Now THAT is silly!
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
"Political Correctness" definition:-
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd by the clean end.
bttt
On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty
years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive
me."
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we
have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On
the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted
out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me
of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something
to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was
a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He
slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed
off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his
clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar!
You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all
my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies
tees!"
Some things are sacred.
Happy Birthday to the US Marine Corps. Best wishes to all members, past and present!
God bless and keep you all, and God Bless America!
Ooorah!
Want me to sing ya Happy Birthday?
MM
229th Birthday????
Try it's the 231st Birthday of the Corps. 1775 - 2006
In early!
A: "A masculine Marine holds his legs up FOR you!"
Hey, if you're going to have a thread in my honor, you'd better start inviting me!
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're
sitting down when you read it.
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. This just tells
you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as
to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively
uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were
driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize
that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour
away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment,
she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long"
with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need
of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed
to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight
Show prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down."
Jay Leno's comment ...
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off ."