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I see a lot of suggestions that say you should take pictures, bring kids to authorities etc. I need to warn you to be very very careful on that.

First let me explain the allegations of abuse toward spouses divorcing is very common and so many are false that the courts and other authorities may take them with a grain of salt. Second, the sorts of abuse many kids suffer in order to get DCF involved (especially when a court is already involved) goes far beyond a bruise.

Most important point to make is that the courts and the state like to think they operate under the presumption of “doing what is best for the child”. In that context a parent who wishes to keep a child away from another parent claiming physical abuse especially where none has been reported previously may be considered the “bad parent”.

There is a fine balance between protecting the children from current threats and creating new long term problems. Always keep in mind that the kids love both parents. First off, all abuse must be reported. Your daughter needs a paper trail. Without it she will get screwed because she will react to some threat and without a prior document trail the reaction will appear unwarranted. (It may be that this is not the first time he has hit the kids abusively but because she didn’t report those she has no evidence to show her current concern isn’t contrived) However, the trail must minimize the child’s participation. This is still their dad and every child wants acceptance from their dad. If they feel like they are helping mom attack Dad they will have life long consequences that will go far beyond a simple slap. (How many people reject a relationship with God because of their Dad’s?).

However, going to authorities will be traumatic to the kids and begin a process where they feel they are being put in the middle and forced to take sides. Every step your daughter takes must be filtered through “is this best for my child?”. As a parent who has raised a kid abused by another parent, let me say I thought the divorce process was the worst. It was nothing compared to the teenage years my child. She needs to get her kids through this with the least amount of long term damage.

The reason I posted about going slow is because many times the parent who really doesn’t want (or can’t) a relationship with their child says the opposite because it is better for their self esteem to be forced out of it. Most of us can put on a good front for a number of months but eventually the honey moon period is over and the true person comes out. If the husband truly wants to be a 50/50 parent he would be taking certain steps that would include seeking psychological and other medical care for the children, getting them settled in school and meeting with teachers, providing books and other materials for their rooms, taking an active role in their child’s religious teaching.

If the husband truly is using the children as leverage for lower child support, for continued psychological and physical control over his wife and kids and using the kids he will miss appointments, have excuses for not being able to take them during his appointed time, blame his wife, the courts etc. Many times this kind of parent will cause their own default in the courts if the other parent stays calm and consistent and refuses to let the baby be cut in half.

I think the mom in this story exemplifies what your daughter must do:

http://www.childbiblestory.org/child-bible-story/solomon-a-wise-king/

As for your role you can begin to help your daughter by being supportive in how she reacts. This is called “crazy time” by those who have gone through it. She will do some stupid stuff. Its a phase that will pass.

If abuse has been going on for a while she is very vulnerable to this man as well as others who can control her. This includes lawyers and psychologists. She needs to set up new support groups to help her. A church family is a must. You can help by encouraging her to take those steps. Also, she will need to be aware of why she accepted his behavior and what fears kept her under his control. The process of recovery from denial has many barriers that could cause her to return. You can begin to gently get her to talk about the bad stuff (without the kids in ear shot).

Finally, pray with her each day.