Posted on 05/28/2010 5:23:34 AM PDT by Diana in Wisconsin
Well, addiction has reared its ugly head again in our household. Had to kick Husband out this week. It appears that he has been 'doctor shopping' for prescriptions, and has gotten involved with some other relapsing druggies.
*SIGH*
It's been ten years since he got SOBER, but since he's on prescription drugs for back pain, he never really did get 'clean.' I gave it all I could. The kids are grown, I'm requesting my freedom from this madness. I matter little to him; I'm sure you know where his priorities lie.
I won't bore you with the details; this happens every day. My priorities have now shifted greatly; I'm in survival mode and I could really use some prayers...prayers that I stay strong. Prayers that I stay focused. Prayers that I will eventually see some light on the other side of this mess.
Thanks in advance.
thanks for sharing your story, too.
“As long as you are still there he has no reason to change.”
Exactly.
Oh Lady Diana I’m so sorry to hear this. You are doing the right thing and I assure you that we will be praying for strength, direction and resolve for you.
Whatever.
If it's become as bad as you say it is, and I have no doubt that it is, he is a dead man walking.
Keep a warm, protected spot in your heart for the man you loved, the relationship you shared, and the children you made. Remember the precious, short good times. Treasure them always. Let the bad times go.
One door closes, another opens.
Trust in The Lord.
And please, keep us up to date on how things are developing. There will be many praying for you.
prisoner6
You can always depend on us for support.
Having read the rest of the responses and just wanting to give moral support I will add that I am married to my addict...still. It has been 39 years, he has been clean for going on 25 years and wouldn’t trade him for anything.
Al-anon worked for me, it helped me to change myself and understand the addiction and with that I was able to help him. You don’t realize how living with an addict hurts you and changes you.
Good luck and God bless you, DiW.
And on you, sir.
I will add my prayers to all the rest, Diana.
Lady Di,
One Resource I can suggest is Passionate Marriage, a book by David Schnarch. Kind of heavy reading but very good for people dealing with spouses that aren’t living up to their end of the bargain.
One other thought is that once you actually file divorce papers that is usually it for the marriage. Very few people ever get back together once that bridge is crossed. I am not suggesting that you should or shouldn’t, just be very certain of your decision if you get to that point.
I am sure a lot of people will be praying for you.
No, not really. You cared enough to respond.
In some ways I agree with you. Marriage - between a man and woman BTW - IS for Better or Worse.
Would you leave your husband if he had a degenerative disease?
Not the same.
Should someone leave their spouse if they insisted on worshiping Satan and insisted on indoctrinating the children?
What if the spouse is addicted to incest, or homosexuality, or beastiality, or any of a number of other vices that contribute to the breakdown of God's Law?
She can stand by him and offer help, but it is her God given duty to protect the children...I realize they are grown but the possibility of grandchildren exists...and herself.
She should not have to throw herself on her husband's funeral pyre, whether it came by his hand or not.
prisoner6
Take on whatever you can that you can control.
You can never control another person.
Work, garden, clean, take time for real friends. These are the things you can effect. Your husband’s problems are his and God can help him, but, in my experience, no one else can.
My own familial problems are different from yours, but, like yours, they are not in my control. I am learning to hand over those things to God and to pray for the other person. It does become easier, once the shock, anger and exhaustion pass, but it doesn’t disappear. All the things you held in common and your family and children are going to not only stay in your life, they will manifest in ways you cannot even foresee, now. The weaknesses of those we love/loved echo throughout our lives.
The worst, for me, is that when someone you loved is exposed as a liar, you begin to question all of the past and to become almost disoriented over what was real and what was part of the betrayal. I haven’t found the answer to dealing with that, yet. It will take decades, I fear, to sort it all out.
One step at a time. You aren’t alone. So many are dealing with the weaknesses of family members that my own answer is that we are as caught in the culture as they are and we simply need to find those things that we can accomplish, no matter how trivial they might seem, and get them done.
If he chose his addiction over his family, there is little left to work with. I see these painkiller dependents all the time. Until they hit a real bottom, usually when they can no longer find their drug, and commit to going without them, there is little chance of rehabilitation. The worst of this is that the painkillers seem to exacerbate the original pain, so when the pills wear off, the pain returns at an even higher level and the cycle continues.
Prayers for you, Diana.
Thanks for your insight. I do see that everything he is doing now is all in an effort to hit rock bottom. He’ll get there, and then he’ll either stay there or get back up.
I can’t make that choice for him.
He got sober once before - is there any chance of an intervention here? Or is it clear that he’ll never be able to stay away from additiction, and only replace one addiction with another?
Best wishes to you and yours.
If *HE* wants to get clean....consider http://teenchallengeusa.com/ It’s for adults and I had a good friend go through it. Apparently, their high rate of success is that they are faith biased.
“Or is it clear that he’ll never be able to stay away from additiction, and only replace one addiction with another?”
Yep. That’s about it. *SIGH*
My experience is with an adult child, so at least I have my husband and one very wonderful friend for support. So, whomever you have in your life who will simply be there when needed, hold them close, as they are precious. Personally, I haven’t even discussed this situation with anyone except the couple we are closest to. At one point, I realized how many other parents seemed to simply stop mentioning their children. And we all stop asking about each others’ kids, too. There is so much pain and disappointment out there.
I will add that addicts to anything don’t usually even tell themselves the truth. They hit bottom, bounce up, go down and have millions of excuses for everything. They segue off to little things in daily life and make a big deal out of unfairness, as though everything is separate from the main problem, which is themselves. I have only known of my son’s real lifestyle for 10 months. At one point, as it all unraveled, I felt as though I was learning about a complete stranger. Nothing at all was what I had thought it had been.
A mother loves, no matter what, but has to learn when that love becomes enabling and, therefore, destructive. Tough love is difficult on everyone.
Just a warning that it won’t be a straight line process.
Prayers up for you Diana. Hang in there. I am sure you will be free on this mess - in time. Take it one day at a time.
Good luck, and stay strong; I hope you get through this okay.
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