Need prayers, something...please (vanity)

My daughter is going through a nasty divorce. Her husband is shacked up in their house with some skank he met on facebook. He kicked my daughter and his girls out into the night, she went back to Kentucky and got an apartment. He lied, took the girls to NY for a visit, kept them, and filed for custody. Per court order, they now switch the girls every 10 days. Last Monday, when they were picked up, the 21 month old had a bruise shaped like a hand and the 5 yr old said that "Daddy hit us." The court in NY is looking the other way. I've seen his meanness before and he doesn't want the girls, he wants to hurt their mother. Is there anyway to get this out of NY? I'll take prayers, legal advise or anything else. And please, no snide comments, when I asked for attorney recomendations all I got was snarky comments. Her father and I are about to have heart attacks over this.

I’m praying for you and all involved. What a horrid situation to have to face.

Others have already given the best advice — take the children DIRECTLY to the police station the moment you get them back if there are ANY bruises. Don’t question the child yourself — let the department do it next time (God forbid there is a next time).

A good child psychologist would be able to notice indicators of abuse as well. [Be careful though - you have to be sure the psychologist is a SPECIALIST in children, otherwise it might be a waste of time, and may actually end up hurting the child emotionally. Be sure to interview the therapist before the child’s first visit. Ask what experience they’ve had in dealing with divorce and possible abuse issues (especially).]

Even if you weren’t dealing with the abuse, from the sounds of it the child might be having some rough emotional times simply from the divorce and upheaval (you mentioned the young ones’ breakdowns before going to see her Dad). At any rate, it might be a good thing to find a good psychologist and have the child (or children) seen. It may help to have a relationship established with a psychologist, and a psychologist calling CPS in NY would mean a LOT more than the other ‘side’ in the divorce case. Independent, and professional witness...

The local Police Department’s victim advocacy center/people can probably give you the name of a few recommended psychologists that deal especially with children (and who they use for expert testimony on cases).

Just a couple ideas...

Like I said though, I will be praying. As a survivor of child abuse it breaks my heart to see people who really WANT to help children in a bad situation, but are unable to for whatever reason. I pray this works itself out, ASAP. Stay strong, and keep praying and plugging along day by day - hour by hour if you need to. Don’t forget that God is there right beside us in times like this. {{HUGS}}

Docs/nurses/teachers are the ones most likely to follow through in filing a report if they believe it’s child abuse. I believe they are required by law to do so. And, their opinions carry some weight with the courts, especially doctors. That is important if the objective is to change visitation.

The police are already overburdened with crime and would not consider a mark from a slap worth pursuing. Similarly, in larger metro areas, Child Protective Service entities are positively overwhelmed with vicious child abuse. A slap would be considered as nothing.

I’m concerned, tho, that the husband kicked his wife and kids out of the family home. And felt that he was free to do that. Why didn’t she kick HIS sorry, cheating arse out? It may be too late to undo that terrible error in judgment, but she has to develop a spine and stand up to him if for no other reason than to protect her children. He has to learn he can’t pull that kind of stunt on her without serious financial and personal consequences.

I see a lot of suggestions that say you should take pictures, bring kids to authorities etc. I need to warn you to be very very careful on that.

First let me explain the allegations of abuse toward spouses divorcing is very common and so many are false that the courts and other authorities may take them with a grain of salt. Second, the sorts of abuse many kids suffer in order to get DCF involved (especially when a court is already involved) goes far beyond a bruise.

Most important point to make is that the courts and the state like to think they operate under the presumption of “doing what is best for the child”. In that context a parent who wishes to keep a child away from another parent claiming physical abuse especially where none has been reported previously may be considered the “bad parent”.

There is a fine balance between protecting the children from current threats and creating new long term problems. Always keep in mind that the kids love both parents. First off, all abuse must be reported. Your daughter needs a paper trail. Without it she will get screwed because she will react to some threat and without a prior document trail the reaction will appear unwarranted. (It may be that this is not the first time he has hit the kids abusively but because she didn’t report those she has no evidence to show her current concern isn’t contrived) However, the trail must minimize the child’s participation. This is still their dad and every child wants acceptance from their dad. If they feel like they are helping mom attack Dad they will have life long consequences that will go far beyond a simple slap. (How many people reject a relationship with God because of their Dad’s?).

However, going to authorities will be traumatic to the kids and begin a process where they feel they are being put in the middle and forced to take sides. Every step your daughter takes must be filtered through “is this best for my child?”. As a parent who has raised a kid abused by another parent, let me say I thought the divorce process was the worst. It was nothing compared to the teenage years my child. She needs to get her kids through this with the least amount of long term damage.

The reason I posted about going slow is because many times the parent who really doesn’t want (or can’t) a relationship with their child says the opposite because it is better for their self esteem to be forced out of it. Most of us can put on a good front for a number of months but eventually the honey moon period is over and the true person comes out. If the husband truly wants to be a 50/50 parent he would be taking certain steps that would include seeking psychological and other medical care for the children, getting them settled in school and meeting with teachers, providing books and other materials for their rooms, taking an active role in their child’s religious teaching.

If the husband truly is using the children as leverage for lower child support, for continued psychological and physical control over his wife and kids and using the kids he will miss appointments, have excuses for not being able to take them during his appointed time, blame his wife, the courts etc. Many times this kind of parent will cause their own default in the courts if the other parent stays calm and consistent and refuses to let the baby be cut in half.

I think the mom in this story exemplifies what your daughter must do:

http://www.childbiblestory.org/child-bible-story/solomon-a-wise-king/

As for your role you can begin to help your daughter by being supportive in how she reacts. This is called “crazy time” by those who have gone through it. She will do some stupid stuff. Its a phase that will pass.

If abuse has been going on for a while she is very vulnerable to this man as well as others who can control her. This includes lawyers and psychologists. She needs to set up new support groups to help her. A church family is a must. You can help by encouraging her to take those steps. Also, she will need to be aware of why she accepted his behavior and what fears kept her under his control. The process of recovery from denial has many barriers that could cause her to return. You can begin to gently get her to talk about the bad stuff (without the kids in ear shot).

Finally, pray with her each day.

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