Posted on 02/12/2010 5:11:44 AM PST by Lucky9teen
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Test your pun comprehension:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, Patriot Humor sent ten different puns to their subscribers, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.
In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think the second one woulda ducked.
Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows.
Therefore, he’d visit them every morning and tell them jokes. The
cows laughed and laughed and gave excellent milk. But the news
got around about the cows. They became known as the
laughing stock of the community.
a termite walk into a bar and says, “say, is the bartender here?”
This company had a real superior product in its butter
substitute, but the company went under one time when it
received an order for a million pounds of the stuff.
Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing
the product and much of it was wasted. They were
not able to deliver in time. The company had not
allowed enough margarine for error.
Signs of the Times:
Over an antique shop: "Remains to be seen."
In a brassiere shop window: "We're the real decoy."
At a brothel: "It's a business doing pleasure with you!"
In a butcher shop window: "Never a bum steer."
On a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."
On a divorce lawyer's wall: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
On a junkyard fence: "Edifice wrecks."
At a lumberyard: "Come see, come saw."
On a plumber's truck: "A flush beats a full house."
Over the psychiatrist's couch: "I shrink, therefore I am."
At Spooner's Tailor Shoppe: "It's our measure to pleat you!"
At the tire store: "We skid you not!"
Two explorers in Africa were hunting for elephants. They were miles into the
Serengeti when they realized they forgot their guns.
“What do we do now?” said one explorer.
“I have an idea,” said the other. “First we’ll dig out a hole in the ground.
Then we takes some grass and burn it down to ashes, and we dump the ashes into
the newly-dug hole. We then place a handful of peantus along the edge of the
hole. We wait until an elephant comes and starts eating the peanuts, and
that’s when we kick him in the ash hole.”
The milk may have been excellent, but some people still thought it tasted funny...
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits
down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says,
“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”.
The man shakes his head.
“No, they’re all at the funeral.”
A local craftsman here does custom counter tops, mostly in granite. The name of his company: The Counter Fitter.
Stephen Wright Stuff:
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Tarzan’s conjoined, twin cousins wore a cobra.
PUNg!
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
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