times, have a private security detail trail this guy and if he gets close, alert everyone.
Install tracking software on kids and wife’s phones.
Move.
Overkill? Not sure.
Just a few thoughts...
She tried for the restraining order. That should be on record. You might go to a lawyer or the police and ask for advice, so that they are aware that he is dangerous. Try to avoid a confrontation with him if possible. We don't want you ending up in jail and him going free. In the meantime, prayers of protection for you and your family.
Great stuff.
Imagine this. You turn on the television to watch some Fox News. You know, they have the best looking anchors, right? Megyn Kelly teases a story about how a crazed ex-husband shoots his ex-wife, his 2 little girls who were only 5 and 9 years old, and then shoots himself.
Imagine you are thinking to yourself, what a tragedy but not uncommon these days. Now imagine you find out that everything was done to stop this crazed man from doing what he said on many many occasions he would do, murder suicide. Then imagine you find out the law in VA doesn’t protect people from harm unless the killer calls their victim with a heads up of his ETA and method of choice. Then there’s the proverbial grieving spouse being trotted out to lobby to change the law after the fact and get it named after the deceased.
News Flash!!! None of that has to come true. Anybody with some influence out there can contact me. I’ll listen.
Thank you WVNan, I’ll take your advise. Tomorrow we see her lawyer. I’ll let you know how that goes.
Prayers for all of you. Please keep us informed, as I will now be worried until this is resolved.
Here is what readers can’t get from a website posting. They can’t get the feeling one has of helplessness and frustration.
I guess deep down inside I wish I’d get a call from say, Greta Van Susteren or Bill Oreilly saying they want to help stop this crazy guy before something happens.
I know...fat chance.
Coffee, first let me make VERY clear I am not ANY sort of expert. But my father was a narcissistic sociopath, and my Mom and I went through the same experience of NOBODY would believe us, “he couldn’t be THAT bad.”
In my completely UNEXPERT, un-degreed opinion, you are absolutely right to realize that this letter may provoke a catastrophic meltdown. The person who wrote the letter was ex-hubby’s latest charm conquest and his current source of narcissistic supply. Just losing control over the letter writer would be a huge crisis for the narcissist, but HE has apparently also stripped away the mask with everyone: business partners, clients, professional organizations, church, etc. You are right that this has the potential to cause EXTREMELY dangerous behavior from the narcissist. In his world, it’s probably THE worst thing he could have imagined.
I personally would advise BOTH the letter writer AND your family to not be ANYWHERE where you normally would be during the next few days/week as this jerk realizes his world has crashed. Far better to not be around when this guy explodes.
Go stay with friends or relatives or just a hotel out of state for a week: but make absolutely sure it is not someone HE would think of to go looking for her, in other words, don’t go stay with her sister if that’s the first place he’d look for her and the kids (or even the sixth place!). Tell NO ONE, not neighbors or co-workers exactly where you are, a charming narcissist can get this info from an unsuspecting neighbor (or even a wary neighbor, there is always some plausible story overcome resistance— this is the narcissist’s way of life, getting people to trust them!). Tell the neighbor or casual friend who’s looking after your dogs (or mail, or whatever) that you’ve gone to Disneyworld or someplace like that so they CAN”T accidentally let your whereabouts slip. And WARN whatever relatives/friends the ex would first go looking for her with that this guy is possibly extra dangerous due to the crisis (to him) of this letter. They don’t need to know all the details, but they should have a heads up that if he comes around, he may be dangerous.
This may seem drastic, but being nowhere near his reach for a few days or couple of weeks while he is in the most extreme emotional meltdown and looking to lash out, is ABSOLUTELY prudent with this sort of person. If you all can’t leave, send the wife and kids away someplace ABSOLUTELY secret and YOU go live with a friend or in a local hotel for a week, don’t be anywhere near your normal routine.
In my completely UNexpert opinion, leaving for a while is the sanest, safest course. Do not sit around waiting to be on the news, your fears are very reasonable. Do not waste time trying to get normal people or authorities to understand, they CANNOT — just get your family to a safe place for a while.
Some of the advice people are giving you is far more appropriate for life AFTER the initial meltdown is past: lawyers, weapons, restraining orders, armed guards, permanent move, etc. Worry about THOSE options in a few days, but if the ex-hubby has already received this letter, right now —TODAY!!— just do EVERYTHING you can to avoid him right now and for the IMMEDIATE future, and THEN start planning long-term strategies.
I’m really sorry, it’s not fair, not at all — but you MUST get your wife and kids FAR away from his reach at this very critical moment. Now, TODAY. HIS immediate emotional crisis is NOT going to wait for your rational plans. No, it’s not fair. But you must stay safe. You and your family will be in my prayers.
I'm thinking nothing of the kind. From the rambling nature of his letter, he is clearly dissembling and is breaking down. Under those circumstances, there is no guarantee what he will or won't do and neither you, a restraining order or the police can/will do anything to stop him from doing something crazy until he does something crazy. Which means that your options are limited.
As others have suggested, I would send the wife and family elsewhere (if you can) until he does his "something crazy" whatever that may be. My more immediate concern is for your safety. You indicated that you could or would kill him. You sound like you don't want to be a murderer, but you also recognize that this guy isn't going to sit around holding hands and singing a few choruses of "Kumbaya" with you or your wife in order to settle his issues, so you need options.
The best option would be for him to spend some time working with a therapist to understand his behaviors and issues. If you sufficiently convey the threat to the police (and/or the DA), he could be involuntarily committed to an institution for up to 72 hours for evaluation. After that, assuming that the facility felt he was a danger to himself or others, he could be held longer. Were I you, I might try to go that route. This guy seems to be emotionally unstable and barely under control. It doesn't appear as though it will take much to push him over the edge.
My suggestion that you lock your guns up was not a facetious one, it was for your protection. Passions sound as though they are running high and one thing leads to another VERY quickly where passion is concerned. Level heads don't come along until AFTER the deed is done and, by then, it could be too late for either you or him to back up and reverse what has happened. That's NOT the position that you want to be in so, your best move is to protect yourself first. Take every possible step to protect yourself and limit your involvement and, by the same token, that should also allow you to be protecting your wife and kids. She doesn't want to take her kids to prison to visit you one weekend per month, (nor do you want to be there!)and she also doesn't want to take her children to visit their dad in the cemetary.
“May I add: 5) Be careful about posting info about extremely personal and potentially litigous nature?”
This is the 21st Century with technology not available in the past. It is not wrong for an individual to post on a forum asking for input... the poster did not expose who he was, his family or their location, nor the identity of the person posting or the perpetrator of all the problems.
There is a chance that someone from the church, business, etc. could surmise who these people are, but the chances of that are remote and the poster did not break the law in any way (slander, threats, etc.).
I need to clear up something I wrote in the second to last paragraph of my post where I wrote, “And I will use deadly force. In other words, I will shoot to kill at the first sign of him becoming a danger to my family.”
What I should have wrote instead, and what I meant and still mean, was “I will Only use any means to protect my family if there is eminent danger, until the threat is no longer valid.”
I guess I just prefer keeping my own personal business of this type of nature to myself, and hope that others would as well. But I forget, we live in the facebook age where people update their status every five minutes and tweet the number of toilet sheets they use when they go to the bathroom.
I get your sarcasm, and there is definitely too much info out there, but I think this guy used the technology correctly (asking for help anonymously on a board). That is one of the benefits of what is available.... getting help from those outside the perimeter of your normal circle. Outsiders probably have the ability to be a little more unbiased and might have even experienced the same difficulty and may give good advice.
Just my opinion.
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