The Official Weekend Singles Thread—July 28-30

OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, Maximus Ridiculousness

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

A perspective on marriage, looking for a marriage partner, and cyberdating. 

Presented to you by OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, and Maximus Ridiculousness.

OhioWfan's Perspective on Making Marriage Work:

My 'assignment' for this special weekend singles thread was to outline what I believe are the ingredients of a long-term successful, loving marriage.  Obviously, in the 'it takes two to tango' spirit, I engaged my adorable life-partner/incredible husband in the task, and together we compiled a list of recommendations and qualities that we believe have made our marriage work so well.   Neither of us is perfect (especially me........he's close!), but we went into marriage with commitment and thought as well as love, and after 30 years we are more passionately in love than ever before, and are each other's deepest and most trusted friend.

 

We have grouped our thoughts in two categories.......considerations before marriage, and goals as part of marriage.   There is nothing new nor revolutionary here, but we believe these things together have worked to make our marriage incredibly close, and a lot of fun. They are generally applicable, with some specific illustrative examples of our own relationship. 

 

I.    Important things to consider prior to marriage

• Be picky.  Being single is FAR better than being married to the wrong person.  (Women, you are not 'incomplete' without a man......withstand the cultural pressure to get married early).  Wait for the right one, and don't go into marriage with the idea that you can 'fix' the other person.  It doesn't work out that way.

• My personal best advice: Marry somebody much nicer than yourself.  It worked for me. :)

• Become best friends.   Friendship is the most important part of marriage.  Feelings ebb and flow, and circumstances change, but if your spouse is your closest friend, you can weather anything.

• Talk all the time about everything:  Goals, values, beliefs, dreams, raising children and the values and beliefs you want to teach them, money, sex, interests, (politics!).  Make sure you know exactly who you are marrying, and remember that you are going to be sharing a lifetime together so you need to get along.

• Restrain your physical relationship to ensure that a REAL relationship develops. (The current advice is wrong!  You don't need any physical relationship before marriage to find out if it's 'going to work.'  In fact, we believe it 'works' better if you don't).  A great deal of the complete trust that we have in each other stems from the fact that we, with great difficulty, disciplined ourselves to stay pure before we were married.  For us it has made a big difference.

II.    In Marriage

• Communication.  Keep talking about anything and everything, good and bad, but do it with respect ALWAYS.   When you are upset, saying 'It seems to me' and 'It feels like you...'  shows far more respect and calms the waters better than saying 'You do this.'   Keep sharing your goals and dreams and help each other to achieve them.

• Honesty.  (None of this sneaky hinting around to get your own way, ladies).  Tell the truth right out front.  It's refreshing, and it leads to a healthy, non-manipulative relationship.  Don't make your spouse 'guess' about how you feel, and never 'assume' that he/she already knows it. 

• Trust.  It has to be built.   Having shared values is the beginning of trust; living up to those values makes it grow.

• Common values.  Nurture the ones you have discussed prior to marriage. 

 

• Common spiritual goals.  Go to church/synagogue together regularly.  Discuss your faith as it grows.   Read together and discuss what God's word says.   We have, from the beginning, sought to have a marriage that is God-centered, and believe that the depth and joy in our relationship are directly related to God's blessing on our lives.  We both came from strong Christian homes, and knew that it was our goal to have a Christ-centered family, and have worked and prayed to that end.

• A sense of humor.   Laugh often.  Don't take most things too seriously, and be able to laugh at your own foibles.  We happen to have a quirky family with some really off-beat people in it (not me, of course).  That's part of our family identity, and we're proud of it.  We know that other people may think we're a bit weird, but we're OK with that........because we ARE. :)   Oh..........but watch the sarcasm.   If uncontrolled, it can cut deep.

• Random acts of kindness.   I happen to be the recipient of many of these in our relationship.  My husband randomly brings home a lovely red rose with a card that just says "I love you."  It makes my heart melt.

• Encourage and compliment often.  Even if you've said the same thing a million times before, say it again...."You're cute" is a good one.  You can't help but feel loved if your spouse thinks you're adorable at the age of 56!

• Don't let minor irritations blow up into major issues.  Talk about them, but don't overplay their importance. Chances are that a few of them will still be there even after 30 years. :)   Toothpaste tube stuff just isn't worth being mad about.

• Apologize, apologize, apologize.   Sometimes you may think you're only partially to blame, but saying you're sorry for your part in a problem only helps in its solution.  (Note.......I do this a lot because I am often entirely to blame).

• Support each other's interests even if not your own passion.  We have a good example in our relationship.  I love Nelson Eddy/Jeanette MacDonald movies.   Mr. O thinks they're OK, but he watches one whenever I've got a hankering to.... just because he loves me.  And I will watch "Man from Snowy River" with him for the 137th time for the same reason.

• Nurture your relationship.  Protect it from jobs, kids, etc.  According to James Dobson, the best way to love your kids is to love their Mom.  He's right.  We always let our kids know that our relationship came first and they never had a problem with it.  Now that they're adults, they really respect the relationship that they observed growing up and have it as the goal for their own lives.

• Time alone.  Keep 'dating.'  Go off for romantic trysts together.  Set aside time for yourselves because it doesn't just appear.  And if you have kids, try not to talk about them the entire time you're away.  We have celebrated the anniversary of our first date many years, and this year (30th anniversary!) we went to the same restaurant in Pennsylvania that we went to on our first date.  Talk about romantic!

• Hold hands and kiss.........a lot!   This is most likely self-explanatory, but it may need to be said that holding hands is vastly underrated as a sensual tool to keep you 'in touch.'  Sit close in church.   Kiss each other at random moments.   Cuddle at the movies.  Hug whenever possible. It makes a difference.

• Say "I love you" every chance you get.  Make it the last thing you say every time you talk, and just say it 'out of the blue.'  It never gets old to know you are loved.

• Be sexual outside the bedroom (in private!).  No details needed here.  Keep the flame burning.

• Pray together.....any time, any place, any circumstances, and pray for each other.  Most of all, thank God for your husband or wife..........it is a great gift to have a life-partner with whom to share the good and bad times of life.  Be thankful.

• Give and keep giving.   The saying is that you need to give 50-50, but the truth is it has to be 100-100.  And the giving must be done without the expectation that you will 'get' something back for it.  Selflessness.  It's a tough one.

• Respect and honor the other more than you honor yourself.  This grows over time.  What begins as the desire for it to be so, soon becomes the reality.  And make it your goal to care about the other's wants and needs more than you care about your own.......in every area of your relationship.  It's not in our human nature, but it's the only way to make marriage successful and truly happy. 
• Do fun stuff together.  Sports, hiking, walking (a great time for that 'communication' thing), cycling, tennis, ping-pong, basketball, spelunking, white water rafting, wrestling...........hehe..........OR.........you can even read!  A zest for living, physical fitness, and the 'togetherness' you get having fun in an active way are unbeatable.

• And never, ever stop talking.

So............these are the things that we both believe have helped make our marriage strong.   The details may be different for others, but we believe the principles apply for every couple wanting to make their marriage really succeed.  Some people say a good marriage takes 'work,' but we both disagree.  We think that being married and trying to keep our marriage alive is great fun.  It's God's plan, and it's awesome to be right in the middle of it!

Kate and Phil's Story of Love and Marriage

Phil and I first met back in the teen years when I started working at a local drive-in movie theatre where he was employed. There was a "no dating coworkers" policy and we were both into following (some) rules and didn't want to get fired, so we were just friends instead.

 

Apparently, we were both interested in each other, but too shy/insecure/whatever...to say anything, but we became friends.

 

I remember going to his house and he to mine when we were still in high school, but he was older and went off to college. During a few of his weekend visits, we went on a few dates, but then I didn't see him again for a good four or five years.

 

By then I was married AND pregnant, but ran into Phil at work, so it was strange (for both of us apparently) in the wishful thinking at that time. From time to time, I would go by his work and say hi when we were in town. By the time my marriage was definitely over (but I still had hopes of it not being over) Phil had gotten married and although his marriage was heading for over...neither of us was willing to admit that we were

separated from our spouses and divorces were filed.

 

We each went about our lives and once he changed jobs, I had no clue where he was. (Prior to that, where I would visit was a place where I would also visit my bestest high school friend's father as he worked in another department.)

 

Meanwhile, he had been looking for and looking up former classmates and one in particular that I also happened to know. This mutual friend had lived away from where we are now and I had all but given up talking to him ever again, when on a whim I looked him up in the phone book (kind of a one last time deal, as I couldn't remember Phil's last name, I didn't look him up and even if I remembered, I probably could have never spelled it...)

 

So, lo and behold, our mutual friend was listed and had been for a few years and I gave him a call. Meanwhile, between classmates.com and a high school reunion, Phil and our mutual friend had been talking and e-mailing, and Phil asked him if he knew how to get in contact with me, and the friend gave Phil my e-mail address.

 

So, our real official long-term dating was cyber dating as Phil had moved to TX and I was in Phoenix. We went from the occasional e-mail to IM and phone calls and that evolved to a long distance romance.

 

I went to Texas and lived with Phil for a year, but knew my heart was with my children and family. Phil was adamant about staying in TX.

 

Every time Phil asked me to marry him, I asked if he would consider moving to Phoenix. He kept saying no, so I returned to Phoenix.

 

When I ran away to safety and Phil's care I knew he loved me and would take care of me. When he let me go and let me move back to Phoenix to be with my children, I knew he loved me enough to let me go and be where I belonged.

 

When he asked me if I would marry him if he moved to Phoenix, he got the answer I wanted to give him all along.

 

We have been married just over four months and are still working on getting into a life and a routine in Phoenix and still feel like we are trying to get settled in, but we have come a long way together and are looking forward to many years of happiness and joy with my children and grandchild(ren).

 

For how long we have been friends, and the things we liked about each other, are still there.

Getting used to habits has been hard (I am secretive in general and I also kept a few government secrets for a long time that I don't keep secret any more), but by nature I just have never been a "talker", so that is changing.

 

He likes reality TV, my reality is like the TV show, "Medium." We both like "24" and wouldn't want it any other way.

 

We both enjoy sports and look forward to the Cowboys VS Cardinals game later this fall.

 

We managed to attend the same three schools of higher education, just never were both at any one at the same time.

 

I think the biggest piece of advice we can offer the single crowd is don't put yourself above dating anyone with "baggage" as you have clearly got "emotional baggage" in the form of selfishness. I know that God didn't make selfishness, but He did make caring and compassion. A heart of gold is worth far more than a free lunch...

 

When a heart of gold is the heart within, you will find someone for you with that exact same quality.

 

Did I mention that Phil also is conservative and was busy advocating for Bush before we started to discuss politics? I just loved sending him links to caption Kerry two summers ago.

Barb's Two Cents on Being a Newlywed and Some Advice on Cyberdating

Ahhhh...the bliss of being newly married!  What joy!  The birds are singing.  The bees are buzzing.  The flowers are blooming...

Okay, for me our honeymoon was a little different from most.  Actually, our wedding was a little different from most.  You see, hubby and I eloped (with 40 of our closest friends and relatives) in Reno in 2003—four weeks before he was to deploy to Iraq.  We were already engaged, and had planned on a summer wedding, but one cold winter day, hubby got "the call", and three days later we found ourselves in Reno tying the knot.

Our honeymoon consisted of phone calls, emails, letters between here and Iraq—and lots of insomnia.  At first it was strange being married to a man who was suddenly 6500 miles away, and it was even stranger that I could talk to him only when he was able to call me (every two to three weeks or so).

And so it went.

Our "real" honeymoon came 18 months later.  We spent a week in Vegas (yeah, I know some folks find it a tacky place for a honeymoon, but hubby's never been, and I love the Luxor).  We gambled, saw some of the shows, gambled, ate at the various restaurants, gambled, walked the Fremont Street Experience, gambled, got SMASHED in Quark's Bar and harassed a poor Borg and Klingon at the Hilton where they have the Star Trek Experience (we almost got kicked out—but we snapped some hilarious photos), and we gambled some more.

All fun and games aside, our marriage (going on year four now) is a very solid one.  Hubby has a heart of gold, and I could not ask for a better man.  I would have to say that absence made our marriage grow stronger.  We still feel like newlyweds.  We are like “kids” with each other.  We are the two most happy-go-luckiest-people I know, on the planet. 

Some advice on cyberdating.

Back in the day, I was the Queen of Cyberdating.  I started meeting men online as far back as 1996.  Match.com was the ONLY online dating site (with something like, 200 local members).  It took a lot of chatting, meeting bozo after bozo, and dating horrible men who were nothing like their profiles before I realized I was doing everything wrong from the very beginning.  By the time I met my hubby in a Yahoo chatroom by total  accident (most of you know this story)  5 years later, I had finally learned some very big lessons. 

That said, here are some of my do’s and don’ts when it comes to cyberdating:

• Be honest about yourself in your profile, and post an accurate, recent picture of yourself.  By all means, SMILE.  If you don’t, you’ll look angry and unapproachable.   Trust me.  You’ll want a pic (or several pics) of yourself doing some favorite activity, and at least one nice head-and-shoulder shot.
• Be concise and to the point when writing your profile.  Be eloquent, and don’t ramble incessantly.  Poetry is big turn-off for a lot of people.  Unless you are a master, avoid poetry at all costs. You’ll put people to sleep.  List your preferences accurately and pick people to chat with who are close to what you’re looking for.  Don’t fall for an ultra-liberal America-hating chick…just because she’s really hot.
• Try and meet someone who lives within driving distance.  Unless you have the time and money to travel, stick to meeting your potential future spouse  within a reasonable distance from you.  Don’t fall in love with someone you can’t afford to fly out to meet.
• Don’t fall in love with the very first nice looking person (whom you know nothing about) who gives you the time of day.  Stick to your guns.  If you’re looking for your future spouse, keep in mind all of the qualities you are looking for in that person. Don’t ever lose focus.
• Sell yourself.  Tell your potential future spouse what a great person you are.  Don’t be negative or down about yourself.  Don’t appear pathetic.  Be yourself and put your best foot forward.  If you don’t appear to be a reasonably healthy, happy, positive person you’ll scare people away.   Trust me. 

GIRLS:  Meet your potential future spouse in a very public place.  For your very first date, only meet for coffee or drinks where you can chat for as long or as short as you are comfortable with.  It’s easier to split the scene quickly if you are just sipping something, and not in the middle of dinner or stuck with a loser date in the middle of a 3-hour flick.  NEVER leave your drink unattended.  Before you use the restroom, finish your drink, or order a new drink once you’re back to your table.  By all means, drive yourself to your destination, DO NOT EVER let your date pick you up on your first date.  Tell a friend, family member, someone—anyone—where you will be and when you should be home.  Take your cell phone with you.  Park in a visible area.

• This is probably the toughest part about meeting your future spouse—know exactly what you are looking for and settle for nothing less.  Do not fall in love with someone's potential, but for who they really are.   This was the one mistake I made over and over.  Don't ever meet someone and try and fix them later.  Also, be realistic.  Unless you’re a super hot daddy, don’t go looking for a super hot mama. 

 It took me years and years of dating the same type of loser with a different name, and one failed marriage to a closet alcoholic, before I finally ‘grew-up’ and decided I would not settle for anything less anymore. Period.  I literally sat down and made a list of all the attributes I had to have in a man.  In fact, what had happened was I learned the very long and hard way about everything I did not want in a guy  through my own personal trial-and-error. (Mostly error.)  It was only after this personal epiphany that I met my true-love.  And it didn't take long.

 

[ohioWfan]

Dolly, I was so busy yesterday that I never replied to your freepmail.

I am praying for you and your son and d-i-l. You have my word on that.

(And thanks for your kind words........it really was fun. Hope it helps someone.:)

btw, I didn't mention that I was in my late twenties when we married, and that both my sisters were in their late 30's (first marriages, all)..........ergo my advice about NOT being in a hurry.

Like the old lady said when asked why she had never married.....

"IT TAKES A WHOLE LOT OF MAN TO BE BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL."

(No offense guys. I'm sure the same thing can be said for us. ;)

[DollyCali]

This thread is awesome.. I have found at FR there are often a lot of views & not the corresponding amount of posts.. I believe this thread is going to be one of the more widely copy/pasted to send in emails to friends, family, preachers etc..

You three ladies have done a wonderful job & presented some good material & food for thought. Like a lot of other "seeds" we often don't quickly see the results..

Rocky & Hoody are safely Rockin' away at the rock & roll hall of fame.. hopefully having a great time & doing research for their thread in a few weeks..

Pictures?

But of course! I didn't stay (and chaperon)..as I had some fires on home-front to attend to

[Springman]

Thanks for the ping. Strange to be pinged the the singles thread, Debbie and I have been married for eleven years, (June 10th 1995 and yes I do remember the date!!!)!!!!

OK IMHO, the best place to meet people is at work. Well that's were I meant Debbie, the in-laws worked at the same place. Also my Dad was working a second job and meet my Mom!!!

You spend eight hours a day at work, you know get to know someone with even trying.

[DollyCali]

you know that is a good point. sometimes seeing the person handle stress :& less than desirable situations gives you a true "look" at the person.

so many employers have a no fraternization policy.. so any romances must be on the sly

thanks for dropping in.

[Springman]

Your welcome. We both learned to let each other just go when we are ticked off. A couple of minutes later we cool off.

BTW saw the pic of you on this thread. You know if I wasn't a married man, I might have to drive to Cleavland!!!;)

[DollyCali]

Okay, Bill.. I am going to take a few breaks in my "hassles" here at home today & try to give you my replies to your post from last evening.. will do point by point.

FIRST YOU ARE NOT OLD, TOO OLD, BEYOND A MARRIAGE PARTNER..UNLESS you truly want to be.

One of my favorite movies is Shadowlands.. the love story of CSLewis.. (who BTW was considerably older than you when he met "joy".. his future wife). Do see the flick. It is a true story & the young boy (joy's son) is one of the producers of the recent/successful Narnia.

You did the correct thing by trusting God. He will NEVER, ever let you down. You put a timing stipulation on God however. I am not suggesting you must do an Abraham (recall he waited for 80 years for the son God promised & then took things into his own hands?)...

Sometimes I have found that men & women have some deep rooted fears & concerns & they do find that the cloak of faith protects them. Ii too at this point am trusting God with my future. The main thing as a Christian is that we are to be God's servants.. sometimes it involves a mate & sometimes not..If you trust him, trust him fully.

ohio was right about the wrong person being MUCH worse than being alone (some scriptures in proverbs about that also)

Yes, you must avail yourself to where they will be.. I found a website called conservative singles (that doesn't mean they will be Christian OR have high moral values however).

You are narrowing the field a little that way.

Snugs, my LONG time friend John(not the John from last night birthday celebration) became a Christian a few years ago. One of my early on marriage holdbacks(among others) was that he was NOT a Christian.. But we were a couple for many years & truly loved (and still do) each other. We shared so many common activities & interests. I find it hard to find men who do activities like I do(couple thousand miles of biking a year, very exhaustive off trail hikes, long, difficult kayaking courses.. love of/patience with animals).. He is about the only one that has ever fit that agenda..

well, I am rambling but back to Bill and my encouraging you to put yourself "out there".. get a recent pix.. write up a personal ad of sorts & email it to your good friends/buddies /relatives & tell them you are in the market. Be specific about what you are looking for.

You might be surprised the power of people knowing people.. and pray as you do this.. God does care that we are happy.

BTW all you men out there.. do you know how REFRESHING it is to have a man that has not slept with every woman he has dated? Lack of experience is NOT a hindrance to the right woman.. Do you know how thrilled a woman might be to know she is your first? I think too many men have bought into the mentality that a woman NEEDS some type of sexual genius.. couples learn & grow together..

There are plenty of women out there who also are either virgins or have had very limited physical experience. That is NOT a bad thing..

If you truly love each other, these things will work out..

[DollyCali]

Thank you! that was very sweet ...but

drive to cleveland anyway & bring Mrs. Springman & you can do the rock & roll hall of fame (free) with me!

[lysie]

Here we go.

After 8 years of living alone with my son, due to my first husband's fatal accident, I met my love.

Here is how we met.

Telephone

Ring!! Ring!!..

Hello.

It was a telephone call from my sil asking me to dinner a few nights later to meet a co worker of my brother.. I explained to her that I was sicker than a dog with the flu and I doubted that I could do it.

Okay, it seemed like that was settled.

NOT. She called back the next day and explained that the guy was dumped by his girlfriend and she and my brother thought I should grab him while he was on the rebound....LOL (sort of)

Insert whinney voice

Okay...sure...I'll do it ...gotta go....puke.

Must understand that my brother worked with this guy. He ( the guy) knew far more about me than I did he.

So, the day that it was all to happen, I backed out of my driveway unbeknownyst to me he saw me. He followed me.

Ettiquette told me I should offer something for the meal. I stopped at a local store for a bottle of wine. So..I pulled into a store to buy it and continued on to my brother's house.

Shortly after I arrived, my blind date did.

Dinner was served.....we played UNO...in a nutshell to this day he tells people that he watched me buy the wine and I walked out of the store picking my nose and that he won me in a UNO game.

Not true...in the almost 25 years we have been married...we have not played a game of UNO.

[DollyCali]

What fun!!!!

Love your story! It seems like you both were "lucky"..and I have always felt that friend/family fix ups are often very good! From what I regularly read on the threads he is a jewel and I KNOW you are.

Thanks for dropping in...

[Kate of Spice Island]

[Kate of Spice Island]

Early ping! See you tonight!

[DollyCali]

(from my brother in Oklahoma... cold substitute, Texas, California etc lately!!!) and it was so hot today in Ohio that my doggies begged to come inside ... that is RARE! /dolly

@@@

It is so hot in Oklahoma that...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

I saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.

The popcorn growing in the field is already popped.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

***"IT'S SO DRY IN OKLAHOMA THAT...

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

A sad Oklahoman once prayed, "I wish it would rain -- not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to Oklahoma once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about two and a half inches of that."

***YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN OKLAHOMA WHEN...

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Before work.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

[MHGinTN]

Well, 25 yrs without playing UNO ought to tell you how badly he wants to keep you and not lose you in another game!

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Wow! Great photos! Awsome to see you guys all together.

[bannie]

IT'S SO DRY IN OKLAHOMA THAT...

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

In California the cows are DYING!!! (My dog's bigger than your dog! ;-) )

[bannie]

You couples gave great advice in the beginning of this thread.

May I add...


IT TAKES TWO.

[MoJo2001]

Music For The Singles' Thread!
Enjoy!!

The Gap Band - You Dropped The Bomb On Me

The Gap Band - The Party Train

 

[ohioWfan]

Truer words were ne'er spoken, bannie.

All the effort in the world from only one partner in a marriage cannot make it work.

[ohioWfan]

LOL! How funny, lysie!

(So, do you still pick your nose? ;)

[MoJo2001]

Music For The Singles' Thread!
Enjoy!!

Keeping with the theme--sorry about that!
Here's a song that might work!

Frank Sinatra - Love and Marriage